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Men don't really accept me for who I am!

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Question - (20 April 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 21 April 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have noticed a pattern in my relationships---the men don't seem to really accept me for who I am.

I have a recent ex who did accept me, and does care for me, but due to our differences, decided that it would be best that we remain friends. I am sad, but realize that we may be better as friends than in a relationship.

My previous exes I had more in common with. We could talk for hours and hours, and we did seem to enjoy each others company. I sometimes wonder about how they are doing. I feel like they are probably married and with kids by now.

However, they didn't really seem to accept me. They either had issues with my appearance, or, they did not accept my background (I come from a very poor family). I feel like they liked me, but, their actions made me feel like they never thought of me as a serious girlfriend. Like, I was beneath them. From a very young age, most of the guys that I liked, liked me more as a friend, even if we were intimate. My earliest memories were of liking a guy who obviously didn't like me because of how I looked. Later on, my first semi-relationships were with guys who wanted to keep our relationship a secret, because of my appearance and lack of popularity.

How do I stop wondering about them? Why do I do that to myself? I feel like I would be ashamed to see them now, because those feelings of insecurity would perhaps show. Part of me feels like I could focus on their good aspects and how we got along. But why would I want to get along with someone that never really thought of me as a person with feelings? Why do I do that?

I want to meet a good person who loves me for me. I know it is possible because of my recent relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Spoke with family and friends, and I realize that I have a hard time letting guys do things for me. I have a hard time asking for their help, and I have a hard time letting them do things. I think it is because I worry about depending on them. I feel bad because maybe my past relationship ended in part because I didn't ask my bf for help, even when I really needed it.

I feel like I am deserving of love. I am a good person and I have a lot to offer in a relationship. Just need to find the right person.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well, I feel like I have a lot of good things to offer in a relationship. I try to be open and honest with people I meet. I have a unique look, and think that I am very pretty. I do realize that because I don't look quite the norm, the average joe may not be into me. I am okay with that. I just want people I date to be honest. It seems like the guys like me when we meet, but the physical connection isn't 100% there, so it ends up being a problem later on in the relationship.

I definitely do not try and change any of the men I date. I accept them for who they are as a person.

I do love myself, and I feel I am a good person with a lot of good qualities. My most recent relationship did teach me that I can find a person who will love me. I just feel a bit weird because the guy I dated loves me, but he often comments that he appreciates the things I did for him. I feel at times like he may not like my personality, but more that I was supportive during hard times. :(

I am working on myself and putting my needs first. My friends also want me to stop trying to date on dating sites. But meeting people in person is very hard. :(

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A female reader, kemara Antigua and Barbuda +, writes (20 April 2010):

If your in a relation now and the guy loves you for who u truly are, then u need not worry about those jerks.... You need to realize however, that before anyone can love you or you love them truly you have to love yourself first.

There are some things about me that i am insecure with and i would always let my boyfriend know about it and he complements me all the time even if i don't make a fuss. A woman does not need good clothes to make her confident or look good, the clothes need you to make it look good. think of it as that. with all the confidence in the world you can accomplish many things and show those guys who never appreciated being with you what they've lost and never regain. Its all up to you.

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A female reader, rambini United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2010):

rambini agony auntmy mum taught me a very good saying when i was little "if you don't love yourself how can you expect anyone else to love you". it is very true, you have low self esteem and dont value yourself, and so men are not going to either. if you have low self esteem and low self worth, men will see this and it will affect how they see you. also you are probably approaching the wrong type of guys, because you dont think you are "good enough" to meet guys who are any better. it is a vicious cycle.

you need to take some time to focus on yourself and your good qualities, then when you learn to love yourself for who you are, the right man will come along who loves you for you as well.

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A female reader, terrifenby United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2010):

terrifenby agony auntYou have some serious issues with your self esteem and if you cant love yourself other people find it hard to love you. Take a break from men and concentrate on yourself for a while it doesnt sound like you ever have done.

And as for the men in the past that exactly where they are in the past. Asfar as they are concerned you are most definatly better off without them. Been with some one who cant except you for who you are is not good for you.

Spend a little time concentrating on yourself and leave the rest to flow.

The right person for you is out there and some times when you stop looking so hard, they find you.

Best wishes


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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (20 April 2010):

Honeygirl agony auntHun, you sound like you have serious self-esteem and confidence issues.

You need to build confidence in yourself - you are beautiful regardless of what your outside appearance is... its whats inside that counts!! It does sound like your insecurities show through and adversely affect your relationships, hence the men treat you badly or want to keep you secret...

Being from a poor background should not affect your relationships unless you come across as being a gold-digger...

So work on your appearance, get a new hairdo, or loose weight etc., do things for yourself that make you feel good. Dont latch onto just any man just to have a man in your life... It is time for you to build your self esteem and confidence in yourself.


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A male reader, bruce lee Nigeria +, writes (20 April 2010):

bruce lee agony aunt That men don't accept you for who you are even though you seem like a nice person is distubing. But the main thing is that at the end of the day, you know in your own heart that you've got class.

I don't think you are beneath anyone.

You are also smart enough to know that relationships will not work if the other person does not accept you for who you are. Enjoy the day.

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