A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My best friend has a horrible boyfriend who tells her things like he thinks of other girls when they're having sex etc. She has the lowest self esteem (and self worth) of anyone I know. I keep telling her to dump him because he treats her awfully (ignores her when he's cross, calls all the shots, tells her he doesnt want to visit her when she's sad, swears etc). However, she simply refuses to dump him, everyday telling me it'll get better. But it doesn't and I can't keep writing the same things in texts to her over and over as it's just not going through. Ive told her she deserves better but nothing works. Please help, it makes me feel sick. xx
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 If you want her to leave him then you need to change tactics, because your current actions are just making her STAY with him. When people are in rotten relationships they are fully aware of it. They don't need someone who stands there belittling them and the relationship, telling them what to do, opposing the relationship and not supporting them. If you are a good friend you should support her through her crappy relationship. If you go on telling her "he is an idiot you need to leave him" then she will go into defensive mode. If you on the other hand support her, keep your thoughts to yourself, listen to her worries and ask her what SHE thinks about it in a non-confrontational way, then she will feel comfort in talking to you and open up. If she feels supported by you in her actions, be that staying with him or leaving, then she will feel much better about actually leaving him.
Right now, if she leaves him, she will feel humiliated because you've been nagging on her about it. It'll be like admitting defeat and have you say "told you so, you need to listen to me!". No one likes to hear that. If you instead try a supportive tactic, where you keep quiet about your thoughts and instead listen to her, then she will feel more at ease leaving him because she knows you won't be telling her "told you so". Instead she'll feel you will be there to comfort her through the heartache and pain, and not judge her for staying with him as long as she did.
Be supportive, not confrontational. Or else you alienate yourself and she might stop being your friend.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (16 January 2012):
 I completely understand how you feel, but sweetie nobody can help her or make her see sense, she needs to do this on her own, and she is simply refusing to look at it for what it is because she has low self esteem and feels this is all she deserves. Really all you can do is be there for her as her friend. Try taking her out and showing her that she can do so much better than this without actually telling her. Go on girlie nights out, have sleep overs. Do fun stuff and show her that what she has is miserable. I hope one day soon she will wake up and realise she can do better but for now all you can really do is be there for her and wait until she finally has the strength to leave.
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A
female
reader, LaLa12316  +, writes (16 January 2012):
Just be there for her, and make sure she knows you always will be. One of the hardest things in leaving an abusive relationship is that by the time you realise what's happening, you've already allowed yourself to be isolated from those who were closest to you. Xx
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