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Married to an abusive man, 5 kids and I think I'm falling in love with another man

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 June 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, *amaof5 writes:

Ok so I'm married going on 4 years this month. We've been together for 5+ years. I was abused in a previous marriage emotionally and now am putting up with physical and emotional abuse from my current husband... he's a disabled vet and things weren't always this way. Now I'm finding myself desperately attracted to/infatuated with the salesman at my local Walgreens. He reciprocates his attraction by hugging me or OBVIOUSLY checking me out or telling me how I'm beautiful or that he "fantasizes" about me... he is also in a relationship, but I feel this "friendship" has gone beyond the boundaries of whatever is appropriate... I feel like I'm falling in love with this man.. what do I do? Me and my husband have 2 kids together and I have 2 more from a previous and he has 1...

View related questions: disabled, emotionally abusive

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntAbuse is not okay, cheating is not okay. If you think your marriage cannot be worked on then you end things, get a divorce and concentrate on making sure you and your children are safe. I would suggest staying single for a while until you and your children are stable and happy.

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A female reader, Tia Maria United States +, writes (21 June 2017):

You're vulnerable and looking for a saviour-I've been there.A relationship with this guy is not appropriate-cut him off before you get in any deeper and get hurt.As for your current husband,only you know if you still love him and if you're ready to leave him or if you'd be better off on your own.Don't get involved with anyone else until you've sorted everything else out though, it will just get really messy

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada +, writes (17 June 2017):

Intrigued3000 agony auntThis infatuation is just an escape from your own life. You're not in love with the Walgreen man. You are in love with the idea of a man you think he might be...a prince charming who will whisk you away from a life of drudgery. The Walgreen man may turn out to be like all the other men in your life who let you down. I think you should focus on your own happiness. Be your own Princess Charming and rescue yourself. Ask yourself the questions, "How would you like to be treated? What makes you happy?" Then treat yourself that way and do things that make you happy. Everything else will fall into place.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 June 2017):

I don't think the guy at the pharmacy is really as serious about things as you are. I think you've had some hard-times through your marriages; and you're searching for someone to give you attention and make you feel attractive.

If your husband is having problems with PTSD and his injuries; it would be best that you offer him an ultimatum to seek counseling and therapy, or leave him. You should contact the Veteran's Administration for family intervention counseling; because your husband is out of control and you cannot handle things by yourself.

The children's safety and welfare is left in your hands. They are affected by his anger-problems, the domestic-violence, and verbal-abuse. His violent behavior will be passed-on to the boys to be the same, and the girls will believe it is acceptable; because you have stayed and allowed him to harm you. They know what's going on. You didn't bring it up, but I suspect he has directed his aggression against the children as well. I wouldn't believe you if you denied it.

There is no way on earth it is not affecting them; and they aren't acting-out or showing stress themselves. While you're out adding but one more complication to your life that you can't handle.

There is no excuse for abuse. Men who won't get help for the sake of their families don't belong around them. I'm a vet, and I have all the respect in the world for my veteran brothers and sisters who have served; and give special thanks to those who were injured, or lost their lives, to keep us safe and free.

I think you need some specialized-counseling as well; because you're unable to get your marriage under control. Instead you're out seeking comfort from yet another man who doesn't show qualities that would offer you, or your children, a safe and stable home. He's a guy who flirts with married-women with kids; while he's already committed to someone else. Which means he doesn't mind cheating, and has no respect for boundaries.

You're not in-love; you're in-need. You are lonely, needy, neglected, abused, and emotionally-exhausted.

Your husband is in his own world, dealing with his pain and frustration. He has pushed you and his family away. He may be in need of very serious and intense therapy that may require long-term treatment. You also need counseling, because you too suffer from PTSD; and he is only exacerbating a problem you already had with trauma from your previous marriage. You run to men for all your needs. From one bad marriage to another, now some goofball-flirt at the local Walgreen's.

Sister, get a grip!

No relationship you have with anyone at this point will be a healthy one. There is too much going on, and I fear for the children. All the adults around them are a mess.

I'm not even going to give two cents about some loser you met in a drug store. You need to get your husband and yourself in for some counseling and treatment before your mental-health problems destroy the children. If family or neighbors take notice of the children showing distress; or the children show signs of trouble at school, you both stand a chance of losing them.

Children do not deserve to be in an environment where their parents need help and won't seek it for their sake. They are innocents and deserve to be safe, happy, and protected. Kids should see their parents expressing love and affection towards each other. That gives them a sense of well-being, and it keeps them well-adjusted. They will perform better at school.

If you don't find a way to fix things; eventually some conscientious person is going to notify child-protection authorities! And they should!!!

Let that possibility motivate you to get your life together and protect yourself and the kids. I have to come across very intense, this is serious. You and the kids are victims of domestic-violence. If your husband finds out about that guy, no telling how he will react. Gossip gets around fast!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (17 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntStop having contact with the guy you're infatuated with. Go to another store or just stop going to his checkout/area.

Get couples' therapy or a divorce. Abuse is never okay, but it doesn't excuse cheating either.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (17 June 2017):

Denizen agony auntWork it out with your husband - for good or bad. Until then use another Walgreen. While it is always nice to have a little bit of sparkle in your life, it is a distraction from your problem. You need to fix the problem. How to do this is a problem in itself. Could you see you and your husband going to couples counselling? Has it gone past that and you want to separate? If that is so you need your own career and your own place to live.

Imagining that you can just move in with someone else - not that you have suggested it - is no long-term solution generally speaking.

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