A
female
age
36-40,
*orngirl
writes:I was wondering what people think about this one.I feel that if you're in a relationship with someone, you shouldn't fantasise/masturbate over someone else.To me, at that moment in time you're choosing to be with (think of) someone other than your partner.It may not be physical but emotionally I view it as cheating. At the end of the day, you could be with/think of your partner in your mind, but you choose not to.To me, if you're attracted to your partner, why are they not good enough? If you're turned on by your partner, why do you think of others to turn you on?In the past I have done this, but as I grew more serious about my partner I always felt guilty about it. I wondered why I didn't stay faithful to him-i wouldnt sleep with someone else so why do it in my head? Id still got off sexually on the thought of someone else... So I stopped letting myself do that and soon enough it became normal not to. Now I'd think of different situations etc, but always with him. That's how it is in real life and i wouldn't want it any different, so why would i want to think about something different?My partner doesn't think it's a big deal though and finds it intrusive on his privacy for me to ask about it. I feel that I'm not good enough/hot enough/exciting enough if he's not thinking of me. It doesn't follow through for me that I'm the only one he wants to be with, who he likes the most, if he then thinks of the hot girl from work/the cutie on the street, etc.He says he hasnt thought of anyone else for a long time since he became more aware of my being upset by this. Initially he said he'd started to see it my way and thought it was a bit bad, even though didnt think it that bad as 'no-one is hurt by it' (but i am...by his emotional unfaithfulness). Now I've found out that actually he doesnt agree I feel bad to force my views on someone and think he resents me for it. Am i a control freak, like something from 1984 gone too far? Or is it ok to truly just want your boyfriend, think he's the hottest guy you know, feel its not right to fantasise about any other good looking guys you meet and hope that he would stay as true to you as you are to him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, torngirl +, writes (21 October 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right in that he does feel his privacy is invaded and feels resentful towards me feeling hurt by it as he doesnt understand why I feel hurt because he doesn't think it's a big deal.There was something I didn't think was a big deal which he did, and I found I couldn't do it any more because I knew how much it would hurt him. And while that's a shame, his not being hurt is more important to me. I guess I wish he felt like that too.I'm going to ask him whether he would be prepared to (continue) not masturbating over other people because *he* doesn't want to because he doesn't like that i'm hurt by it. I know that showing my emotions and making him feel that he *can't* do it is just making him feel resentful. I'm not sure whether if he doesn't do it because of my hurt feelings he won't resent me still because he thinks I'm silly to get hurt by it. I could try to put it aside, but I know it will play on my mind. I'm not sure how I can be with someone who doesn't share my beliefs and as a result (although not directly intentionally) hurt me. I guess for people who don't feel the same it would be like staying with someone who repeatedly cheats when you feel cheating is wrong and hurtful, just because they don't think it's a big deal.This topic seems to have stirred up some strong emotions in both courts! Gee if only life wasn't so complicated and we could all have the same views on things like this and no one got hurt.
A
female
reader, DESTINY 23  +, writes (21 October 2009):
 my guy did it
I told him I did it too
there was a big guy ready for him... he got mad and sad its sick .. I agreed but I said when your fantansy is with other women all I can think is big bubba taking you from behind . He said he cant let that thought go and now his desire for fantasy has gone away.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (20 October 2009):
 I have to also agree with Satindesire's last post. It isn't just men who fantasize. Women especially have rich fantasy lives which often does not get articulated enough in many marriages and relationships.
Many times they suppress their own fantasies because they fear their own male partners will think they're slutty, or somehow freakish in a way. The reality is, however, that a good man and a loving partner isn't going to make fun of those fantasies anymore than a good woman would if her husband or partner related his fantasies.
Fantasies and living them out between partners during sex is extremely healthy and frankly, the failure to relate those fantasies and at least entertain the thought, rather than the deed itself, is where many marriages end up with extra marital affairs. Not all, not most but many.
A lot of women have written over the years that they have strayed outside of their marriages in missions of self-discovery, broadening their own sexuality and fulfilling some sort of fantasy life. They truly do act on their fantasies. A lot of times they do this specifically because their husband or partner would not accept those fantasies or just the thought of them.
Likewise, men do the same thing, albeit they articulate those reasons differently. But if he's fantasizing, there's nothing unhealthy about that if he's with YOU and not some other woman.
I can tell you, being in the profession that I'm in, I deal with marriages a lot and I will also tell you that the men will come in conference away from their wives, especially, and outright say the minute they mentioned something out of the ordinary to the wife, the wife turned a cold shoulder to them sexually. So they shy away from telling anything and trust starts to crumble rapidly.
If your man can't talk to you frankly and admit to you that he's got fantasies but he's acting them out with YOU, that's not something you want to discourage. He's going to take that as a sign that he can't trust you with his most inner thoughts and feelings and its just very destructive.
Eventually he's going to get turned off by you if you resent him for having a fantasy life.
That's what Satindesire's trying to tell you and I have to agree with her. She's actually being pretty frank with you by revealing a lot of information that's personal to her.
So in that respect, I have to say if you love your man, if you want him to be able to trust you; then you have to accept him for WHO he is, including his fantasies. He's saying this to you because he's not acting on them, he's acting them out with you. But like I said, if you want to get emotionally cold towards him, eventually he's going to resent it. Maybe not now, but on down the line he will lose interest and your intimacy will degrade rapidly.
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A
female
reader, torngirl +, writes (19 October 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I wouldn't split up with someone who dreamt about sleeping with someone else. As you point out, you can't control your dreams. You CAN control you fantasies though. Although if I dreamt about someone else, I'd try and figure out what it was that made me dream about them, and if it meant anything was missing from our relationship-and fix it if possible!
'Why would you want to be with someone else in your mind? Because it's fun'. It's also fun to have sex with other people. You do one but not the other? Why - because the latter would hurt him? What if the former did too? I don't think it's morally repugnant for you to both have a threesome, if you both wanted to do so. Why? Because you're both involved and you both want to. If only he did and you went along with it feeling crap that he felt the need to bring someone else in to spice it up when you were just happy with him, then i'd say it was hurtful.
The point I made about what if your partner masturbated over someone else but rejected you was designed as just another prompt. Not something for you to become somewhat vicious over.
Yes, at one point it was a problem. We don't live together and when I came to visit at weekends I would feel rejected if he turned me down at times because he was tired from a long week. I did wonder, why are you ok to stay awake during the week with your thoughts of other people, yet decline the real thing? Though of course the former takes less time.
It isn't really a problem now. He (tells me and I believe him) he doesn't masturbate over other women now - though as a result only does it once a week over me rather than every other night over various people. And- linked or not?- we have a lot more sex when we meet at the weekend now. He's far from having a sex addicition though, and I'm far from being sex starved. We have plenty of fun kinky sex...is that TMI.
What is so wrong with someone wanting to be faithful on all levels to their partner? What is the problem with someone making the decision not to fantasise about others, to be sexually satisifed with their partner, and to focus their energies on their partner rather than on other people?
But yes, it does cause problems when it leads to me feeling hurt if he masturbates over others. And, bless his heart, that he stops himself doing this for me rather than because he feels it to be wrong. I really value that he's done that, but it does now seem that its led to him feeling hemmed in because contrary to how he originally made out (that having thought about it he'd concluded that it was wrong although maybe not to the extent i feel) he actually doesnt feel it to be a big deal. The problem i agree with you is if others dont feel the same, whether you try to impose your beliefs on them or are hurt by them living by their beliefs.
Basically the question is how far along the line from physically to mentally to emotionally being with another person do you consider to be cheating? If you would not allow yourself to be with someone else physically, why allow yourself mentally? It's still a choice and it's still acting on feelings of attraction outside your relationship. What positive things can it bring? It seems like it brings you a few, but that's not the case for everyone. Why is your partner not enough? Is he really just not as hot as you would wish, is what you do not as exciting as you would like? Among the negatives I would say a dismissal of your partner's qualities, a focus on positives of other peoples, not thinking of things to add to your relationship and instead looking/thinking elsewhere. As for Mr & Mrs X, were you ok with a partner thinking of them while he's sleeping with you? Or is that disrespectful? Would you feel saddened that he was thinking of someone else's boobs/face/insert fantasy here rather than enjoying the reality of yours?
These are just prompts on something I'm genuinely interested in. There isn't a need to be quite so forceful in your answers....I wonder why this question triggered such a strong response from you and whether you're in fact seeking to justify to yourself the idea that your man might potentially fancy/want to be with others more than you, and just not act on it because he can't. I know the idea of this upsets me. I don't think he wants to be with other people *more* than me, but to put me aside for a night to have them as it were, does make me feel that i'm not 'special' or 'everything' to him as he claims.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 October 2009):
 I will disagree with you as well. Fantasy and reality are two very separate things. I think a healthy fantasy can keep a person alive, even endure unimagined pain and suffering.
I understand the loyalty part of your idea, but I just don't agree. I think you can be perfectly faithful, yet have a daydream/fantasy of Brad Pitt or whomever. It's like saying that you can't have a fantasy about winning $25 million because you only have $100 in the bank.
I think I would rather nor live then never use my imagination. Wow the world would be so bleak. Think of artists, writers who CREATE from their imagination and from their fantasies.
I don't believe the world is back and white - there is a whole lot of blue, red, yellow..............
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A
female
reader, torngirl +, writes (19 October 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies - particularly those who took the time to consider my points even if they don't agree.
Satindesire - I'm not saying that I don't ever feel attracted to other people - it's rare because I don't look at other people the way I would if I was single, but yes, it happens occasionally. Although I always find reason(s) to rate my partner as more attractive.
The point I'm making is just as we have a choice whether we sleep with them/kiss them (assuming they wanted to too!), we also have a choice whether we fantasise (and masturbate) over the idea of this. If someone came into our mind half way through, we have the choice to stop/to make ourselves think of our partner again. So why is it fine not to?
If someone is the only person you want to be with in physical reality, why do you want to be with others in your mind?
Likewise if you were tempted to get with someone else but wouldn't in reality, why is it ok to think about someone else in your mind in that way?
Yes, it's not 'real' in a physical sense. But you have chosen that other person than your partner. You have been tempted sexually by someone else and acted on it in your mind - and gained 'pleasure' by masturbating whilst thinking of them and not your partner.
Interesting how people mostly mention celebrities. What if your partner was wanking over your best friend every night?
How does this extend to when he's with you - is it ok for him to think of your best friend when he's sleeping with you? Or his ex?
(This isn't anything about my partner having a crush on a best friend/ex, I'm just trying to see if it being someone close to you would be more hurtful).
I'm not Christian, but I do feel that actively fantasising over someone other than your partner is disloyal and disrespectful.
Also, given the chance, would he then turn down Jenna Jameson, or whoever the lady of choice? If, as with his thoughts, you could never know unless he told you- would it be ok for him to sleep with her then?
Sometimes we do things without questioning them. That doesn't mean they're right. It doesn't mean we're bad, evil people because we're do them. But it can mean we avoid thinking deeply about things. Would you be hurt to know that your partner had been having recurrent fantasies about Miss X, someone you know and who your partner knows? What if he fantasised about her every other night but only slept with you once a week and turned you down the rest of the time? Would that be hurtful? And if so, can something not be wrong just because we don't know about it?
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (19 October 2009):
If you don't let your imagination grow with you, then you're suppressing your inner self.
Fantasies are healthy. Some can be legitimately acted upon and some not.
You're going to old-school Christianity that says if you think it, you've sinned in your heart.
That's ridiculous.
You're entitled to fantasize about a lot of things, and sex is a big fantasy topic. When you're fortunate enough to have someone that you love with you, sharing a fantasy is much more fun and enjoyable. It relieves tension, it creates more intimacy between partners; it fosters a lot of trust.
But if you discourage fantasy and punish him for it, he'll start resenting you and eventually leave. Try, instead, to be open to him and more importantly accepting of him as a complete man, instead of some kind of guy you keep suppressing.
Its not fair to him, and eventually you'll end up hurting both of you.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (19 October 2009):
 "I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts." - John Locke
I think this is a great quote in relation to the topic at hand. Your theory is logical, but in reality it doesn't bode well. If you don't feel like your husband is 100% into you, then perhaps he's not doing his job elsewhere in your marriage, or maybe you're overanalyzing. You do have a good point, but it just doesn't translate over to the real and healthy world.
We're human and it's natural to fantasize. Your husband could fantasize about Jenna Jameson, but it doesn't mean that if he got the opportunity he would choose her over you. When we commit to someone, we commit being faithful, even when it's a challenge. But, our mind is our own. We don't give up our thoughts or our daydreams.
I do really think that you have thought this over and make sensible points, but I absolutely think that there's nothing wrong with a fantasy life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 October 2009):
You do have an interesting point. But the truth is, there is nothing wrong with a fantasy, so long as it stays that way. You will be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't have a fantasy about someone else. That doesnt' mean they don't love you or want you entirely. A fantasy is like a naughty escape to something that can never be, because you don't want it to be.
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female
reader, torngirl +, writes (19 October 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do think that other people are good looking. However I choose not to think of them.
Plus surely a fantasy about a work colleague could lead to an ongoing crush and then flirtation and then more?
My thoughts are - if you are given the chance to get with someone else in a relationship, you (hopefully) don't. Why? Because it's unfaithful. So in your mind you have the chance to 'get with' your partner, or someone else. Isn't it unfaithful if you go for the latter? I really believe it is - why else would you feel guilty (or rather why would i have felt guilty in the past?)
Recently i felt attracted to a good looking guy in work. I never thought of him ...in bed though, shall we say. He crossed my mind a couple of times in the day though, not in a sexual way but in a i feel attracted to him way... I felt really really bad about this (and surprised as its unusual for me) but refrained from taking it further in my mind...Is it really being childish or is it actually having morals? How can someone be 'all you want' if youre jacking off to other girls rather than them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): Come back in ten years and tell us how it's going.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 October 2009):
Have you ever looked at a guy in the street and suddenly thought that he was hot? Have you thought about other guys in your head? Have you ever looked at an actor and fantastized? The point is, fantasies are healthy. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy so long as it remains that.
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