A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am no single mom, have no affairs, no pregnancy or sex problems. That means I have a very non exciting simple yet genuine concern here!I knew this guy in picture for two long and painful years. I cannot mention the circumstances we met in but just that he is a medico leading a very busy life. But he was not my doctor! My side, I am presently unemployed due to manifold reasons and am married to the best guy in the world. I am in the most stressful of my times much more than what you can imagine. It really zaps my physical and emotional energy and I lack a good social world around. I lack a good set of friends too.So I began to get closer to this guy who knew my problems, let's call him Mr.S. So he told me I could talk to him whenever I felt like. We generally text a lot, hundreds of texts with tiny jokes pulling each other's legs or even discussing our personal problems. We used to have late night chats too. I really liked the guy as he was well mannered, nicely groomed and a great human being. And my husband knew we were good friends.Recently, he got engaged to a girl whom he discussed with me a lot, send me snaps to and more. He always promised me that his status would not affect our relationship. And that we would always stay in touch whenever I needed him. That does not convince me at all as he does not talk to me in his workplace other than just acknowledge me. What was in exchanging pleasantaries? But he had promised me to take my out for a lunch which he never did. He also promised to introduce me to his girl which he has not done till now either!However, after his engagement our conversations have come down not that I waited for those talks. But I really missed talking to my good friend there. We say hello-hi most of the days and he just asks how I am doing despite my situations. My husband realised I was the same drooping flower again before I had this friend because no one else other than these two guys were now emotionally close to me. And he told me I looked bad shaped and he thought I missed talking to my best friend there. I told Mr.S I liked him for what he is and missed him and I realise that his priorities now changed. He tells me its I who don't talk to him as he is always there. But I know that its false words and they don't mean much.Dear Agony Aunts, I am in no agony here but as I write this I can't deny the wetness in my eyes. He was a friend who made me laugh in the most difficult situations in my life when I had very few people to look after me. He is someone who told me he wants to see me happy. He cheered me up through small talk and texts. Now I miss talking to him, I feel I am no one to him and not even a friend in real. I never long to talk to him ike before everyday. But tell me, would that be too much if I wanted to talk to him once a week??? Thanks for listening!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Tennisstar88,
My hsuabnd is always my best friend but you do need other friends too and that is why I guess they are two different words "spouse" "friend".
Nope, his fiancee does not even know that I exist. So she can't be the reason. And also, he has not started being aloof but his words and deeds don't tally much anymore. Evryday we text and nowdays he start them after we pass by each other as he never talks to me in front of his colleagues or my friends. He repeatedly promises me that he would be there when needed (I understand as a medico) and that I can talk to him whenever I feel unhappy. But most often he fails to respond and I feel the replies are more compromised than before. I don't like it.
So I told him that openly. He denies them and asks me when he failed to reply or that its I who don't talk to him. So there is no real answer and may be he doesn't realise that I am unhappy that he cannot spare a few minutes all for myself.
But you are right, I cannot do anything all by myself to save this relationship. I have to let it go. It was just that we did click well as friends from just starnegers and I liked him really well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Drew21,
I am really glad you answered with your experience. I am also unhappy that you had to severe all ties with her. Though it was impossible and incorrect to hang out with friends of opp sex it was unfair to have cut her off! Relationships happen with a reason.
I had the same experience unfortunately with my husband. He had a friend from college whom he went out to meet after my engagement. I did not dislike her as his friend but she herself had a bad reputation. She was married and separated and had an affair with another guy. So I hated my husband's involvement with her and thought he fought with me a few times he agreed to my wishes.
My friend has not donw anything like that as yet. Its just that I don't get enough of him and he denies not being there enough which irritates me all the more. Even now he is concerned if I am unhappy or sad. But he never does anything other than talk/text to help me out. I was quite sad when he took his date to the place where he had to promised to take me as a treat for his grad. I felt unusually jealous and immediately told him that. He takes it in his usual light hearted manner still promising me to take me whenever I liked! Now I know he won't.
I have no idea why he behaves in such a manner! I finally spoke to him that I feel I am no friend at all and that everything was artificial. Even to that he doesn't say much. Why why why?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (13 April 2011):
 Actually your best friend should be your husband, the one you go to about your problems and can help you solve most of them.
I know when people get married, it's quite a planning process to go thru, they tend to leave their friends out (especially the single ones). They're so busy wrapped up in their engagement and that big day closing in that's all they can think about. No excuse to let your friendships go, but it happens, due to the fact that there is some life changing event that is happening to them.
Another thought I had was perhaps his fiance told him not to talk to you anymore. Married or not, your friendship could pose as a threat to her engagement.
Really you are the only one that can make you happy, not your husband, or male friends. I understand that you need friends, but you don't need to emotionally rely upon them, that's what your husband is for. I think part of this rut your in, is due to the fact you're unemployed. In my opinion, I would be actively looking for a job.
As far as this friendship goes, there's nothing you can really do to stop it from fading out. I would give him a talk and tell him you would like to hear from him once a week, it's not that much to ask. If he doesn't actually ring you, then consider the friendship done. Then proceed to move on to new friends, perhaps appointing your husband as your best friend.
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Hmm.. it's a tough situation, when you're friends with a member of the opposite sex and that friend gets engaged..
Unfortunately his priorities have to change in a moment like that.
I know i used to have a friend who was a girl who I'm pretty sure i was the same sort of crutch for. This girl was always sad, always used by others, and for some reason we started hanging out and she claimed she'd never enjoyed life so much..
She was in a relationship at the time, so i never once thought about us in a romantic way...
I finally found a relationship of my own, and had to make a choice.. i couldn't possibly be the inspiring best friend for two women: So i had to let go of the girl who was my friend. It was hard, and she struggled with it, but unfortunately it was just the way it had to be.
I think you have to realize, too, that a lot of women would feel threatened by a relationship like the one you had. I know my wife was.. She did NOT like the fact that this friend of mine kept trying to stay in contact with me, and eventually i just had to sever all ties in order to keep my wife happy.
It's a tough tough thing to have a member of the opposite sex as a friend as you grow older...
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