A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have always had a complicated relationship with my parents. When they're not drinking and are being normal, we have a great relationship. When they are drinking and getting angry and crazy, things get very bad between us. Both of my parents are alcoholics. My mother on top of this has a pill addiction problem while my father has an extreme gambling addiction. You can imagine how hard living with them was. It's been about 3 years since I've moved out of my parents home and into my own place. It has seriously been a huge change.Well last weekend I was visiting with my parents and they sat me down and told me they are losing their home because they don't have the money anymore. They don't even have any money to eat. They eventually asked me to move back into their home so I can help with their mortgage. I was very upset that they would ask this of me as they know I love living alone. Well I made the mistake of getting angry and telling them they would have money if they didn't spend it on gambling and alcohol. They in return get mad saying they are the parents and I'm the child so I should help them no matter what and if I don't they'll be on the streets and it would be MY fault. To avoid further arguments I just told them I'll think things over and I'll talk to them later. I've been avoiding my mothers calls for a couple of days now because I know she's been drinking very heavily and I can't deal with this anymore. I've been dealing with it most of my life. I'm the only child, my mothers parents are deceased and my fathers parents live in Maine and I know they will never move there. So basically this is all on me and it's really messing with my mind. I need help.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 September 2015):
 Gee I wish that TalktoFrank.org operated in the US as it operates in the UK, but it doesn't.
You have a right to step away. You do not have to live amongst their slime and their disorder. If you give in they will drag you down to their level and not give you a second glance when they have destroyed you.
They sound like they both have addictive patterns of behaviour.
Their own behaviour and actions are destroying their futures and their lives.
They will not see anything wrong about manipating you to achieve the same result with your life.
That you could still get angry with them demonstrates that you still care. But caring too much can be destructive too.
Once you can step back and recognize that your are not responsible for their actions you will be on the way to doing the right thing by you.
They have addictive behaviur and pill taking, gambling and selfishness and they are insolvent. It is likely that they live in squalor or soon.
If you ''rescue'' them they will not have to seek other help nor change their approach yet.
You have no incentives to offer them to change.
If they were in an addiction program they would be denied contact with you until they has achieved some improvements and met some goals.
They need professional help. But they may have to sink lower before they find it.
You in the meantime should consider some counselling for you.
Especially as you are considering ''helping'' them when all you will be doing is enabling them and delaying any reason for them to change.
This is not a good situation but they are adults and thet are responsible for themselves.
If they knew someone softer and easier to manipulate than your own goof self then they would have approached that person instead.
Don't throw your life away and banish any thought that you should feel guilt about this situation.
I was happy to care for my beautiful wise kind former mother in law because she'd has a stroke and because she'd always taught me so much.
Despite all her medical issues she would find the time to thank me and show appreciation and even tell the other carers and the doctor about nice things I'd done for her. She made it easy to care for her.
But if she's been a pill popping abusive drunk then I'd be out the door.
They need to seek professsional help and public suppprt from authorities. Not that much is going to change.
Not until there is no other alternative.
Not until they are willing to accept the things they have done all by themselves,
to arive at this point.
This is not your fault and for your parents to think you ''owe'' them is ridiculous. You have earned the peace and serenity of living without their screaming, abusive tantrums and their disregard for your right to live in peace.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 September 2015):
 You write: "Well I made the mistake of getting angry and telling them they would have money if they didn't spend it on gambling and alcohol.
They in return get mad saying they are the parents and I'm the child so I should help them no matter what and if I don't they'll be on the streets and it would be MY fault..."
It's understandable that you got angry. Who wouldn't????
You need to stand your ground and continue to let your parents know that you have no intention of ENABLING them in their destructive behaviours and practices.
Note that YOU have become an adult... .whilest they've lagged behind.... apparently believing that they could hoodwink YOU in to saving them from themselves.
There's a time when we (all) have to let our self-destructive friends and/or family get to "the bottom"... at which point they will either STAY at the bottom... OR, will come to realize that ONLY THEY can make their lives livable.... YOU need to let them learn that...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2015):
 You are in the right. This isn't helping your parents out because they had a catastrophe, like a health scare or something out of their control. They are in a crisis of their own making, and they're abusing the family relationship by expecting you to come in, imprison your own life, and enable them to live the way they want to.
If they are losing their house, and they are gambling and drinking and pill popping their lives away, then they need to go to rehab, or treatment, or something professional in order to get their lives back. I would explain to them that you moving back with them would mean that you hate them and want them to destroy themselves with their lifestyle, and that if they were in their right minds, they would be horrified at what they're asking of you.
They have a lot of other options, like the aforementioned rehab/treatment.
There's only one practical issue that is at play here - and that's the mortgage. How long have they had that house? How many years left to pay on it? What is it worth? You as an only child could stand to inherit it if your parents didn't encumber it with home equity loans or it's underwater with bad debt.
Even if your parents weren't self-destructive, I would tell them that you want your name on that deed before helping out with a single payment. Not only that, but if my credit were better than my parents', I'd talk about re-negotiating payments, but I'd make sure I owned that house, or at least a 1/3 stake in it and an ironclad will stating that it was yours afterwards, and that there would be no selling that house.
But even now, that's not feasible, because I'm guessing they're so upside-down in payments, that it's a foregone conclusion that the house is in danger. In your case, I wouldn't want to do it either way, but I bet if you used the "Sign your house over to me" counter-argument, they'd balk, and that's your way out.
You may want to look up conservatorship in your state as well, not because of you caring for them, but because if they are as bad off as you say, you could get Adult Protective Services involved and get someone to take over their lives and assets, assign them to sober living and treatment, and your parents may get real help that way.
Those are some ideas, but what you must NOT do is just move in bail them out, and all you get is abuse and bad debt. Drug addicts and gambling addicts are known to try to get money any way they can. I know firsthand how a father used his son's credit rating to fraudulently get and then rack up credit and cash advances at the casino. He was a "Senior" and his son was a "Junior" and most clerks don't bother to look closely enough.
Be careful. Don't let them rope you into furious arguments, which is really hard because parents know how to press buttons that no one else can, but be rational and tell them they need help, and that they aren't willing to transfer direct ownership of their house onto you to protect the equity you'd be paying into it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2015): Your parents have got a nerve to dunp this on you at this stage of your life and you need a heart of stone because they will whittle away at you trying to get you to move in.No its not your responsibilty.Tell them so.Say its too bad I dont have proper parents and you two should sort yourselves out because I am not doing it for you.And then vanish and call adult social services to refer them somewhere they both need to go and meanwhile shake the dust off your feet as yoh increase the distance.Youre too young to take on their addictions and they will destroy you.Then consider changing countries!
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