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male
age
41-50,
*onfusedman07
writes: I need some help and advice as I think my marriage of 7 years is almost at an end and I'm not sure what to do. Let me start with some background - been with my wife for almost 11 years now and she's known for pretty much all those 11 years that 2 things that I absolutely cannot stand are piercings and tattoos (sorry to those that have them). She has 3 of the latter but told me in the beginning that she was done with them. So after much soul searching and a lot of pain on my part, I accepted them knowing that there would be no more. I've been 100% against piercings from the beginning (nose, belly, eye, weird places on the ear, etc) and she has known I would not accept that in any shape or form.Things have been pretty good for the past years - we've had our ups and downs as most couples until last week.For the past 6 months, she had been talking about getting the front flap of her ear pierced. Of course I've been in opposition to it. The talks never seemed to be serious, just something to get a rise from me.Well, last week she went and had it done. After about a day of hiding it, I saw it and flipped. After about a week of the silent treatment (as I didn't want to ruin the rest of the family's Christmas), we had a huge fight about it tonight. The usual suspects - Lots of things we hate about each other, how I'm making a big deal over nothing, she can always remove it, not needing permission, etc. How I'm the bad guy, not her father, etc. It was really ugly there for a while and I think we ended up more yelling than getting anything accomplished.Basically I really can't stand the sight of it and of course like a dent on your brand new car, my eyes immediately go there.Basically my choices are to "Get Over It" or to get a divorce. I pretty much said option #1 will never happen and option #2 isn't something I really want nor will I say that at this point. And if I utter option #2, knowing the both of us it will be splitsvile.So, was I wrong to blow up? Should I just get over it? Give it a couple months and then blow up? I'm sure there are other deeper issues at play here, but really don't know as things have been good for a long time.Anyone been through something similar? Any words would be great - maybe after sleeping on it, we can have a productive discussion later.Thanks for reading my tale of woe!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Sorry to say this but you sound like a complete idiot. If you can divorce your wife over a piercing, you don't have much of a marriage to begin with. I think this piercing issue is a symptom of some bigger problem with which both of you appear to be unable to confront or even admit. Before you go filing papers, maybe you should sit down and talk with your wife and figure out what the real problem is. Then, once you figure it out you can decide whether your marriage is over or not.
-Just keeping it real
S
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Alright...this is dumb.
Anon needs to read over my questionnaire. He needs to realize that even in his post and his own admitance...he has traits that indicate he is abusive and controlling.
A BIG SCREAMING YES TO: NUMBER 6...that there had me suspicous.
Also...I would like to know what the fighting is like...is it more than screaming? Does it involve name calling? Put downs, threats, violence?
Most partners who have experienced years of abuse and neglect...will become angry and resentful and begin to develop the same traits as their partner in hopes to fight back and regain their personal respect and "power", especially if they feel that they have given up so much only to discover they were being controlled.
I'd be angry too. Rightfully so.
To believe that a piercing...after informing him for 6 weeks so he could get used to the idea...I don't think she was playing him; how could he be surprised, shocked, hurt?
Is he going to disown his children if they get a tattoo or piercing?
There are obvious reasons to me why she would go ahead and do so. Knowing the "consequences" of getting one would be he is going to divorce her.
Anon...maybe that is what she wants, ever thought to ask her?
Just get to a marriage counsellor PRONTO.
That he remains silent now...I think I hit closer to home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006):
Thats called projection.
None of us know if she "slaves away". We dont know if she is getting a reward or not. We dont know if there are kids and if she is the one who is doing the cleaning.
Its very easy for us to decided that piercings and tatoos are no big deal but appearently they are to the the guy who asked the question and they both knew it for years.
The point of the issue is not that he is being shallow or that he ought to change his whole out look and find piercings suddenly "enhancing". The wife was giving him a big FU in a way she knew would annoy him. You can deal with that, or wait until she ups the ante and starts having afairs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Yes anonymous, and if it was about painting the bedroom yellow, then we would still give the SAME advice: it's just painting the freaking bedroom yellow!! Who cares- this man has to pick his battles: Is his wife getting an ear-piercing going to shatter his world??
Confusedman07, we would really appreciate some more input from u here- has anything these aunts said to u impacted u at all? Have u had a change of heart or do u stand ur ground on this matter?
HER PRIMARY BENEFIT WAS NOT TO ANNOY HIM- IT WAS TO DO SOMETHING FOR HERSELF, SOMETHING THAT SHE WANTED! FORGIVE HER FOR WANTING SOMETHING FOR HERSELF- LET HER RATHER SLAVE AWAY FOR THE FAMILY AND GET NO REWARD-
It's just a small piercing.... Grounds for divorce?
If so then Good Riddence to you confusedman07: perhaps she deserves someone better than a man who is shallow and controlling! YOU ARE BEING PETTY!!
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 I certainly don't think getting one's ear pierced is grounds for divorce!!
If she is a good mother to your kids, cleans your house, cooks your meals, getting her ear pierced is her reward!! If she didn't do the above and was cheating on you, then a divorce would be just!!!!
Getting an ear pierced or getting a tatoo doesn't make her less of a woman...it enhances them (as long as it isn't over-done)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Look, whatever the guy's reasons for not liking tatoos and piercings, maybe religious, maybe aesthetic, those are moot. She knew what his feeling was going in. As far as we know from his question text, she has been crystal clear how important this was to him for the last 11 years. And he reiterated 3 weeks ago. Aunts: It doesnt matter what you think about tatoos. It doesnt matter if you think its controlling. It is irrelevant if you think the guy is a fuddy-duddy. These two people had an agreement that was understood and honored by both parties. This could as easily be about a pact that they had never to paint the bedroom yellow. She really derives minimal intrinsic benefit getting a piercing. The primary benefit has to got be because she wants to ANNOY him. If you dont deal with that your advice is useless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): confusedman07-
Think about this:
People ask you why you divorce after 11 years- you say "because she got her ear pierced"- that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard.
A piercing is just like clothing and hair color/style- its an indication of individual style and who you are.
FOR GODS SAKE ITS A PIERCING IN AN EAR- Not a nipple, not a tongue, not a belly button..
Your wife did not "act out" and she does not have "underlying hostility" as male anonymous wrote. She decided she wanted a change- just like a new wardrobe or new hairdo- she simply thought that it wouldnt be such a big deal because its what SHE wants for HERSELF. She doesnt need your permission.
She has a right to look the way SHE feels comfortable and beautiful, and if that means an ear piercing then so be it-
-You should love your wife whether she has green hair, one leg, or the most hideous clothing on.
-You are over reacting to something so small that your wife did to make herself feel better about who she is and the way she looks.
-If you wanted to go buy yourself a motorcycle and wear snake skin pants and a tank top- wouldnt she support u no matter what? Why? Because she loves you!
You need to choose your battles- this is not worth fighting over. She could be drinking, doping and sleeping around- count your blessings.
I suggest you buy her a bunch of flowers, go tell her u forgive her and love her and make a choice to be happy and thanful for what u have instead of controlling, trivial and miserable! If u do this, i guarantee u your wife will realise her mistake, and most of all realise what a wonderful husband she has, that he's strong enough to be the hero and make things right... Good Luck and i hope u make the right decision.
And DR PETE- you're the only male reader here who isnt a biased jerk! The others say she's wrong and he should just about "take revenge" on her- how very juvenile! Thank You Dr Pete!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): You sound abusive and controlling. You shouldn't excuse a week of silent treatment to be acceptable as it is a form of punishment and abuse and this in itself is an idicator of a controlling man.
I would be interested in knowing what the ups and downs of your relationship were. Were they more about her not conforming to the many rules and restrictions that you SET without really accepting her and her wishes?
Really, piercing does not make her less of a woman or make her bad.
You both are not growing together which means you are not working together either. She sounds like she made alot of compromises and sacrifices in your relationship and marriage over the years and now...she goes and gets a piercing and you are ready to toss out the marriage?
Hmmmm.
What was with the bad guy and not her father? Are you the man who hates his Wife's Dad and wants to SHOW her just how wrong/evil he is and have Wife choose YOU over HIM??
Just it was an oddly placed but highly significant dropping of a cause to the many up's and down's of your marriage I gather.
*re-reads post*
You can't stand what the earring represents in your mind and I have to say you piled a heck of alot of crap unto it...dishonesty/unfaithfulness in that you believe she misrepresented herself to you all these years, Her relationship with her Father vs Yours with her
Just a thought, Does Father in Law have tattoos and piercings too? Do you and Father in Law get along?
Okay...
*re reads post*
You have loads of anger in you. Why? Was this anger in you 11 years ago? Why? Where does it stem from? How was you home life? Over critical parents?
How about this.
This is a questionnaire taken from Beverly Engel's book titled "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" which can be found on page 17:
1. Do you believe you have a right to make most of the decisions in the relationship?
2. Do you insist that your partner do as you say?
3. Do you perceive yourself as being superior to or "better than" your partner (e.g. smarter, more competent, more powerful)?
4. Do you secretly disrespect or even despise your partner because you feel she is weak, inadequate, stupid, or a pushover?
5. Did you deliberately get involved with a partner who would allow you to maintain the dominate role in the relationship?
6. Do you give your partner the silent treatment or withhold approval, affection, sex, or money when she doesn't do as you wish?
7. Do you threaten to leave the house or to end the relationship whenever you don't get your way?
8. Do you think your partner and others are just too sensitve and that is why they get their feelings hurt so often by the things you say and do? Do you think your partner should just learn how to laugh at herself instead of taking offense when you tease her?
9. Have you insisted that your partner drop all or most of her friends and outside activities?
10. Have you ever denied doing or saying something just to make your partner doubt her perceptions or her sanity?
11. Do you believe your partner should be willing to have sex with you whenever you are in the mood and taht she should be willing to engage in any sexual activity you are interested in exploring?
12. Have you ever threatened to find someone who would have sex with you or who would engage in sexual activities you want to engage in if your partner doesn't comply?
13. Do you experience frequent mood shifts, sometimes going from loving to rejecting in only a matter of a few minutes? Do you frequently become enraged? Are you often unaware of what causes your moods to change but assume it is something your partner did or didn't do?
14. Do you believe your partner should put things aside in order to tend to your needs? Do you believe your partner should watn to spend all her free time with you, and when she doesn't, do you accuse her of being unloving or failing as a partner?
15. Do you telephone your partner at work or at home wanting reassurance that she is still there and still loves you? If your partner isn't available to talk to you, do you become enraged?
16. Do you question your partner incessantly about her activities when you are apart? Do you want her to account for every minute of her day? Do you assume she is hiding something if she can't account for what she was doing at any given time? Do you insist she carry a pager or cell phone so you can always get a hold of her? Have you ever listened in on her phone conversations without her permission or made visits to her work or the place where she said she'd be just to make sure she is there?
17. Do you insist on being in control of the money in the relationship? Do you insist that your partner ask your permission before spending any money, or have you imposed a budget or an allowance on her? Do you require your partner to account for every penny she spends?
18. Do you expect yoru partner to always have the same opinions as you? To vote the same way? To like the same activities?
19. Have you ever threatened to hurt yourself or destroy something of your partner's? Have you ever threatened to hurt your partner? Have you ever threatened to hurt your parnter's children, family, or friends?
20. Have you ever thrown or broken objects while in a rage at your partner or in an attempt to scare her? Have you ever refused to let your partner leave a room or your home? Have you ever pushed or shoved your partner?
I'm done picking apart you "tale of love and woe".
And yes, you were wrong to blow up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): How sad. You and your wife have serious long term problems deeply embedded in your marriage, with the main problem being 'severe power struggles', the lack of respect for and bitter lashing out at each other. I think the ear piercing is just a symptom of a much huger problem but she used the 'ear piercing to get back at you. In the beginning, you made it clear you didn't like piercings and she promised never to get another one done. But she went ahead anyways. It sounds like you and he she have had enough! I am sorry..I think you should get some counselling. When we love one another, we don't purposely go and do things that will cause resentment and anger in the other. Usually a couple compromises, negotiates and their deep bond and devotion rules out. You both aren't feeling this. Get some help, as soon as you can.
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (29 December 2006):
 All of you talking about choices, let me ask you this: if your partner wanted to get their leg removed (some people have this idea a certain part of their body causes all their unhapiness) would you be ok with it? After all, its their choice, why would it bug you at all right?
Choices have consequences. She's married to you. You already explained your position on this and obviously she must've agreed to not get anything else done since you married her. Thus she broke her word. Since it does affect you, she should've talked to you about it first.
It really sucks that there's only two choices available to you... I guess if you wanna stay together, this is one more thing you're just gonna have to accept. You'll have to set the limit to her. Let her know you wont tolerate her going back on her word any further and be sure to mean it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006):
F' all that "you're being judgemental noise"
This is not about the piercing, its a big FU to you. I think you are entitled to judge that.
From the way you tell it she was totally clear on your feeling on piercings and has been for 11 years. No confusion on her part about what your reaction would be. One thing you didnt mention is how long out of that 11 years you had been married, that might be relevant.
You choices are 1. ignore- but since this is a symptom she will probably continue to act out. 2. Divorce- you'll have to weigh the cost of that; there may be children you didnt mention. 3. respond in kind- find something to annoy her and act on it in the hopes that it will bring her to her senses. It seldom does though.
If you dont have kids I think that you ought to have a conversation with an arbitrator about what divorce arrangements would and division of assets would be. If she wants to continue down that road, the path will be clear; if not she has the oppertunity to pull back and go into marital therapy with you.
What wouldnt be great is continuing in a marriage where she has underling hostility that she continues to act out on you in the coming years. That will make for a very hard life.
Oh yeah, and you should go out and get a motorcycle dude.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (29 December 2006):
 You may not like piercing, in your body you have the choice to decide it is for you or not.
But you need to respect that your partner has the same choice in life.
You need to decide if you are more angry with your wife getting an ear pierced or because she went against your wishes.
The deeper issue here is that no matter how long the relationship lasts, we are all individual and cannot control our partners. If we try, it can drive them away and make them want to do their own thing (like Forbidden fruit syndrome).
If you really love your wife, you will find a way to accept her for who she is and make this marriage work. Oposing to piercing, will just make her get another one, just to stamp her personal freedom to express herself. Seven years is a long time to dismiss based on a piercing, unless this would be used as an excuse to end a relationship. Either way you both need to communicate and lots to rebuild some trust and security issues. Knowing how important it was to you, yes she should have told you but remember she did not because she knew how you would react. So when you next talk, to not "blow", be gentle and understanding to encourage your wife to talk to you openly.
I hope you see this situation for what it is, a compromise.
Be thankful for what you have and be happy.
xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): Oooh yes, I agree, I think you are being quite judgemental, I think if you had handled this differently she probably wouldn't have got another one done. Maybe having the piercing done is a sign of something bigger, and you acting like her father is going going to make things far worse!
I think you are the one who needs to compromise and chill out on this or you will eventually find your wife will be the one who may utter the word divorce and, of course, things will spiral out of control and before you know it you have split up over one little piercing - how tragic!
If you are so against piercings and tat's then divorce this women, but I must say it sounds pretty petty and rediculous from where I'm looking and, tragic that an 11yr relationship can end for such stupid reasons! It's just a piercing, can you really not see beyond that and see the person you're supposed to love and cherish? Seemingly not!
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A
female
reader, JustJessie909 +, writes (29 December 2006):
OKay That is ridiculous you need some psychiatric help. Not to be mean but really if you would even consider a divorce over a piercing you are either crazy or you really need to talk to someone to get over this issue. I mean really people cheat on there spouses and manage to work it out. You sound like a child? I cant imagine you being with someone for 11 years and this is what it all would come down to....HAHA please get some help for real!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): Oh my God!!! Did she have a wild affair? Did she go out partying til the sun came up every night? Did she have an abortion without telling you? Is she having rampant sex with every guy that makes a pass at her? Is she a mother of children you know nothing about? Is she married to someone else?....Noooooo she has had a priercing...!!! WOW that must have really broken your heart dear boy. Mmmmmm.. many people who are married and have had problems in their marriage will be so shocked by your dilemna....shocked with laughter mate!! Divorce my arse...bloody hell what is this world coming to? You got issues mate...maybe she has too...maybe she is trying to tell you something??!! Ha..!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): Come on. If you love your wife, a piercing in her ear would not be that big a deal to you. You are being very judgmental. Sure, maybe she should have told you first. But, you wouldn't have let her get it!
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