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Met a guy on Tinder. Was he just after a hook-up?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Online dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 November 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 November 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

So I matched with a man on tinder

Who was visiting my city for a week... I was surprised that I even went out with him bc I want a real relationship but he seemed really interesting. he actually asked me to coffee so wasn't really a hook up sitch.. we met up and We both felt like sparks flew and we both really dig each others *attracted to each other and just had a really good conversation* nothing else happened beyond that... he was leaving the next day .

I mentioned that I had friends in his city and he said I should come visit sometime he'd take time off. The city is an hour flight away.

So I have now booked a flight to visit my friends and also to see him he's pursued and asked if I was coming and seems interested but what am I doing? I just don't want expectations on this because I do really like him but ...was he just looking for a hook up is he still looking for a hook up?

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A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (30 November 2016):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntThis guy is only after one thing. His talk is a way to get you comfortable only. I think you are just lonely and are just needing some attention and this has prevented you from seeing this.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (30 November 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Uhm, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... I mean, I doubt that a man would go on Tinder to seek the future mother of his children. Tinder is geared to hooking up, or anyway, even for people able to conduct things a bit more elegantly , like this guy, for light, casual fun.

Now, yes there may be cases where from an one night stand or a sexual fling something more durable , or even

" happily ever after " develops, but I'd say this would be a rare exception, not the rule, so, if you want a real relationship, either you pass this one up, or you pursue your " something " without rosy tinted gasses and keeping your expectation very minimal.

He seems interested ? Well of course he seems interested !, he has not gotten laid yet ( pardon the brutality ). He would seem interested anyway before the dead is done, what is doubtful is , would he still be as interested after.

Now, of course if your motto is " nothing ventured nothing gained ", I can't totally and undoubtedly disprove you. Plus, you are adult and single, if you decide that you can handle a casual encounter, who are we Dear Cupiders to tsk-tsk at you .

I just warn you against letting your imagination, and expectations, run unbridled. You met this guy ONCE... and already like him " a lot ". You have already booked a flight to see him... oh pardon me, you are going to see your friends. But also pardon me if I wonder : and was this visit planned anyway before meeting the guy, were you going in any case to see this people ? ...Is it a regular thing, do you often or regularly commit your time and money to see these friends in this particular city.... or it was maybe years you only kept in touch by phone / email, and now all of a sudden,you feel you must see them in person ?:)

You see where I am getting at, which is : slow down. Pull your brakes a little. The odds of this being more than a hook up are against you, so it's a risky bet. If you still want to bet and see if you can overturn the odds, fine - but do not bet more that you can afford to lose. In other words, if turns out that yes he wants just to hook up, and this should be a source of heartbreak for you , and a big blow to your self esteem... then don't even start .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016):

Modnote: Title of question amended in response to OP remark.

. . . . . . . . .

Op. Yes it was not my title the site wrote that

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 November 2016):

Perhaps this was an error on the part of the moderator, but what relationship? You matched and met a guy you found on Tinder.

So many women get so emotionally-attached on good conversation and a few communications with a total stranger. For now, you're simply charmed. How do you know what kind of feelings you really have, until you actually know who you're dealing with? Until you've seen his full-range of behavior and emotions, including his temper.

Men most often are looking for a hookup, if they believe the opportunity is there. So do women. It never ceases to amaze me how lady OPs always imply guys are always the opportunists in the dating-game. So are you ladies. So many are on a manhunt for a boyfriend or husband. It's best to seek a reliable male-companion and build from that foundation.

Always take time to get a full-evaluation of the character of your love-connection. Conversation can go well, and a first-impression shouldn't be your only impression of a total stranger. You are already developing feelings when you hardly know why, or for whom. Some guy you had an interesting conversation with. Now you're ready for an hour's flight to see your friends. Really, to see him.

Girlfriend, get a grip!

Take it slow and easy. Be all eyes and ears during conversation; and encourage him to talk about himself. His past, present, and future. Find-out what his dislikes and pet-peeves are. Don't swoon so easily. Ease your way into his world and then decide if you really like him, and be sure lonely desperation isn't just pushing you towards the first guy you find interesting. Your first encounter was pretty risky, I might add.

So many people take these statistical match-ups on dating sites far too seriously. They simply add-up similarities in general responses to a few questions. People are prone to say what they think the surveyor wants to hear or are flat-out deceptive; so you have no idea if someone is a match until you've gotten to know them in-person. Even then, you have to penetrate the facade.

Set no expectations. What details and facts do you have to base them upon? All you know is you liked talking to him. Perhaps there is only sexual-attraction between you? It's not as one-sided as women try to portray themselves about sex. I'm no fool! I'm gay, I know what it is to long for a man's touch. I also have had women; and have provided what they've wanted and needed.

He's a stranger until you've become better acquainted, and there is nothing at this point to have any expectations about. That doesn't mean you can't be optimistic, just be levelheaded, patient, and observant.

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