A
female
age
51-59,
*22
writes:I've been with my husband for 12 year, married for 5. Although we once had very steamy sex and were completely in love and "in like", for me, the attraction is completely gone. It has been for probably 9 years. There's a lot of resentment on my part, because of his many broken promises on life's most important issues, like having a child. I have loved him throughout the years, thru the terrible fights and many break-ups (always initiated by me and devestating him) and it seems no matter what rotten thing he does, i love him deeply. he has never cheated, i'll give him that, but has done some dispicable things.....he has also shown great love at other times. when things are good, we laugh and laugh and i'm completely comfortable with him and him with me and he has never lost his attraction or desire for me. a couple of years ago, i ran into an ex-boyfriend from my college days. He had never treated me well when we were very young, but my attraction to him, back then, was fierce. I found that it still was and he still had the same towards me. we began seeing one another and having very intense, sexy, sexy, sexy sex. he had grown up, had become very successful, was divorced with 2 young kids and wanted me to divorce and marry him. eventually i got caught and i was devetated, embarraseed and ashamed. my husband was devestated, but i begged him to try and work it out with me.... i tried to tell myself that i'd learn to tolerate his touching me and maybe we could get our sex life back. i don't mind doing things to him.....i don't get any thing from it, but i don't mind and want to make him feel loved. but i cannot bear him touching me....i feel as if i'm being raped. my husband always believed that, if anyone would be faithful, it would be me. partly because i'm a decent person (or so i thought) and partly because i would never have sex with him anymore, causing him to believe that i was "weird" and "frigid". He seemed to have forgotten how much i had once loved it and how i had wanted it all the tim.... it was once great between us. once i truly lost my desire for him, i didn't even have desire for other men....i thought i could never be touched again, not if my life depended on it. i had believed that if my husband would just stop desiring me, but continue having deep love for me, we'd have a chance, but he always has wanted to touch me and be romantic about it.... i wont allow him to touch me with his fingers (between my legs), it's just too gross for me, but i will let him inside of me...i just lie there and pray that it ends soon and try to talk dirty to him while it's happening because it exictes him to the point that he "finishes"...quickly. i do it from time to time, just to keep the peace, but i am repulsed. he's an extremely handsome and intelligent man. my now ex- lover however, is a beautiful black man with an incredilbe body and a large, dark sex. although my husband is average (not small)it does nothing for me, the other odd thing is that, my lover was much bigger and we would have sex for hours on end before i would begin to get sore. 1 minute with my husband and i'm burning from the friction....my legs get charlie horses from my being so tense and i just can't wait for it to end. i feel that i'll never be attracted to another fair skinned man or a man who is not large. i need something much bigger now and am repulsed by the paleness and pinkness of my white men's penises. i love my husband deeply and he loves me and neither one of us can fathom life without the other. it's just that my thoughts are completely taken over with black male sex parts now (not sure what language i can use on this website). i feel terrible for what i've done to both of them and i ever thought i had it in me to behave this way. help me, even if it's not to give a solution but just to share your story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): to the female reader who said, "He says that my leaving him would make him a failure so I'm stuck in a relationship where I'm physically repulsed by him and feel trapped and unable to leave."I am in the same situation as you. This is awful. YOou need to do SOMETHING. Either leave him, or take steps to deal with and 'fix' the problems in your relationship so you can feel better about it. But don't continue to just stay on in this way while nothing changes, just because you feel trapped.Your husband is emotionally blackmailing you. It sounds like he could be clinically depressed, which is something he needs to deal with on his own, it is not your responsibility to ensure your spouse doesn't feel like a failure.He knows that by making you responsible for his emotional health, that you will stay out of obligation. That is emotional blackmail and it never leads to a good outcome in the long run. It leads to resentment increasing. Resentment destroys feelings of love and desire, probably why you feel so repulsed by him. This will in turn "cause" him to feel even worse about himself and hold you responsible for his increasing misery. If you stay with him and nothing changes and you continue to feel trapped in a relationship where you feel repulsed, the self-sacrificing act of "staying" will worsen the dynamic between you two and make him feel even more like a failure, is that what he wants??
A
male
reader, nitsnitz +, writes (1 August 2009):
You are very confused now. You are saying that you love both of them but for different reason. I will suggest you to leave that black guy and take a herf=http://www.marriage-counselors.net/Christian marriage counseling/a. Faith based counseling is very effective for infidelity issues because people learn how to forgive their spouse. It is based on the God's principles and that make people to thin from god's perceptive. So it becomes easy to forgive.
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/
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A
female
reader, C22 +, writes (2 March 2009):
C22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy current situation has not changed....
i go weeks without seeing the other man and, during that time, tell myself that i'll stay away and work on my marriage because i do love my husband so much, but ther eis just NO passion on my side towards him.
it's terrible.
i know exactly how you feel when you say you want sex over with asap and feel violated.....believe me, sometimes it's so horrific, i begin to cry, but he doesn't notice....there are no tears, it's that tearless cry, if you know what i mean.
you know, it's not as if i'm a sex maniac....i'm not.
i don't want sex with other men, only THE other man....but i don't want to marry the other man, i actually really want to grow old with my husband.
i want my cake and eat it too and i would never accept that from a man.....i never saw myself as being so completely out of control, but here i am.
one writer commented on my posting saying that sex could be as addictive as meth and i agree with that 100% and thank them for that comment.
you aren't crazy...i don't think that you are.
tell me, what is it about your husband that turns you off to sex with him...was it always that way, because for me, i was once completely in love with my husband, but broken promises and terrible things that he said to me over the years, completey shut me down to being attracted to him, though the love has never gone away and i recongize his good qulaities.
please tell me.....
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A
female
reader, marie38 +, writes (28 February 2009):
Can you tell me the current status of your situation... I am going through the EXACT same thing except I am not cheating... I love my husband to death, he's georgeous, smart, sexy... but I cannot stand having sex with him. I just want it over with fast everytime. I feel violated and it makes me want to cry.
I have no idea if I am crazy or it's normal???? Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Ladies - OK so my wife had an affair. She says I'm very attractive, says I'm bigger down there than the "other" man. She said I'm also smarter that "other". We had a fairy tale romance and wedding and been married for 9+ yrs. I was devistated to find out about her affair. It was with a coworker. I wanted to find out how this could happen so I went about to save my marriage. you see, we don't "plan" to fall into or out of love... it just 'happens' right?Well, what I've found out has really helped my wife and I heal and perhaps it will help you and your husbands. Here is where I'd recommend you start if you want to be a good lover, spouse, friend to ANYONE either to your existing spouse or your new lover. www.marriagebuilders.comand www.marriagemax.comI purchased all of the audio series from both sites and sat through HOURS and HOURS of information and training. It was a HUGE eye opener for both me and my wife.I really like marriagebuilders... You go through and determine what you need to truly be happy/joyful in your life and how you can have an AMAZING sexual relationship with your spouse.My wife had no idea what her emotions were doing to me and I had no idea what my emotions were doing to her. We had baggage that builds up over the years.... i.e. stupid fights about a towel laying around years ago and then from then on she felt I had to have everything my way, etc. I thought she wasn't very emotional and didn't like to share with me because I'd ask her about her hopes and dreams and she'd never have an answer.... the truth was that she felt that I was going to judge her dreams as trivial, etc... I try really hard at everything I do... most people think its great... but too much ambition can be bad too!I've always been a man that gets along great with women. My wife has always been a woman that gets along great with men. What had happened was "marriage". Marriage is a great and wonderful thing. However, if we don't nurture it, it'll stop growing and then become stale, brittle, hard, even cold. That is what I believe happened to each of you and that is why sex becomes painful.... Once you had your 'lover', you keep thinking of how great your lover was... I'd venture to guess that your lover really wasn't perfect... in fact, I'd suggest he might only be human... and I believe that if you lived for an extended time with him... you'd grow tired of him as well... why?It has to do with something called "the love bank". Its just a way to describe what happens in a committed relationship like - marriage. In marriage, you talk about the bills, the laundry, the oil change for the cars, etc. all of the stuff you'd talk about with your 'roomate' or 'friend'. Fights or even minor arguments about these mundane things can add up over time... slowly... without you really noticing it....Then, your spouse stops putting deposits in your love bank... you in-turn stop putting them in his... this escalates until you are emotionally bankrupt.... then, along comes 'mr. right' or 'right now' and he seems to be sooo refreshing! Making love to him is MINDBLOWING! In part because of the 'risky' and 'naughty' nature of this type of relationship (affair) but also because you don't have any baggage yet... you are free to be the SEXUAL VIXEN you've always wanted to be... you are TOTALLY turned on and thus... you are wet... very, very, wet... and you can make love for HOURS!!! Well, this then is irrisistable! So, while you try to stop... you can't... and the more times you can't refuse... the harder it is to refuse... and the relationship just keeps escalating.... UNTIL...Well, there is that "other" man... and he wants to eventually have a 'real' relationship... he wants you to himself... he wants to be - married to you....Well, 50% of 1st marriages fail... why? like I stated above... eventual leaks in the love banks leading to emotional bankruptcy.... WELL, here is the kicker... 70% of 2nd marriages FAIL!!! It gets progressively worse? Why? because you never learned what happened... worse yet... if you are in a 2nd and you figure out that this happens... you may then long for your 1st spouse that you no longer can have!!! Again, the forbidden fruit!What's a girl to do? What's a husband to do? We all want amazing sex AND a loving marriage.Well, I don't know exactly what to do... but here is what I'm doing... I'm praying that God will shine a light on our marriage and help us to see the pattern before it is too late and we totally regret it.I'm also praying that my wife's guilt doesn't consume her.. you see guilt can manifest itself in various ways... also causing you to not to feel the "passion" you once felt for your man....Also, you ARE addicted you your lover.. literally! Its just like Meth... there is a chemical that the brain produces at the start of a relationship and that is what you are addicted to... the thing is... you CAN have this same feeling for your husband... I'm not kidding! You'll have to listen to the audios... you'll need to work through the walls you and your spouse took years to build and break them down... the good news is that it is much easier once you know what is actually going on with your emotions to correct the situation...Also, I recommend that you go see a Christian Counsellor....I totally recommend it... the reason is that a lack of faith in God is also core to marriages falling apart... the reason I say this is that I had lost faith somewhat... I was trying to make some career changes and got so focused on that... i thought i was trusting that God would fix everything... but the truth was that deep down I felt I had to have everything on my timing... i was pushing and impatient with my career... that led my wife to feel like she wasn't as important to me as she once once... we weren't talking like we used to... she really needs communication to feel loved... she was talking to a male coworker... he would listen... they would laugh... they built a connection... meanwhile, i was the stressed out over worked hubby that was just trying to do something good for our family's future... not realizing i was neglecting them in the present... they had an emotional affair because he was fulfilling her need for communication and that filled her love bank... the love bank our walls had been starting to drain... she still deeply loved me but the 'romantic' feeling... was waining.... well, on a company trip they had a few drinks, were talking, one thing led to another, they had sex... he did things that i hadn't done to her... by the way... they were things I didnt' do to her because she TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T like it when i would try to do those things... how messed up is that? Well, she did like those things! they felt GREAT!!! however, she didn't let me do them to her... why? same reason you stated above that you didn't want your hubby to touch you.... it was the lack of love credits in the LOVE BANK!I know that some of this may sound over the top... and i'm not normally a bible banger or talk about lovey crap... when I really just want great SEX!!! But the truth is... God wants us to have AMAZING sex... with our spouses in a committed relationship... we just need to educate ourselves on how to do it!Imagine if your spouse that you love and can't imagine living without... was ALSO your lover!!! now for another great website for your hubby to listen to!http://www.myintimatemarriage.comI have faith that God can not only restore your marriage but also make it better than it ever was and better than it ever could be with your 'lover'.I also suggest that you read this http://www.womensinfidelity.com/ The author had an affair and also wanted to study why so many woman felt the same way, etc. It is eye opening... and thought provoking... it helped me understand what might have been going on in my wife's head...You see, i think you stopped the affair from a sexual and are trying to stop from an emotional perspective but that you can't seem to let go of your ex-lover completely... and it causes you to be dry, have poor sex, etc. which then leads to more resentment to your hubby, etc. which is self perpetuating, etc. I think if you can read some of these stories, they might help you realize a new perspective.... which in turn might help you to let go of some of the pain you have deep down inside.... what do you think?anyhow, my wife is wonderful.. I lover her dearly! I've chosen to forgive her... we have been having some of the best sex we've had in years!!!Now, it's definitely not perfect and I dare say it may not be as good as it was with her lover.... but it is better than we had... and right now, the affair is still too fresh in both our minds for us to completely let ourselves go and really be free from all the guilt/shame for her... and severe lack of confidence that i now find i have... However, time heals all wounds and I believe God is powerfully working on our marriage and is making us stronger than we've ever been! She truly calls me and emails all the time... she can't wait to be with me and I do the same for her.... I now understand how important communication and affection are to her... and she understands how important sexual fulfilment are to me... which is weird to say since it at first seemed that she didn't feel sexually fulfilled.... and she wasn't with our marriage which is what led to the affair.... however, her sexual fulfillment was a symptom of lack of the love bank that i needed to fulfill first before she feels sexually open and can receive great sex! I just felt my love bank was empty because she never seemed to want sex even before the affair... Now, since I've been meeting her needs to fill her love bank... and she's been filling my love bank... WOW! We are on track for the best sex we've each ever had!I'm still working through the images of her and mr. "other" doing it at various hotels, homes, cars, etc. or where ever they did it, etc. which is hard to work through, and for a while I was depressed.... but after starting to read these sites and listen to the audios.... We both understand each other MUCH MUCH better!I think that if you can afford it... just pay the $78 bucks for the complete set and get started... if not for your current marriage... then listen to it for your next! You owe it to yourself to find happiness and I don't believe it is in another man... I believe it is within you... otherwise, you wouldn't feel the guilt.God bless each of you! Know that God forgives us all through his Son.
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reader, C22 +, writes (3 February 2009):
C22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm glad this is helping people in the same situation....my god, i never knew there were so many of us.
it's awful, isn't it?
ugggh!
worst thing i've ever been through.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Reading these messages has been so helpful
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): I'm also in the same situation. I love my husband and think he's gorgeous but when we have any sexual contact I cry and just can't believe how hideous it is.
I am 'in love' with someone else and although I've tried so hard to rebuild the relationship with my husband it's very difficult to get over the feeling of being in love, attracted to and sexually compatable with someone else. It makes you realise the flaws in your relationship.
I'm staying with my husband - not because I particularly want to but because I feel too guilty to leave. He says that my leaving him would make him a failure so I'm stuck in a relationship where I'm physically repulsed by him and feel trapped and unable to leave.
What makes things worse is my married lover has left his wife to make himself available to me and I feel unable to follow my heart and be with him.
Our situation sounds very similar, resentment has built up over many years. You start to dislike them and just feel disdain towards them. In my situation, I only started to love him again after telling him about my other man - oddly he put in so much effort then to save the relationship.
Looking from the outside in it's very easy to say that love without lust is friendship and you should leave, it's ifinitely more difficult when you're in that situation yourself.
Good luck
x
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female
reader, C22 +, writes (20 January 2009):
C22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncan you share with me what you're going thru??
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female
reader, shjones97 +, writes (20 January 2009):
I am currently going through the same thing right now, I hope all works out for you thanks for asking your question. It is hard 2 be with someone physically when your heart is somewhere else! Your question is exactly what I feel......
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female
reader, C22 +, writes (19 January 2009):
C22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everone who responded and didn't lambaste me for the way i've been living my life.i'm not one to cry, but there are times when i feel like my insides are shattering from the guilt that i feel.i've been dealing with this practically by myself for almonst 3 years now.yes, i confide in friends, but only to a degree because i don't want them to think i'm a horrible person.i googled "not attracted to my husband anymore" and this website came up.i've never been part of a forum and i'm amazed that i was able to spill my guts anonomously and find all of these gentle replies a few hours later.thanks to all of you.what i'm doing isn't fair to him......somebody did comment that i shouldn't stay with a repulsive man.....he's not at all repulsive, it's just t hat all of the resentment that has built up over the years seems to have turned me off to him.i love him and find him very handsome.he always looks me deepin my eyes and says "when will you come back to me. I want my baby back"i will always be his number 1 supporter, his best friend and i wonder if these aren't the thi ngs that i should consider, rather than who turns me on.attraction does fade and i could never have the close intense frienship with my ex-lover that i have with my husband.i'm just such a mess over all of this.i admire the woman who broke off her engagement after 7 years.you're stronger than i am.thanks again.
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reader, Dani28  +, writes (19 January 2009):
i know what ur going through, i did a similiar thing, i had an affair and live with the shame, guilt and fear of it coming out and ruinng my life and my husbands.
Message me if u would like to talk more
tc xx
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A
male
reader, mrflip +, writes (19 January 2009):
You should get a divorce right away. No offense, but your marriage sounds absolutely awful. Ending it now is the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Maybe you should divorce your husband. It doesn't sound like there is much worth saving hun. I understand your situation completely as I was there once with a fiancee, we were together for nearly 7 years, engaged for 3 because I kept putting the wedding off. I found that I wasn't attracted to him sexually anymore but I felt obligated to stay. Anyway, I ended up cheating on him with two different men, purely for the sexual attraction. The men I cheated on him with were perfect for my sexual needs, very well hung (like your guy), very very very well put together- muscular, big strong arms, gorgeous faces, etc. Anyway, after cheating on him for about 2 years, I realized that I couldn't have the romance and friendship with him and the sex with others. I needed to have both in one package- a friend, a romantic partner and a great lover. So I sucked it up and called off the engagement and ended it before we got married. That was about a year and half ago
I am much happier now, I am still single but have had a couple of fulfilling relationships with other men (one of them being one of the guys I cheated on him with), sexually and emotionally. I date around, meet lots of new people, keep my eye out for the handsome, sexy one who can make me feel comfortable. Meanwhile, it's lots of fun just testing the waters! Don't stay with a repulsive man, find yourself a man who you can't stop staring at, the kind of guy you try to discreetly check out when you're out with your hubby, a real head turner! If he makes you look twice, it's worth looking a third time! He may not be mister right but at least you know you have desire for him, and thats what's missing in your life.
Good luck
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