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Could we be prosecuted?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2007) 17 Answers - (Newest, 15 March 2008)
A female South Africa age 51-59, *andras writes:

I have been involved in a loving sexual relationship with my sister's eldest son for close on ten years now. We became intimately involved when he was seventeen years old, and I thirty-one. We have a beautiful nine-year old daughter together.

Our relationship is based on true love, is consensual, and we are very happy together. Considering the aforementioned, would our relationship be acceptable at large, or is there a chance we might be prosecuted.

S.S

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008):

youre having sex with your nephew-???????????

sorry but i just find that really wrong!!!!!!!!!!!1

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007):

I fail to understand what would make a grown woman, with two children, leave her husband to pursue a sexual relationship with her own sister's son. This is wrong.

To answer your questions, this kind of behaviour will never be accepted by society at large, and as previously pointed out in the other replies, the two of you could face some real legal issues.

This is incest, it is a sin, and goes against the grain of every family value we all treasure and try to uphold.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

I cannot judge you, Sandra, for what you and your nephew did takes a lot of courage. However, I would suggest that the two of you proceed with caution. Think very carefully before having another baby. The second one might not be as fortunate.

How did your daughters cope with your situation. Did they learn to accept their cousin as the new man in your life?

How does something like this start? Who makes the first move? Traditionally it is the male who would make the advances. Was this so in your case, or did you, as the grownup make the first move?

You are a very brave woman, and I admire you. Live your life to the fullest, and if that means with a blood relative, I would say, yes, go for.

Everything of the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

The prompt at the top of your post reads: "Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!"

You most certainly did just that. You're an aunt to a young boy you brought agony to!

Just think about it - at the age of 31, married with two children, you kick the father of your children out of your bed to make room for the sexual prowess their 17 year old nephew.

Unashamedly you have unprotected sexual intercourse with this child, get pregnant by him, and you bring another child into this world.

I wonder what his mother felt like, knowing that her son was being fucked by her own sister, his blood aunt. What must have your poor mother have been thinking. She must have wondered where she went wrong. Not one, but two misfits in her family.

And your poor daughters, having to put up with their nephew - someone they played with - not having any more time to play with them, because their mother's sexual needs has to be satisfied by this child.

Did this poor boy manage to satisfy you, a grown up woman, a mother who has already given birth to two children. I should think not.

And then, horror upon horrors, you discover one day you have missed a period, and very soon you start to show. Over the next couple of months your poor daughters have to watch in silence and horror as their mother's stomach swells with a baby implanted by their cousin, nothing but a mere child.

I am absolutely amazed that you have managed to keep your nephew at your side all these years. You say your daughter is nine years old, when are you going to tell her that her father should really have been her cousin.

Society will not accept this kind of behaviour. Your actions should be condemned in the strongest possible terms.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

The answer to your question is a simple one. Yes, you could be, and should be prosecuted, for having sexual relations with an underaged child. This is nothing short of child-molestation.

The two of you could face charges on incest. Sexual relations between closely related people are forbidden the world over.

As for your reference in your last post that you and your nephew are "a normal couple living together as husband and wife" is disturbing to say the least.

The two of you have already produced one child together, and it is good to see you feel obligated to raise her to the best of your ability.

But it is the very fabric of family values that are being threatened here. I can only imagine how disappointed your family must have been when you left your husband to have an affair with your sister's son.

Your sister must have been outraged that her son had his young taken away by a person so much older than himself, and then to burden him with a child at such a young age.

I shudder to think how your daughters must have felt.

What is the solution to your problem. It is quiet simple really. Revert back to accepted family behaviour. Ask your nephew to leave your house, and see if you can raise your daughter in some sort of decent manner.

I can only wish you well in your endeavours.

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A female reader, agony anuts rubby United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2007):

agony anuts rubby agony auntbefor i start iam not here to judge you.

but this is wrong in my eyes and the laws eyes.

adultery with each other is gulity of a class four felony.

you are committing incest which constitutes a felony of the thrid degree.

good luck all my best.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

I would suggest checking the incest laws where you live, though I doubt you will be persecuted. If you both love each other, that is all that matters. I am curious though, how was it that you became intimately involved with him when he was 17? What were the cirumstances that caused it to occur?

And how do your daughters feel about your relationship with your nephew? Do they accept it, or do they think it is weird?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

All this make very interesting reading.

Consider this: from you and your partner’s perspective, this baby girl could have been either’s niece.

From your baby girl’s perspective, her mother could have been her aunt, or her father could have been her cousin. Her sisters could have been her aunts, her grandmother (your sister) could have been her aunt, her other grandmother (your mother) could have been her great-grandmother.

From your two daughters’ perspective, their sister could have been their niece.

You just do not have sex with your blood relatives!

It’s the children, and I include the young man, that I feel sorry for.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

Your relationship with your nephew begs a response.

It is obvious that the two of you are in love and happy together. I believe one should always follow one’s heart, and it should not be any different for the two of you.

You say the two of you are morally obliged to raise your daughter, and I agree with you. However, there are some very interesting issues here affecting your whole family.

How did your two daughters, who, I presume were living with you at the time, feel like when their mother left their father to allow their young cousin to move into their father’s house, and not only their father’s house, but the very bed usually occupied by him. The same bed that they were most probably conceived in.

Did you feel any shame when you took that young boy into your bed the first time? I wonder how your daughter’s felt, knowing their cousin, whom they most probably used to play with, is locked up in their mother's bedroom, with their mother, and having sexual intercourse with her.

I can only imagine the humiliation they had to go through.

And then. One fine day, you had to tell them you were pregnant. Pregnant by their cousin, and that they are going to have a little baby sister. A baby sister fathered by their own cousin...

As a mother myself, I know the joy an expectant mother experiences, the happiness she feels at carry her baby.

Did you have the same feelings? Was there pride and joy at carrying your nephew’s baby?

Did you ever wonder what people would say if they knew the baby growing inside of you is a “forbidden” baby, a baby conceived through incest, because that is what this is, incest.

And how does the young man feel about all this. I would love to hear what he has to say.

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A female reader, sandras South Africa +, writes (6 December 2007):

sandras is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for the kind responses I've had to my post.

I can understand the concerns expressed by some of the people. Let me try to respond to some of the questions asked.

My sister's son grew up with her, I did not raise him. When we fell in love, it was not something either of us asked for. It just happened.

We are a normal couple living together as husband and wife. Obviously some of our family members, my two teenage daughters from my previous marriage - I divorced my husband to be with my nephew - my mother, two sisters and a brother know of our relationship.

My nephew and I have a nine year-old daughter we are raising together. The suggestion that we should break up does not make sense. We have a moral responsibility towards our daughter, besides, we've been together for nearly ten years now, and we are in love.

And for the suugestion that it is all just lust, all I can say is, the intimacy I have with my nephew is the greatest ever. I have never expierenced so much pleasure with another man before. But there is so much more than just sex involved here.

We are in love, that's all there is to it!

Sandra

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007):

I am confused by your definition of love. You loved your underage nephew so much that you wanted to risk bearing him a deformed or unhealthy child? You loved him so much that you wanted to deprive him of a healthy relationship with someone his age? You loved him so much that you wanted him to be ostracized by his community? Sounds like animal lust to me. Love seeks the greater good for the loved one. Lust just wants to F___.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007):

I don't think you will be prosecuted in a court of law. In most places around the world it is not prohibited for anyone to have sex before the age of 18, the age of consent is usually around 15-16 in most parts.

There is a great chance though that you will be prosecuted by your surroundings. For you to have children together is inbreeding, and since inbreeding isn't healthy, relationships in between close family members are not looked upon with kind eyes, and yes, sometimes illegal.

Also, to grow up and become an emotionally and sexually mature person, you need to have your free time when young, seeing and dating other people or just be on your own, to find out who you are and what you want from life. You have prevented your nephew from this when making him a father at 18. At your age at the time you should have understood this and cared about his future more than yours in this case.

I think you should end this relationship and let him look for someone who is not part of his birth family.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Dr. John United States +, writes (1 December 2007):

Dr. John agony auntBefore going off the deep end here and falling apart at what anyone says here, consult with someone who knows the law where you live, preferably a lawyer.

There are as many laws concerning these things as there are governments.

Because of the various cultural differences what may be acceptable in one country, state, province, etc. may be completely un-acceptable in another. Doc

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (1 December 2007):

Frank B Kermit agony auntYou need to see a lawyer. I know that where I am, siblings my not marry, and the "closest" relative one can marry is a cousin. I do not know about nephews.

There are two things at issue here. The fact he is your nephew, may or may not be a legal issue.

The other issue is that the boyw as a minor when you started the relationship, and pending how the law works where you are, you could be charged for something that happened 10 years ago.

Are you sure the child is his?

Those are your first concerns. The legal ones.

As for the social ones, I think you will have a hard time finding your circle around you being accepting of this. Does your family already know, or is it a secret yet?

-Frank B Kermit

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007):

You will definitely be procecuted, people will look down at you. I am not judging you, this situation is unsual and it is not really right. I personally think that it's wrong. I do undetstand that both of you are inlove and love is a powerful thing.Once you fall inlove, it is really hard to get out, that's why the term " fall inlove is used " its becasue when you have fallen, you just can't get up. Advise to you is that your situation is what it is already i,e you having an affair with your nephew, I would not go around telling anyone who he is to you nor should you expect people to understand both of you. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007):

"Sexual intercourse" is the penetration of the female sex organ by the male sex organ, however slight; emission of semen is not required.

Persons who are eighteen or more years of age and are within the degrees of consanguinity within which marriages are declared by law to be incestuous and void, who knowingly intermarry with each other, or who knowingly commit fornication or adultery with each other are guilty of a class 4 felony.

Whoever knowingly marries or has sexual intercourse with a person to whom he or she is related by lineal consanguinity, or a brother, sister, uncle, aunt, nephew, or niece, commits incest, which constitutes a felony of the third degree.

And you had a child with this boy?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007):

So you are having a relationship with your nephew???? Did you help change his diapers and become attracted to him??? How does your sister feel about being a grandmother/aunt??? This is definetly not acceptable where I am from. I doubt whether or not you would be persecuted because it is consensual it depends on what your laws are in your country. How do you explain this to your child? I am just baffled how this could ever happen...I hate to judge, but this is just wrong....

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