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My boyfriend answered his phone during sex! Why is he acting so weird?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 August 2009) 7 Answers - (Newest, 25 August 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My guy never answers his phone for me when he is with his friends, but, When we are together he is texting and he has even answered the phone in the middle of sex! He has been acting really weird lately. He also just told me a few hours ago that "He can't be himself around me." He said I was blind and can't see that he loves me soooo much. My father just passed away and I have been stressing out about school and money also. I have been in bad shape. He also tells me he cant handle my sadness. I cant help the fact that I am dealing with a death and I feel like a loser over not being able to have school loans and stuff go smooth. I would love to hear some people's thoughts about this and to hear what they did in similar events. My world feels like its crashing down and he isn't there and when I ask for his comfort in my time of need he turns on me and acts weird.

Thank you .....

View related questions: money, text

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A male reader, softtouchmale2003 United States +, writes (25 August 2009):

softtouchmale2003 agony auntYou have my greatest empathy.

Your boyfriend says he can't be himself when he's with you? Well what is his self really like when he's not around you?

Is sex that boring?

Who's calling him that its that important to answer the phone?

All interesting questions.

But most of all, I think that he should be much more emotionally supportive which is the problem you have right now.

It sounds like you're young and you have a wonderful future ahead of you. Maybe might you should go out and find someone who is really into you and will devote his heart to you.

What you have right now seems quite superficial.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009):

you are not being over sensetive as bitterblue as so crudly put. you are acting like every human... youre trying to reach out and hes not there... in his defense, it is hard to find out wht to say to someone after a loss, however it doesnt seem like hes trying.txting his friends while hes with u is a huge red flag. and saying he cant be himself isnt a good sign either.. try to tell him how you feel and ask how he feels and go from there. btw, who the hell answers the phone during sex?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009):

What they said above,

Saying you love someone is easy, showing someone you love thm is much harder. Plus answering a phone while having sex, sorry the guys an idiot.

Sorry for your loss.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009):

Tell him how you feel, if he doesn't get the picture, he wasn't worth it in the beginning. If he really likes you he will come crawling back trying to make everything perfect, if not then don't feel bad, he wasn't worth it.

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A female reader, bitterblue Romania +, writes (25 August 2009):

bitterblue agony auntYou are dealing with a recent loss in the family and you must realise you can be somewhat sensitive at this time, so when you are absorbed with any life situation that makes you sad, remind yourself of your being more vulnerable at the moment, and to not let this vulnerability get in the way of your judgement. Don't make hasty decisions or ask a second opinion. This is not to say that you should take everything that is said to you ad literam, people can be wrong, even people with best intentions...

About your boyfriend, ask whenever you don't understand something he says or does. This is a golden rule. If he doesn't make the meaning clear you could risk choosing a negative interpretation when maybe a positive sense was meant in the first place. I understand it bothers you that he said "he can't handle my sadness"? This doesn't sound well at all, I agree, but maybe he is clumsy with words? It could have been "I don't know what to do to comfort you" - in which case you can tell him what you expect from him during these awful circumstances to help you with your pain: maybe only his presence suffices, or you need more of his attention, or that he cooks a dinner for the two of you, that he reminds you how he feels for you, etc. As for not answering your calls when he is with friends, I don't like the sound of this but maybe he has his reasons to do so? Are you calling just to check up on him? Arrange with him that you don't call him often and that he should answer when you do call, see what he says. Is this a relationship based on trust? If it isn't, think how you can build or restore that trust.

Why do you think your boyfriend is weird lately? Can the situation not improve once you discuss your preferences with him, or have you already talked with little success? It's up to you if you should try again. If he says he loves you, do you have reasons to doubt this? Is he not supportive (enough)? Tell him you appreciate what he has already done and guide him in the direction you wish, after all he cannot read your mind. The fact alone that he answered his phone during sex proves nothing much. I would say you are being too sensitive in this case. If you really dislike this suggest him that he answers only when he expects or notices an important call.

As for "He can't be himself around me", this sounds a bit kitschy of him indeed. In what context did he say this? A 16-year-old can well say it and it will seem most naturally, but when a 29-year-old says this, a question marks arises, does he say it to excuse some mistakes, or why exactly, and if it is a way to cover mistakes, are those genuine?

In the end, different people have different ways to deal with a loss and grieve in their very own way, if you can't resume your life as if nothing happened and have difficulties carrying on, take your time, this is only a normal phase you are going through after such a difficult loss. Best wishes to you. I am thinking about you and may you find comfort in your memories.


I admit that I have chosen to see him in a more bland way unlike others, but this is because I feel you could also be somewhat sensitive at this time and it seems to me you are exaggerating when you start your post by suggesting it's a tremendous mistake to answer the phone during sex. If you dislike this (and I see why you do), simply tell him this for future reference, then go back to love making and one problem is solved. The others remain though... see what can be done about the other problems you have. Best of luck, dear.

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A male reader, Sphronas United States +, writes (25 August 2009):

Sphronas agony auntLet him go. Why would you weigh yourself down with someone who cannot handle your sadness over losing your father? You are not a loser! You are a human being with dignity, who deserves love and respect. Take your time to sort out your own problems with the support of friends or family who really care about you. If things are too much to handle, you might also think about seeking out professional help. Then, when your life is on track again (and it will be!), you will be ready to find someone who really loves you.

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A female reader, duskyrowe United Kingdom +, writes (25 August 2009):

duskyrowe agony auntWhat an insenstive oaf your bf is. You are better off without this jerk, who has all the sensitivity of a paperbag. He should be there comforting you at your hour of need, not passing on shitty comments like "I can't handle your sadness".

Did he say who was on the phone while you guys was getting it on? I get the feeling he has another woman, or maybe I'm I don't know. One thing is for sure if you stay with him, you will be in for more pain and sadness. Drop this Jerkweed hun, he is not a man in my books.

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