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Losing him once made me realise how much I loved him. But how do I trust again and put the past behind me?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2007) 1 Answers - (Newest, 3 December 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *weetestAngel21 writes:

I have quite a complicated situation. It may sound trivial to begin with, but please offer me advice, as I am so confused.

I met a J about 18 months ago. I was in a relationship at the time, but it was not a healthy relationship at the time, and I did the wrong thing, and started dating J, whilst still in a relationship. This went on for about a 9 months, until J met someone else and I was trying to make my relationship work. However, we still saw each other occasionly, remained very close, and there was always something between us.

His relationship didn't last very long, and by last xmas mine was over. We then got very close, and basically had a very serious relationship, without ever actually having discussed being in a relationship. We spent every night together and got very close. Throughout this nine months I told him I did not want to comit again and did 'cheat' on him once, which I told him about. This was an awful thing to do, I know that now, but at the time I justified it by the fact Id told him I wasn't going to comit and we were not actually in a relationship. However, it wasn't right.

Anyway, we carried on, and by August I felt really close to him and told him that I thought I was falling in love with him. I knew I'd put him through a lot and never treated him right, but finally I felt ready to start properly. Everything seemed fine, then in September he told me he wanted a break, he wanted time away from me and to see other people. My heart felt shattered, I acted like a crazy person, I begged him to stay, I cried until I could cry no more. I looked completly stupid, from someone who prided herself on being independent and getting the better of men, I was a mess.

After about 3 weeks I decided I could handle it, and as it was only a break we decided we'd keep in touch. About a week later, we met up for a drink and he turned up with a love bite. (which I had done a long time before). However, it made me realise he was seeing and had possibly slept with other people.

So, although I was in pain and missed him like crazy, I decided I had to concentrate on me, and althought over the last 3 months we've still met up for drinks sometimes, I did some work on myself, and felt like me again, without a man. I learnt to define myself as me, which I hadn't done for a long time. I felt strong, I knew I loved him, but I knew I could live without him.

Then, I recently went away to a trip to Oxford, and did a lot of thinking. I decided, that I did love him, but I couldn't keep seeing him, because how would I ever move on. I decided to write to him and tell him that he either comited to me properly, that Id give him space but I wanted commitement, or we walked away completly.

I received a reply a few days later, saying he'd love to make a proper go of it, but with our own time. Which, seems great, and I was happy. We've spent some time together since, and we are happy together.

Yet, Now i'm just feeling so insecure, although over the last 18months I have treated him awfully, now I feel like the one person I trusted has hurt me, how can I trust anyone? And, I understand that he probably had to hurt me to me realise the error of my ways, but will I ever get over that? Will I ever trust him again?

I feel happy with the way things are, but Im scared to be happy. What if in 3 months time he decides he wants another break? I know that you have to take risks, but Im scared, I just want to be happy, I have the ideal situation but I now can't be happy.

And, while we were on the break, I know he 'saw' other girls, but I don't know how far it went. Do I ask him? Is it worse for me to wonder and contemplate but never actually know? Or should I find out what actually happened and possibly be hurt even more? And if he did sleep with someone else, will I be able to get over it? And why am I being so hypocritical, after I did it myself.

I just feel that looseing him made me realise how much I loved him, but now I have him back, now I know what I have, Im scared incase we create this amazing relationship and then I loose it? Throughout knowing and dating him, he always said he adored me, and we both knew he was more in love with me. But I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like Im hanging onto his every word, and I dont like it.

I know your probably thinking Ive got what I deserve, and I probably did. But what do I do now?

How do I just enjoy it and let go off all the crap in the past? Can I get over the thought of him with someone else? (he did for me)Do I trust him? Can we be happy?

There's just this part in my heart that knows he's the one.

View related questions: a break, insecure, move on, want to be happy

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A female reader, rubina United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2007):

rubina agony auntlisten whats good for the goose is good for the gander as they say . i sympathise with youre situation but only time will tell i have been with my boyfreind 6yrs and got fed up through lack of committment last yr and had a 3mth break but i met someone else had a ball and went back with neil because of our bond toghether a year later still no committment so we are on another break instigated by me as usual hes quite happy to continue usually i have discovered if one of u wants a break then that person is not completely happy i understand that with u youve both been unfaithful but now you cant trust him and feel insecure you are bound to i really dont know what to say as i am confused as you time will tell as they say you are only young dont worry but us women if we love someone we tend to revert to puppy dogs concentrate on other things work going out ect for a while and dont focus too much on youre boyfreind if he loves u he will committ rubina x

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