A
female
age
36-40,
*ixieGwen
writes:My bf frustrates me sometimes- I dont get him.We get along great, hes fun to be around and funnybut he has a habit of joking 24/7.. it seems he can never be serious..even if I'm trying to be.I also have trouble knowing when he is serious - he talks about the future alot...what kind of wedding we'd have, what kind of children/names etc. Im trying to understand him better so i dont get upset.I dont like hearing that another woman is attractive doesnt matter if its a celeb or a random chick - its all the same. He thinks its silly and claims he tries not to do it (but does it anyway)..or if we're watching tv he'll ask me "would you have sex with that actor (ie jude law)" or he'll tell me "I saw your type of man at the chop shop/youd think hes hot( and then he describes the guy.. I have a thing for greaser guys and he knows this)or he'll say you'd like my friend or brother..so youre not gonna meet them, oh wait..my friend is married - NM you can meet him and then he laughs about it like hes jk. Which i dont think he is. Sometimes i feel im more of the guy in the relationship because i want to have sex all the time and alot of the time he's tired, or if hes upset cos of work etc..he wont be in the mood.or sometimes he just wants to cuddle and talkI love all of that but..I also want to have sex.I also feel less desirable if he doesnt want to have sex..it makes me feel bad.He thinks hes fat (hes not at all), he's balding a little and it bothers him alot..he makes comments on it frequently.I guess hes pretty insecure..? and i reassure him that hes not fat, that i love the way he looks (I mean its obvious if i want to have sex all the time right? lol). He also says i remind him of his ex wife.. that i have all of her good traits (they divorced cos she was an alcoholic and was jekyll and hyde).He tells me i love you but never straight fwd its always "I love my hedgehog" yeah he calls me hedgehog because he thinks im cute/theyre cute.He claims he never says "i love you" as is cause hes shy.. and i find that hard to believe..its not that hard? lol.He calls me daily sometimes twice a day or more just to say hi..which i like but then there will be a day or 2 where he'll decide to take a drive to his uncles and not even tell me..(his uncle lives like a few hrs away)he says he doesnt get good reception there.Also i find it weird that he likes to do alot of things by himself..run errands by himself etc. I like to do that with whomever im dating (i do alot by myself but i mean if we're hanging out)IE if i spend the night at his house and he has an appt the next day for school or something..he wont invite me..instead - i leave and he goes n runs his errands.Hes been making more of an effort to take me with him on errands and seems to have a blast doin so..(so i dunno why he does the loner thing)overall i just need advice on how to understand him better.Should i not let things bother me? because i want us to work..at the end of the day - i love being with him. BTW We've been goin out for 5 months and hes 32 y/o.
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alcoholic, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, I love you, in the mood, insecure, shy, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PixieGwen +, writes (16 January 2011):
PixieGwen is verified as being by the original poster of the question both of your replies were great..and helped me alot.
I'm definitely trying to give him room. Sometimes i get anxious over things..like he has trouble giving me exact times when we're gonna hang.. but i try to just appreciate the time we DO have together. I tell him i appreciate it when he does run errands with me..or helps me with something. I remind him that i only like him..(i could careless bout other guys).Sometimes he tells me hes goin to his uncles and that reception is crappy there..and then theres a time (like this wknd) where he ventured out ther.e..and i didnt know until i txted. I try to explain what bothers me in the nicest way possible..but he gets overwhelmed and bothered quickly (even though he says i can tell him anything) and by that point.. i get upset which leads me to cry. I hate that. & he hates when i cry cos he feels bad..and thats not my goal..i just cant hold it in lol & im incredibly sensitive. so far i think he knows everything that has bothered me..and my goal now is to not sweat the small stuff..like some of his silly jokes, or comments on pretty celebs.i def dont want to push him away or make him feel worse.. so.
anyhoo thanks soo much for your replies.. i will def try to be more patient, not let lil crap bother me..and just enjoy..
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 January 2011):
 He's not a teen, he's a fully formed adult man, who may have a little residual baggage from being married to his first wife. And he possibly survived the first marriage by having to get things done by himself. And by 32 he may have started the process of being set in his ways. This is who he is.
Being with an alcoholic may have meant people distanced themselves from him
and his wife. I do not think people always set out to be loners (who does not need friends). But i think some circumstances encourage people to be loners, as a survival skill. Whereas you probably seem like a breath of fresh air.
He certainly should be telling you when he is going away for a couple of days. He's not being considerate, but in deference to him, he's been alone for a while (if not physically then certainly emotionally) since his wife's alcoholism disrupted the relationship. I suspect taking off to see his Uncle was a regular retreat when he was overwhelmed - it became an escape, when he needed to get away from the pressure. Now it is a habit and a coping mechanism. But he should still tell you he's going. But when he does go, he does want to be left alone for a couple of days.
He's still determining who he is. If all goes well, and he feels safe to do so, he will edge closer to you, and seek out you, when he wants to talk things over. Like he does with his Uncle now.
At the moment i think he may see you as almost too good to be true. Hence his insecurity. About his looks, about you fancying someone else. Since you are not yet living together (but you do stay over) calling twice a day is pretty reliable.
It might be good to tell him that querying which celebrity you fancy is pretty inane. I mean I could fancy celebrity X but more to the point celebrity X is not going to walk through the door tomorrow asking, 'where have you been all my life?'.
If your guy fancied the latest model of a Lamborghini he's unlikely to park one of those in the driveway tomorrow. It's all fantasy. Focus on the real, tell him that those kind of (sexual or material) fantasies does nothong to advance YOUR relationship with him. Even him verbalising suggested fantasising (by you) about some local guy is unhelpful. Issue him with a cease and desist on this tactic, which is just a product of his insecurity.
He should NOT be suggesting you might fancy someone local, or otherwise, enough to want them. Remind him that YOU are with him. It's inappropriate to suggest you might even be considering another guy. You fancy him, and you make that very clear.
He should NEVER be comparing you ever, with his ex wife. You are not a replacement of flawed goods. You are an individual in your own right. Such comparisons have no place in your current relationship. Another Cease and Desist Order issued.
Let him have a little rope about some errands. It can be too much if we have no free time. Some time alone is not bad. Some people need more alone time than others. And things that happen, when apart, can be discussed together later, if relevant. It can be a sign of insecurity to need to spend every possible moment with another human being. Doing some things alone, sometimes, is healthy.
Some aspects, like joking around, can be long term ways of interacting. Some aspects are who he is. He's done it so long. And not all of it is likely to be offensive. Tolerate some things that are doing you no harm. He does not have to conform in every way to ypur ideal of the perfect man. Five months is not long. So perhaps try to tolerate the aspects of this trait than you can live with, and speak up about the rest.
If we rush to change too much, before we fully know a person and all their foibles, can make the person feel they are flawed in their partner's eyes. That can be hurtful.
An accepting and a non-judgemental
approach can build love and trust. And open up more communication doors in a relationship. To do that means a partner has to leave some criticism unsaid. Don't focus on the small stuff. It's minutae.
It's only the big stuff that needs to be on the table.
Up the sensuality in a subtle way to hopefully encourage his interest in you.
Think of sight (go to gym)
Think of taste (get cooking finger food or things that taste wonderful
Think smell - buy that good quality french perfume and wear it
Think touch - do a massage course
Think sound - play some sensual sexy soft music, and light candles when you serve the evening meal.
Wear sexy underwear, speak softly, gaze into his eyes, listen with all your heart to his words, slip into the shower with him and wash/massage his back when he least expects it.
- all designed to increase his daily desire for you.
Good luck
you can
Good luck with it all.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (16 January 2011):
Just remember there is a lot of truth in jokes so when he says "I love my hedgehog," he probably really wants to say "I love you so much." He probably wants to be more serious but does not know how. My bf is like that as well, I told him it is hard for me to know when he is serious. He cut down some now. I also have stopped taking it personal and I am allowing our relationship to grow naturally. It has only been five months for you guys so he is not going to be super serious this soon. Just take it slow, relax but definitely explain your feelings about it in a nice way. And yes, he does sound insecure, maybe he feels you are too good for him. Be patient about running errands together he sounds pretty independent in that aspect of things. Save some things for marraige :)
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