A
female
age
,
*hereafter
writes:I had been seeing a man for over a year, then he broke it off stating he was not ready for a long-term commitment. After 8 months with no contact, we recently reconciled. I suspect he may be married and have tried to ask questions to determine his situation, which has resulted in defensive responses. There are so many signs that indicate he is married (frequent canceled dates, no sleep overs, won't answer his cell phone, no invites to his house, breaks in late night IM conversations, never met his friends or family....) I met him from an on-line dating site. He seems to have a reason for everything such as: he is a spontaneous and solitary man, wants to take things slow, doesn't like needy women). I recently broke it off, because it is obvious, that I am his last priority as indicated by two canceled dates over Xmas holiday. My intuition told me long ago to take heed, but unfortunately I fell hard for him and all his charming ways. I am writing for re-assurance that I did the right thing???? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Good for you and thanks for the update
A
female
reader, thereafter +, writes (2 February 2011):
thereafter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is an update: My ex-boyfriend never contacted me after I broke it off with him. I have started dating others and have utilized my past experience as a learning tool for future red flags. I have learned that keeping my self respect is of greater value than accepting the bread crumbs this kind of man dishes out. I now know that following my female intuition is better, than giving all men the benefit of the doubt. If a man seems elusive to answering questions, cancels dates often and makes a woman feel kept at a distance, than he may be hiding something. Thanks all of you for your support and advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): He is a ' CLASSIC Mr. Unavailable ' well done you, for not sticking around any longer. And how do I know this, well I've studied all the signs, researched and written about it. A full and lengthy chapter in my book I published last year ( NO it's not a plug) for females looking for commitment and the signs to run from.
Online dating is notorious for this, as it is free, and anyone, married or otherwise, emotionally distant, dysfunctional can join, pull in females with their oozing charm and warmth - then as soon as anything concrete might build, it's hot and cold, confusing behaviour, but one thing that isn't confusing - they will never invite you home, you will never meet friends or family, because if you did, they would have to face that you are a very real part of their life, and Mr. Unavailable likes to control from his very safe and distant perch. So married or single, you spotted he was the quality article you were looking for, and did the right thing, ended it.
I really hope you find and meet someone nice..Good luck!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): I think you know he is in some way unavailable to you, married or not. You are right to not bother with him. He is not a good bet as a man, being so unreliable etc. Yes he may be charming but it's often those types who get away with this sort of things. Forget him, really.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Nowadays, it's very simple to tell if someone is married with the internet and public records.
There are background checks (just google those words) that can pull up all public information like marital status, employment, all of his relatives, his last address, criminal and civil court history, such as bankruptcies. They'll even list all of his relatives as well as neighbors, property records, reverse phone logs, and the like.
For just a half hour of your time and a little coin, you can know more about him than he does and get your answers definitively answered.
If you don't want to go through all that, I can say that with that pattern, he's got someone else.
Sorry this happened!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Make it your New Years Resolution to pick only emotionally available men.
You deserve a big High Five for not taking more c*** from this man and standing up for yourself. You deserve better! Let's hope for a really stand-up guy to come your way in 2011! x x x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Basic common sense often runs out the door when you’re stressed. Relax, breathe, sit back and allow yourself time to think.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (31 December 2010):
Yeah...listen to your gut. Run the other way, real fast!!!
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A
female
reader, Merilee +, writes (31 December 2010):
Even if he isnt married or in another committed relationship, he definetly shows all the signs that he just isnt that into you. Could be lies, could be hes selfish, could be so many things. But the end result is that you deserve so much better.
You most definetly made the best choice for yourself !
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Good on you girl...you had the strength to walk away from a time waster low life.
Don't talk to me about charm, I have dated some very 'charming' men...'charming me towards the bedroom' that is...even snakes can be charming ya know!! it counts for nothing.
Don't look back...EVER, not even if he promises you the earth...people do not change...this we know.
Face the new year with positivity and a love of yourself and believe that you deserve better than the dregs of men!!
Hugs hunny
Aunty Em xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (31 December 2010):
 This man sounds like a complete jerk! You did the right thing to end things with him as it sounds like he might have been using you. He is either utterly selfish, living with someone or seeing someone who isn't giving him everything he wants so he gets it from you. He treated you badly and does not deserve your friendship at all.......................find a kinder nicer man and forget about this guy
Hope you can get over him soon and all the best for 2011!
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 Yes you have! You know inside he is married! why settle for this? You have fallen for a bed of lies. You're in lust with the way he makes love with you - forbidden sex is so awesome, the adrenlin mmmmm but it takes you on the road to no where. Imagine the web of lies he is caught up in, (Wife, Children, family, freinds and YOU ) - this is an ugly selfish situation. This man is sexually driven ONLY.
You will always be second best if you contine to let him walk through your door. Married or Emotional, its all bullshit. Dont settle for less than you deserve.
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