A
male
age
51-59,
*ustsit
writes:Something is not right with my marriage. I am scared and I have no idea what it is. We’re both fiercely loyal and I have no fears regarding infidelity. That’s a given. But something has and is changing. Its as if there has been some sort of drop in respect from my wife. As if she has lost some sort of ability to care about how her moods and her attitude to certain things is affecting me. She blows hot and cold and its really really wearing me down. We have a busy house and busy lives but this was NEVER a problem in the past. We were a team and now I feel like I am the caretaker merely there to ensure things tick over. She took on a new role that has not gone as well as she had hoped. But again, I can only say that I would NEVER let anything (particularly money or work) come between us. It seems she doesn’t share that philosophy anymore. I am really struggling and feel like its chipping away at our relationship. I am at a loss as to what to do – I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t do something. I have tried talking to her and she will do and say all the right things for a while…then it drifts off again into a grey and damp feeling in the home. I have been as supportive as I could. I have been there for her and only ever been cathartic when she has not given herself any time to have away from her laptop or work. I am scared of the relationship fading and I really really don’t think she realises how dangerous a situation we’re in. If I were to sit down and talk to her again it would be without doubt labouring a point. I have done that already so many times. We have a 3 year old boy who is an absolute delight… but I am afraid that despite this, its not enough. She is extremely skilful at making me feel like its always me that has done the wrong thing. I feel like I cannot open my mouth without it being frowned upon or that I am somehow speaking out of place…..its like there has been a seismic shift in some sort of power balance - not that it was ever one sided. On the contrary we were a team as I said. Either way it feels awful at the moment and I really don’t know what to do. thanks for reading and any advice you may offer...
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 June 2016):
YEAH BABY !!! You GO Justsit!!! :)))) Show her what you're made of.
A
male
reader, justsit +, writes (23 June 2016):
justsit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow...such wisdom here! Thanks so much for your advice. I am erring on the side of stepping up. I never really considered that this might be what was needed - how stupid of me. I have taken the reins and she is starting to make some changes to manager her workload and reduce her stress. I am already doing my bit (I am I promise) so maybe what I need to do is just that....man up! My self esteem has been given a boost as I am feeling more proactive and actually contributing and making a stand wasn't as hard as I thought - I am not a wilting daisy by any means but it was still tricky
Thanks to you all!!!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Is it possible that your wife is going through the menopause? As this can make moods go high and low and with work and a three year old that would be a lot of stress.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2016): I noticed your age between 51-59, and the fact you have a three year-old child. This is averaging your age somewhere in the middle. She's still child-bearing age; therefore there is a slight age-gap between 6-10 years.
My friend, you are growing older and more set in your ways.
You are over-analyzing the relationship, and as we age we often become somewhat resistant to change. She is a little younger, and doesn't always analyze things as deeply as you may be doing. Things may not be going as good as she hoped, and she may have some mild postpartum issues she's working out. She may also be undergoing early menopause and her hormones just may be changing her moods a bit. If she is in her late 30's to early 40's.
The lack of communication may be due to the fact you do labor at your point; and may not give her a chance to speak freely and honestly. There may be an unintentional inclination to overreact to criticism, perhaps you cut her off at crucial moments when she is expressing her thoughts, and even some dismissal due to your arrogance from having more experience. When you can't get people to sit down to a civil conversation; there is often some kind of barrier that requires resolution. She just may not be the type into sharing her thoughts and feelings under pressure.
You can't make her feel as though she's undergoing an inquisition or cross-examination on a witness stand. All due to your own insecurities about where the marriage is going. Your anxieties may come across as too sharp or intimidating. So she clams up; or avoids deep discussion. She's afraid you're trying to ask for a divorce.
I may be stabbing in the dark here, but here's food for thought. Motherhood may have come before she was ready.
She may have wanted to focus on her career first. Pressure from you, because you wanted to be a father before you were too old; or her parents and in-laws, pressuring her for a grandchild. She just may be harboring some repressed resentment. She won't talk about it, because it just may be something you don't want to hear. She may even have found some things about you that she's not comfortable with.
All I can say is, lighten up. Be kind and supportive. Stop drilling for answers. Let her open up of her own free will.
If you're not doing anything wrong; then maybe your insecurities are getting the better of you, and you're just feeling guilty or paranoid for little or no reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): I like the answer about a team needing a leader, described beautifully that a husband isn't a leader because he is the man and therefore "in charge" but that actually husbands, at times, need to step up and take some of the responsibilities in the relationship and around the home. Your wife is probably reaching her breaking point. She is working at home after doing a days work, you have a 3 year old and working at home is probably killing her on the inside as she would rather be spending time as family. It is all well and good noticing that things aren't right, and pointing them out to her might feel like your trying to solve them - but changes are you're adding to her list of things to feel guilty about when actually she needs some support. Tell her that you don't care if she wants to change jobs, make her feel safe to make that kind of decisions if she needs to without any judgement. Have dinner ready for her when she comes home, tell her how proud you are of her accomplishments. There is a saying that escapes me - but it is about how in a relationship if what you're noticing are the issues, then that is what you will continue to notice and actually look for, whether you mean to or not. Look for the positives and it becomes easier to spot more each day. Life, and marriage especially, is not all plain sailing and happy times. There are times when one person needs to take more of the weight on their shoulders to help the other through, and you do it because you've made those vows to be there for each other. Whereas your wife has always coped in a busy house and with busy lives, everyone changes and right now she might be struggling with it all as pressures from all directions build up. Tell her you love her, plan time for all of you as a family to have time together ad arrange a date for the two of you to have some much needed time out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): Your post was ....how shall I say this...vague?What exactly do you mean ? Please give us examples. Is she controlling the money? Having emotional ups and downs and what exactly is she doing? Is she picking fights? Refusing to back down? Is she basically turning into a bitch and disrespecting you because certainly sounds like it from her being hot and cold, making you feel wrong for everything, and disregarding YOUR feelings. Look, I dont know how to say this...but how are you talking to her? Marriages go through different phases from lovery, dovery to treating partners as friends, even siblings, to romantic partners, even enemies. We go thru diff stages due to age, hormones, weight, kids, etc.I dont want to say MAN UP because its not that. But set boundaries. Women are very very emotional manipulative, were great at it, its like second nature. Dont take it so personally. But speak up. Even from your post I feel your hesitancy to even declare what is wrong about your marriage. Everyone goes thru this though so dont fret.Set boundaries, Show PHYSICAL hurt when she says something mean and dont back down. What a woman hates more is a man who withdraws but when she comes ask you what is wrong, be assertive. Say "Youve hurt my feelings". "Your tone is being disrespectful to me". "I feel unnoticed" "STOP" Say "NO". Dont enable her emotional abuse. If you keep allowing her treat you that way, I gaurantee she will keep treating you the same way. Have balls. We women are great at being emotionally manipulative and playing martyrs but its half assing only. The man who doesnt play that game and stands up for themselves gets our attention and respect.Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): Brown wolf is right you should listen to him.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (21 June 2016):
Hello justsit,
You kind of answered your own questions a bit.
"She took on a new role that has not gone as well as she had hoped."
These kind of things can add unwanted stress onto an already busy life as you say, and cause headaches in a relationship. All of us have a breaking point, where we just want all the craziness to STOP, just long enough to catch our breath.
What I see is a woman who has it under control for the most part. She is a marvel at handling house, work, and everyone in her life. Maybe this new role is throwing something at her she was not ready to deal with, on top of everything else.
"We were a team and now I feel like I am the caretaker merely there to ensure things tick over."
See here...Every team needs a leader. Are you the leader? Or are you there simple as you say "to tick things off"?
If you are just standing around as your wife goes nuts trying to handle everything, then....YES...she will become overwhelmed, stressed out, and angry. She will blame you, because guess what???? It is you.
She is looking for you to step up and take care of some the responsibilities, and take some off her list. You know what needs to be done, so do it.
"seismic shift in some sort of power balance"
Yes...That shift is...You are not stepping up, and she feels she has to do your job as a husband, and her job as wife, at the same time. VERY STRESSFUL.
Your wife is calling out for her husband to be the man of the house. To help her take the weight off. Make dinner plans, choirs, pick up things that she normally does. If she is not running around all the time, she will be more relaxed, and much more friendly.
A stressed out wife has two rules for her husband...Help me with the work.... If you not going to help...then get the F*CK out of my way you useless fool....Don't ask me what's wrong, don't ask me what's for dinner, and seriously don't me for sex. Get a clue!!! I am busting my ass, and you are worried about your feelings! What about how I feel???
Men see this as blow to their ego...and it should be. Want your ego back...then work your ass off to get it.
MAN UP...or your wife will do it for you.
Every team MUST have a leader.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (21 June 2016):
 On one level I find this a bit hard to answer because we dont have much concrete. So, as a follow-up I would start by asking you to give a concrete example of something that has changed, something that has led to you feeling this way, something that concretely, your wife is doing differently to how she would have done before that is making you feel this way? I get the impression she might be feeling the same or at least a similar way so, you say you have sat down with her to talk but have you done this in a more two-sided, open-ended, way? Talked about how she is feeling about things? I think this definately needs to happen to be honest. You need to make clear that you are not, at least initially, going to challenge and confront her but that you merely want to hear how she is feeling. Her disappointment at the course of this new role may be a factor, with all due respect it is ok for you to say "I would NEVER let anything (particularly money or work) come between us" but that is exceptionally judgmental and I can see right from the get-go your adopting a defensive posture which ok maybe understandable (you feel attacked therefore you defend) but it wont help. Try and open yourself up a bit and not be as defensive. I know that is easier said than done and its ok for me to say that and harder for you to do but what you need to do here is take the lead and get her to communicate her feelings and this wont happen if your on the defence. The only other thing I can think of is that maybe you need to make time and space for each other - maybe it hasnt been a problem before but maybe with the disappointment it has simply worn your wife down and its being taken out on you. Just because it wasnt a problem before doesnt mean it cant be now. Maybe you are worn down and that is making you over defensive. Either way, you have to consider this maybe a factor. My principle advice for the moment is to sit down and talk with your wife and find out how she is feeling but if you could reply with an example that would be great, good luck :)
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