A
male
age
51-59,
*nquisitor
writes:*OP's own title*I am a male, 44 years old. My wife is 41. We’ve been married for 15 years and have one 10 year-old daughter.For the last several years I’ve been unhappy with my wife’s appearance. In my opinion she needs to lose about 15-20kg of weight. She also dresses in an androgynous way that gives no hint of her femininity. We’ve talked about her weight and she agrees that something needs to be done. For the last 18 months both of us have been going to the gym, primarily for body building, and we both have a personal trainer. This is very expensive, but it shows a commitment on both of us to do something about our bodies. The problem is my wife doesn’t lose any weight. She’s happy with her strength and endurance gains, but does nothing for the weight side. She continues to pork out on carbs (bread, pasta, etc) and I just can’t understand why she doesn’t put 2 and 2 together, that if she is into a healthier lifestyle she should also eat better too. This, plus the way she dresses has been eating at me for a long time and I’ve slowly lost my attraction to her.Now comes the typical male story: I met a woman at work. Over the first 4 months we got friendly, and in the last 6 months we have been flirting constantly. She’s 37, single and looking. She knows I’m married. We’ve had a few lunches together, and one dinner at her place with a few other people. To make a long story short, for unrelated reasons I won’t get into right now, I quit that job and am moving overseas. My flirting with this woman was only starting to get a bit more direct in sexual tone. Nothing really ever happened between us, there were a few hugs and when I said the final goodbye to her yesterday we hugged and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She didn’t reciprocate.I now realize that during the flirting over the last few months, I’ve developed massive feelings for her. I feel like I’ve broken up with someone and my emotions are rather raw right now. I don’t know if this is a crush, infatuation, or an emotional affair. I don’t know if its possible to have a one-sided emotional affair. I don’t blame this woman I worked with. Although flirting may imply some interest, I think from the way she acted in general that she wasn’t going to go any further. There were times where something more could have happened, but nothing did. I really wanted to tell this woman how I felt about her. I was torn, on one side I wanted affirmation that there was some interest (ego), and on the other I didn’t want to come off as some sort of creep. There is a guy in the office that all the women groan about because he makes women very uncomfortable. I didn’t want to leave the office giving this woman I was attracted to some sort of excuse to compare me to this loser. So as much as I wanted to, I kept my mouth shut and didn’t tell her anything. Maybe she already knew from my behavior that I found her incredibly attractive. As a male, I found it more difficult to read her. I will forever wonder if she even remotely felt the same way.Now it’s the day after I’ve quit, and I cannot stop thinking about this woman. I’ve been researching online about my feelings and I somehow think that everything I find wonderful and attractive about this woman at work are exactly the things that are missing in my marriage.Obviously the easiest thing to do is to try to salvage the marriage. I don’t know if my wife really understands how unhappy I am. She never even had a boyfriend before meeting me. She is pretty clueless about relationships. She senses there is underlying anger in me right now. She hasn’t probed deeply yet, and I don’t really want to get into the problem right now as we are on holidays in another country and I don’t want to ruin the trip. Plus the fact that immediately upon our return I have to travel overseas by myself for 2 months and won’t be around to have discussions with her. So I’m hesitant to dump such a major problem on her and then let her stew over it for 2 months while I’m not there.If I was in counseling with my wife I would tell her that there is no passion or intimacy in our relationship. It hasn’t existed in a very long time. That is the real reason why we have not made love in months, and why I keep finding excuses to say no every time you ask. When it happens, our sex is usually 5 minutes or less, it’s not interesting and I find her pudgy body unappealing. I would tell her I think she is overweight, and the way she dresses makes her appear more as a man than a woman, and that I love femininity and women who know how to dress like a woman does. Also the fact that I really want more children, and that the decision she made to have her tubes tied has in fact now forced more issues onto my plate that I feel I am being compelled to deal with because I’m not getting any younger and if I really want more children then there’s really only one choice I have.Even if this woman I met at work was not really interested in me, man, she really turned me on. She was intelligent and knew how to accentuate her beauty by dressing so incredibly. I feel like I’ve known her forever, and that has never happened to me before, not even when I was courting my wife. If there are still single women like that out there, I seriously wonder if I shouldn’t cut my losses and move on and try to find one.Is there any hope for my marriage? Should I dump all this on her before I go away for 2 months, or tell her when I’m back? Is counseling the only solution? Or am I just a typical male prick for having preferences for body types and preferring a feminine form over an androgynous one?Please don’t just tell me to save the marriage. That’s an easy answer. I never see messages from people who have actually gone through the tough work. I would love to hear (either publicly or via private message) from others who have come across dire crossroads in their marriage. Tell me how you saved it and how much better it is now. Tell me that the passion you had when you first met is still there, and that it really is possible to keep that first spark alive or to get it back. Because right now, I feel the possibilities of me having this with my wife right now are about on par with winning the lottery. Help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Rotamarie  +, writes (5 November 2016):
DO NOT SAVE YOUR marriage! Yikes! I am the fat woman with the husband rejecting me! Once you cross that line of obesity you are done! I am a professional business owner, very smart, successful, hard working, speak several languages, support my family, donate to non profits, travel around the world, play musical instruments, own properties, amazing cook, great speaker, very friendly and compassionate.......and I AM FAT! I am a food addict...actually. Struggling for years to lose the weight. I am as we speak.....trying but it is hard to be in recovery and at peace with food.
I need to heal, get better and move on. My husband is fit and HATES or actually DETESTS FAT WOMEN! And here I am....at least 60 lbs overweight.
I do not like how he looks at me with discuss and no matter how loving and hard working I am......SO please!! End it now and find what you want. My husband won't leave me because I support him (Surprise!), but he needs to go. And he will......I want him to OWN up, MAN up and go! I do not blame him for not being attractive to me, but I hate that he is using me for my money. He does not touch me, haven't done so for over five years. I want a divorce. Will work on it. If you do not have the HOTS for your wife and feel lost, please leave. Not worth it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): all i can say is this: Thank God my husband loved me while I was fat. i knew he always wanted a 'thin" wife. but he never made me feel miserable, never made me feel uncomfortable and loved me .i tried a number of diets, went to gym, tried ty bo, did spinning, lost a bit then left gym, put on 17 kgs thereafter. but still he was faithful and still he stuck with me. i tried dieting again, exercising again and SLOWLY the kgs rolled off. i am now 16 kgs lighter. fit into a size 34/36 (depends on the cut), look fabulous (i think)and he is reaping the benefits. the sex is fantastic, the new "me" is just so greatful and i acknowledge that he put up with a fat wife for years. he was never ashamed of me, yes i know he wanted me to lose weight but never pressurised me. i tried not to be too sloppy and unkept and it is not like i did not try, i did. but just couldn't lose thase extra kgs. it took me a while but i appreciate him, love him more and relaise that through the bad days he was there and he was faithful. it would have been so easy for him to go after a slimmer woman but he had staying power.i know you are at a cross roads but if you taclke your wifes appearance and weight gain WITH LOVE and some compassion i am sure "something" will happen. yes you are coming across attractice women and you want that excitement, but please try. do not be ashamed of her, do not ignore her. i am sure she doesn't even know how to go about this change. sometimes we have all the tools but we just do not know how to use it. i now earn more than my husband, i drive a better vehicle. i am 16 kgs lighter and have a husband who loves me. what more can a girl ask for? it takes time but in the end it is worth it. i am not busting your 8alls for speaking whats on your mind and in your heart but please try to make her battle a poisitve one and try to help her along. i failed so many times in my attempt to lose weight, maybe it was my mindset, my bad habits but one day it all came together.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 May 2010):
 We marry for better or for worst but we have to be realistic we marry a certain person and if the person makes a drastic changed and we no longer find them attractive, its going to be hard for us to move forward in a relationship. We cannot force ourselves to be with someone we no longer find attractive or desire. If the person's presence starts to annoy and we feel we are just putting up with them because we don't have a choice, *OP* there is a choice and you can sit her down and have a serious conversation and tell her to please change because this present condition is starting to ruin the marriage. Gently tell her what it is that bothers you and if you can make her see your point with out hurting or degrading her she might see it and will have the urge to make a change. Don't give up so easy don't cheat give your wife a chance. If at the end you see that no efforts have been made than I personally will not judge you because it takes two to make a marriage work and as long as you do your part as to being supportive complimenting her on her effort and giving your marriage an opportunity to survive, she must meet you half ways and try to make a change and if she doesn't maybe it would be best to part ways.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Don't focus too much on the weight, focus on the mismatched efforts being put in between you and her.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (1 May 2010):
 Most of this is good advice.
I think it all is.
However, instead of saying, lose weight to turn me on or whatever, it is better to come at it from the health angle.
Talk about how as you age 20-30 kg become ever so stressful on the heart. We need to work together to stay healthy. I noticed you gained a lot of weight and I really don't want you to die before me, or me die before you. I want us to live a long and healthy life together and die on our own terms when we are ready. This weight is going to prevent it from happening.
Then if she says, "you are silly"
Say, "Well, I know our bodies change and we lose attraction as time moves on. However, you are prematurely reaching that point. I stay healthy and fit for you, stay healthy and fit for me, if you won't do it for yourself.
Then if she gets offended, doesn't respond well, and is illogical about it, refusing to change. End the relationship.
I am a huge romantic that only wants to love a woman and rain endless amounts of affection on her. That is all I want to do, and I would tell my wife that.
If you married an athletic woman that cared about her health, then she turns around and gains a crap load of weight without a medical reason, she lied to you.
Lies are not good to live.
You loved the healthy personality, not the slovenly unkempt individual.
Same goes for you. If you are fat now, get your butt into that gym like you have been doing, and lose that weight.
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A
male
reader, inquisitor +, writes (1 May 2010):
inquisitor is verified as being by the original poster of the question"I am that beautiful lady trapped in a changing body going through what she is...it won't be the end of the world if you leave..."
At least I'm willing to admit there is a problem and try to seek some way to address it. I chose to speak openly and honestly about how I felt. You may not agree with me, but I'm not hiding anything. And sorry, but if you were my wife and gave me an answer like that, I would definitely dump you in a heartbeat. Take-it-or-leave-it ultimatums don't work in relationships.
I don't find your comments helpful at all. I suppose you chose to stay anonymous so I couldn't give you the rating your comment deserves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): I am that beautiful lady trapped in a changing body going through what she is...it won't be the end of the world if you leave...
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A
female
reader, colliejoan +, writes (30 April 2010):
I don't think anyone should beat this guy up. And you can't tell someone to just STOP thinking about something. That's not possible.
I know that when my ex gained some weight I truly didn't even notice....I loved him that much. But if he would have gotten obese and mushy I wouldn't have wanted him to snuggle up to me....it's a fact of life. I've gained weight and I know that I don't even want to THINK about dating anyone until I lose it, because I want to find someone who values his health. If someone values their health, they're sure as heck going to find someone else who values their health as well.
It sounds like you're mad. You're mad at your wife becoming unattractive to you....leading you to look at this other woman. I think that's fair. But you've GOT to tell her.
Maybe give her some incentive if she loses weight in the two months you're gone.....new wardrobe, trip, etc. I would not go to indepth about how you're struggling with this before you leave, but I would ask her to make more of an effort to turn you on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): First, stop thinking about the other women. This will only lead to trouble. You made a vow for better or for worst which includes health issues like weight. As everyone else is saying communication is the key but telling your wife is hefty is not the best way to be open and honest. Instead, have you and your go on a diet. Its always better to do things like that in pairs. Tell her you are worried about yours and hers health.
Second, about her not dressing sexy...Take her shopping. Take her to a sexy shop to buy something for her to wear just for the two of you. buy some toys to for you and her to enjoy. If not show up one day with a sexy thing for her to wear. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): I was wondering ,how do you look? Do you look like Brad Pitt? If not, than you can't have Angelina with you.Because people are pretty close to measure up their look... So I wonder ,what would you do ,if cancer would make her look like crap? Would you throw her out? Just don't believe it is love.If you dont love her, leave her. Please! But don't think you are very kind to her not to let her go...I think, body changes can't determine the way you feel. My best friend looks like a hot movie star, and her husband dumped her for a fat lady. So you never know. But you don't seem to be a nice guy, and I hope, you will not hurt her too much.. Take care of her please!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): I am not going to tell you something that is very politically correct but just how I feel. For years I have put up with my wife being very overweight. I tried everything to get her to lose weight and nothing worked. I bought her a bike, I bought her exercise equipment, gym memberships. I got so sick of her lack of motivation and so unhappy and sexually disatisfied that I finally told that if she didn't make a sincere effort to lose the weight that I was leaving and I wasn't coming back. This finally worked but believe me there are some serious drawbacks to this approach. You should know that I was serious about leaving her. Sure people can call me shallow. There is no excuse, barring disease, for any woman or man to get fat. Even after having a baby a woman can still get fit again it's just not easy. I'm sick of the pc attitude and idealistic philosophy being thrown up in the media. If a woman is fat her man does not find her attractive it's that simple. He can still love her but he doesn't want to have sex with her. That's just the way it is. If you take my approach use extreme caution.
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A
female
reader, princessofGod43 +, writes (29 April 2010):
 i will tell you first off that this is common when being married for a very long time. i will also tell you that the danger is that you will lose a good person and only find a nice body no substance...however when you made your vows i pretty much can bet you meant them...to God and your wife..but if you can so easily walk away when your marriage is going through the worse that is in your vows then you hope of finding happily ever after will flee you constanly...believe me this happened to me my husband left because i gained some pounds...but what was bothering him was also bothering me...not the weight but our lives...losing interest is on both of you guys part...she is also missing something ...to let herself go...also as a women ages we crave bread and carbs...like crazy...needless to say my husband left ..had an affair...went through a crazy romance...came home left again and got the woman pregnant and he married her...but is unhappy and i won't take him back...i've sinced lost the weight look fabulous and have a great career and am waiting for God to send someone...and that is the thing God is the only one who can give you something lasting...will i ever take my ex back...i really don't know but he is still married so i don't have to make that decision right now...only God knows...but the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence ...you can have what you desire from the woman you have right now...people will tell you who are married that marriage goes in cycles...what will you do when the next relationship fails..go home? If you talk to your wife...not about her weight but first about how she feels in your relationship right now...without kids around away from the house maybe on a date...and get to some root causes...you will discover what my ex would have found out...that I didn't feel loved by him...his wooing me ended after the marriage and i no longer felt desired by him..if you put honey in you get honey out...if you put vinager in you get vinager out...if you want change don't criticize or try to change her because she will rebel even if she wants to change...I did..if i knew my husband had all bad things to say about my weight i didn't want what he wanted ...because disappointment or disapproval spells disaster...love spells change...tell your wife how you feel in a sensitive way...tell her that other women are starting to catch your eye because she is not taking the time to woo you anymore..and you want her and desire her only...and see what happens...don't say it how i said it ..it sounds a little cruel but you get my drift...i hope and pray if you are a christian because believe me a lot of men wish they just took the time to be honest in a non fighting moment and talked to their wives... God Bless you
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (29 April 2010):
Tell your wife how you feel
It is better for you to be honest than to hold things in.
You have one life and are bitter about it.
Most people are going to say, love transcends the physical. However, the truth is, the physical says a lot.
The massive weight gains of anyone due to something aside from illness are a sign of someone changing.
If they change for no real reason and simply get obese, then they are not the person you married.
Talk about it now.
again...
If you don't want to communicate then get out of the damn marriage.
You are not off the hook either. You have to talk to her.
She is immature and obviously unable to talk to you, so you be the mature one and talk to her.
If you two both want to be immature, then get a divorce.
Your problem can be solved by *communication*.
If she refuses to change, like my father, and continues to gain weight, then get a divorce to save yourself from the pain of seeing someone literally eat themselves to death.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (29 April 2010):
All you have to do is talk to her and let her know your feeling and how you are not attractive to her anymore. I will tell you by personal experience when I met my hubby he was a handsome and very attractive man, he use to take care of his appearance, he was always clean shaved and always looking fly. I was very very attractive to my hubby but little by little he change to a slob. He would no longer take time getting ready, we would go months with out shaving just giving his self a trim and I found that disgusting. He would not dress nice and than I notice his hygiene which was disappointing I found him smelly, I was not into him at.
I lost any interest in him physically, I was not attractive to him and lost any sexual interest in him. I distance myself from our marriage and our relationship seemed to be coming to an end.
I talked to my husband and told him what was going on and told him exactly how I felt and mention how I found divorce as the only option, but I can tell you I felt happy I discuss this with him because I notice a sudden change. He started taking care of himself and I liked his appearance again, along with with change in his look I also felt he was more confident. Our marriage suffer a lot because of the lack of interest and him not doing anything to change until we had a serious conversation. He change and my love grew back. Talk to your wife don't give up with out a fight. I really think you guys should go to counseling so that you can freely tell her whats going in your mind and in heart, but don't give up on your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): Communication is the key talk about it after you leave for 2 months it would give you time to think about what your gonna say and Open up to your wife tell her everything you're feeling tell her you want her to change you want to have more kids Talk to her and I suggest Counseling it can really help and remember your 10 year old daughter... and don't cheat because with this other woman at your job sounds like you was one step away from CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE!!! Don't cheat if you feel like you don't want to be with your wife anymore get a divorce and then get with someone else but don't Cheat and you have to see it from her point of view do you know how miserable you're making your wife feel sounds like you don't love her at all she's 41 she's young and if you are not willing to be with her she will find someone that will love her as she is.... she sounds like she's trying she's atleast going to the gym if she's not eating right HELP her its not easy to lose weight! I wish you good luck and I hope you save your marriage!
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