A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, I wrote recently about my situation and now I have another question pertaining to it. To summarize, I am dating a man whom I do not love but who is a fantastic guy, treats me great, etc. It's just not there. Now, I've fallen for someone else. I have never felt so strongly about someone. We click perfectly, can almost read each other's thoughts, have so much in common and are both really falling in love with each other. Here's the problem. He has a LOT of baggage and I mean like really seriously bad stuff (used to be an alcoholic, lost his kids to the courts because of it, has gone to jail for almost killing someone, wife drank herself to death. )He's totally cleaning up his life now though. Stopped drinking, is going back to school, and trying to get back on his feet so he can get his own place again (he's in a halfway house kind of place). He's also a lot older than I am, but that doesn't bother me since I tend to prefer older men. I really want to be with him and support him, but I am just wondering if his past will prove to be a problem. Has anyone else gone through something like this? Does someone's past really matter? Thank you for your responses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thank you guys for such thoughtful responses. You've all made really good points. The thing is that I am not doing anything to help him really besides giving him a friendship. He is already getting back on his feet himself. I am not sure if he thinks I can fix him, but he doesn't strike me as wanting anyone to lean on really. Perhaps I am wrong. I know for sure though that if that's all this is, then I am done. I have done that before and it ended badly. I know I can't stay with the guy I am with as sad as that makes me... It isn't just that I've lost the attraction is that it was never that strong to begin with and I am realizing now the amount of time I have thought about leaving him is not proportionate to the time I've spent wanting to stay. I really don't want to hurt him, but he deserves so much more than I can give. This new guy just fits my soul so well it's scary. We are trying to go very slowly and nothing is for sure yet, but it just feels like something is pushing us together and it's so hard to resist. Here's what I figure: no matter what happens in the future (I have no problem leaving if he turns into an a-hole or goes back to old habits), this really is the push I've needed. I kind of put my life on hold for the guy I am with and have been playing housewife, which is not good for me. If I go, I will have to work and have my own life and the new guy will have to stay on the track he is on or I'm not sticking around. I think it will be beneficial to us both and if it ends up being a bad situation, I will go because I will have the independence to do so more easily. Thanks again for your responses. Wish me luck!
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Nobody can go back into the past and change the history.
You are now living in the present and the future is what concerns us.
If you find the present is satisfactory , you should not be concerned about his past.
He is what he is today because of his past. People make mistakes and this are the lessons in life.
Somewhere along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize there should never be regrets,
only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you've made.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 March 2010):
This is a classic 'nice guy/bad boy' thing. Your nice guy boyfriend isn't exciting, but this guy who has all that baggage is a massively bad bet, especially if you want to try and help. Don't go with someone to help them. Because you can't. You can't change him, you can't help him, you can't make all that baggage go away. He has to find himself before he can make a good boyfriend. Don't try to mother him, because it won't work out. What will happen is you will give everything to this man and all he will do is take, whether he knows it or not. Let the nice guy go so he can find a woman who does love, but I really urge you NOT to get involved with this other man. Instead, take a good look at yourself and your own needs from life and what you want, and focus on that instead.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 You know he's going to have problems but you don't care. He's the opposite of your current boyfriend. Exciting, unpredictable, emotionally charged and that invokes passion in you. He will always be telling you his juicy stories. You might have a missionary complex, believing that your loving motherly nature would save him from his troubles. Therefore it feeds your energy. I have gone through something like this, but he was not as extreme. I went through a lot of headache, but the whole process enriched my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without that experience. He really showed me what real life is about. He understood what suffering is. I am over him long time ago but I couldn't say I regretted having relationship with him. People like that had to love themselves before they had a chance of a healty relationship. Most often, they are too scarred to let that happen.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): I wish I could say that a person's past did not matter, but we are all a sum of our experiences. Bad experiences do not make a bad person, though. Something to consider... do not become too involved if you think you can help. I tried this and all the love and support in the world will not help someone who is not forging their own path. I'm not saying "stay away", but my personal experinence was getting involved with a woman who had been abused, neglected and generally developed mistrust of men. Now your situation is not the same, but my point is that these experiences formed a person who did not end up responding to me, but rather to her past experiences. Relationships are not so simple as they seem... the person with whom you develop a relationship is a complex compilation of experiences. For instance, you may be trustworthy, but they may not be able to trust. You cannot change that. I'm not sure what to suggust other than some "pre-relationship" counseling. sounds dumb, but wouldn't it be good to have an idea if the person you are falling for has the capacity to be in the type of relationship you need? A counselor may be able to help.
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