A
female
age
30-35,
*eghanBland
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and he lived in Ireland but recently moved into my family home in England so we could save up for a mortgage. He has started working in a job that pays minimum wage and can't find anything else. I find myself comparing his earnings to what my ex earned and it is making me doubt if I want to stay in this relationship. He doesn't have many friends in England and I find that I feel bad if I go out with my friends and leave him in alone. I am confused whether I am doubting the relationship due to money worries or because we are with each other all the time and don't get much spare time where as we were used to only seeing ever second weekend. It's hard to say we will have a break because he would have nowhere to go live apart from Ireland and would loose his job here.
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a break, money, moved in, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (1 February 2014):
 I think your doubts are less about his earning potential and more about your feelings for him.
If you truly loved him you would just be thrilled that he had managed to secure a job, in the harsh employment climate in our country at the moment, and proud of him for being truly committed to your future together.
You're not however, you are comparing his salary with that of your ex and trying to decide if you still love him.
I'll tell you this, if you have to ask the question "Do I love you?" then you don't!
If you loved him you would just wake up each day with a huge grin on your face, excited about your future and complete because he's finally with you.
This happens so often with on-line relationships, even with those who are totally honest with each other. The reality of living with that person is totally different to meeting regularly on-line.
Your boyfriend does have somewhere to go, back to his family in Ireland, who no doubt love him and miss him. He gave everything up once (for you) I'm sure he can do it again.
Yes he'll be very hurt but better that he knows now than when he's committed to a mortgage with you.
I hope this helps ABx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): I completely disagree with a notion that what he earns is not of your concern. Of course it is. When 2 people are planning getting a mortgage together it's every oldies concern. Also he lives in your family home, what do you mean? He lives with you and your parents? With that said, you sound like there is no love in the air. When I met my husband he had no job at all I was couple years younger than you. I saw other qualities as him being intelligent, smart, thoughtful and a good lover. I wanted to spend all my time with him. You sound like you don't want to be around him that much. And why can't you guys go together with your friends. Of course he has none, it's a new country for him. You just leave him at home?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): This post serves as confirmation to my advice warning people about uprooting their lives to pursue long-distance relationships that could end as this one has.
They could end up homeless,displaced, and unemployed.
You're comparing his earning potential to your ex? How considerate and supportive of you. It's the least you could do to have second thoughts after the fact. To turn on him once you realize things might not be so cozy.
You are not by any means unsure if you're doubting the relationship due to money. IT IS the reason.
As cold as it might seem, I have to admit that it is a good reason. Money problems will be a serious strain on the both of you as a couple. He needed to get himself financially rooted and established before committing to a relationship.
He should be out on his own, networking and making friends.
This leads to better jobs, independence, and creating his own support-system.
He should have lived on his own, until he got his employment situation stabilized. The first year or so is a struggle; and trying to conduct a committed relationship would only be complicated by all the rocky adjustments.
Be honest and send him back to Ireland, where he belongs.
At least he has family and friends there waiting for him.
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