A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year has been on vacation for a month in another country ( visiting family). I went for ten days but now I've been home for 11 days and he has called me just once. I sent a two messages on FB and he did reply both times but very briefly. Said he "missed me" but there was nothing more than that one line. He comes back next week. Last night i saw he was online and then once i was on he logged off. I don't want to be clingy but I'm feeling upset he hasn't made more of an effort to communicate when he clearly has internet. Should I say something or just try to play it cool? Or just take it as a sign that he's just not that into me right now? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): See ladies! It's isn't always because we guys don't care or losing interest. I'm glad you did still tell him he could have contacted you more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is due back next week. Shortly after I posted this, he sent me a long message on FB (on Tuesday) - saying he didn't have wifi or long distance at the beach he went to - saying he missed me and would have had more fun if I were there. I didn't answer on Tuesday .. (even though i know hotels at this beach have wifi access if you want it)The next day, Wednesday, he called me and said "hey , why didn't you answer me on FB" . I said I was busy ,and he said "are you mad that I haven't called?" and I said "not mad, but not happy. 9 days is a bit much".I have been going out a lot and keeping myself busy. He did pass a comment about that. The next day - he sent me another FB message.I've noticed a pattern over the year - he can be selfish, does what he wants, and only reacts and behaves "properly" when he thinks I'm mad and I pull away.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 January 2014):
 When is he due back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): That sounds suspect to me, I wouldn't like it either if my boyfriend did that. Just cause he is out of town doesn't mean, if he loves you, he wouldn't be thinking of you all the time. Anytime you notice a change in a lover's behavior you should always raise a brow. He might be having fun and doesn't feel like talking..taking you a little for granted. If I were you I would play a little hard to get. Do what he is doing. Don't contact him and if he writes, be short right back with him. In the meantime go have fun. You don't know what he is doing in another country and it doesn't sound like he is got you on his mind all that much. So flip the script. Stay busy and distracted, make him wonder about you and your whereabouts. Don't just sit around counting down the days till his return. Once you become more elusive and less clingy he is going to wonder about you and miss you more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): I've read a lot of posts from women when their boyfriends go on vacation alone. The theme is almost always the same, and I might add so are the responses to the OP's concerns.
Every situation is different; as are the characters in each story. However; the theme never changes. I've seen the females perspective on this, and agree. Now let's see it from a male's point of view.
It's always, he could be cheating, he doesn't care about you, he's irresponsible, he should be contacting you more, on and on.
What I am about to say doesn't necessarily refer to you OP.
You are just missing your guy, and I recommend that you call him. If it bothers you he doesn't call enough, find out why. Don't sit making up things in your mind. Get the truth.
However; take a moment and think. It is sometimes important that we look at things from different perspectives. Not always presuming there is a negative reason why people do things. Sometimes we have to walk in another person's shoes in order to be more understanding and flexible. To be more empathetic, and it may make us more aware of our own strengths and weaknesses. Even resolve some problems between couples that just can't seem to be settled.
Sometimes it's best to lay it out and make people think, and stop always pandering to insecurity and always making men look like cold,selfish, and unfeeling creatures. I do tire of this portrayal; and it is often the case. Not always. I'm not going to dismiss irresponsibility or insensitivity. Nor am I going to justify cheating and taking women for granted. So don't anyone get that crap in your head.
Sometimes people need to just get away from other people.
These days, there is a lot of uncertainty; and people don't cope and deal with adversity and loneliness without a lot of anxiety.
People seek relationships to cure loneliness;and to find someone they can lean on to make them feel safe. They bring nothing to a relationship but their weaknesses and insecurities. They don't compliment others, they depend on others to makeup for their own shortcomings. They are selfish, because they feel they deserve someone to accept them, faults and all. Like it, or not. Take it,or leave it.
There are a lot of people who don't handle being alone very well; and must have someone to smother and cling to; or they will simply go out of their minds.
They never actually contribute much themselves. They pile all their troubles, sorrows, and insecurities on their mate. He tries to fix all her problems, reassure her, protect her from things that scare her, and he fights all her battles. He listens to her when she is upset, and deals with the nagging and arguments. He listens to her criticism and reads the disappointment in her eyes when he fails.
When vacation time comes along, he is glad to be away from you for awhile. He can breath. He doesn't feel like talking to you, he wants to talk to his family and be the center of their attention. He has been isolated from his kin, and they are giving him love and attention; and not demanding anything from him but love in return.
He is re-energizing, and he wanted to leave everything behind that reminds him of his troubles. He wants to purge himself of responsibilities; and that includes the weight of carrying a relationship. As ugly and bad as it may sound, men do tire of the whining, arguing, and conflict of relationships. All the heavy emotion.
If a relationship is full of joy, with a stronger woman, this isn't the case. Men in relationships with women who are strong and independent, aren't as eager to distance themselves; because the freedom is built-in. There is mutual trust, in good supply.
They don't feel smothered or cornered, they feel they have a mate who carries half the load. In fact, he feels even stronger; because he knows they are a team and having her around makes him feel invincible. They function as one, and can function alone.
Ever notice those military wives, how they run homes and handle their kids all alone. They are like soldiers themselves. They handle the household budget, they have jobs, and they function like nothing is missing in their lives. They know that he is counting on her strength. It is what will bring him back hopefully in one piece. She knows she has to be both a man and woman, and her kids see nothing but love and strength. You have the lady who takes no nonsense and she lets all men know, I'll survive with or without you. You wonder how she keeps men wrapped around her little finger. She knows her own strength and potential.
Men are an option, not a necessity in her life. Single mothers raise kids single-handedly. Boys and girls, and they are strong. Their dads are missing, but she has a her own strength to depend on.
Back to you OP.
No, it doesn't mean he is losing interest or cheating. It means he had to come up for air. He needed a retreat. Some guys get to go to Vegas, or on fishing trips. They go hiking or do things guys like to do that give them time alone to think. No phones, no calls from work, no noise, no screaming kids, no yelling about towels on the bathroom floor, no talks about feelings. He just wants to hear people laughing; and feel like he is appreciated for doing nothing. Not just around to be zapped of all his strength.
He has to charge his batteries. He is tired of living attached to his phone. Vacation is living carefree.
I respect all answers because they come from the heart, experience, and very intelligent minds. Sometimes, the guy is not a villain. He is just a guy. He has to get away in order that he doesn't go crazy, or say the wrong things out of frustration. He has to be seen as a pillar of strength even when he hasn't a clue about what to do. He can't seem to do anything right in her eyes. He can't seem to do enough to prove anything, and he is suspected of things that he didn't do. So he takes a break from YOU!
If he goes away for a few days and you are not on his mind;
it's not because he doesn't love you. Maybe because he has to clear his head; so he can see you through new eyes. To see what it is that you see in him that isn't right.He has to remember what it feels like, to be a whole person,not just half of a relationship. To feel weightless.
I don't think he's losing interest OP. He's being a big kid and shucking all his responsibilities while on vacation.
He SHOULD be calling home and checking in. It just feels good not to. To just pretend everything at home is just fine, and all his attention is on family. He has to soak up as much of it as possible, because they live hundreds of miles away. He has to become a native again, and remember where he came from. He's tired of where he has been. Not tired of you. He went away on vacation to get away from day to day stuff. To reclaim what he has been missing, and left behind in his own country.
If you are insecure about your relationship, did the problems begin when he went on vacation? Or, were there problems there before he left? Was he neglecting you before he took this vacation? Is he generally taking you for granted? Perhaps it's time to consider ending the relationship. Now you have time to think.
If you feel not getting calls while he's on vacation means your relationship is IN trouble; then you have some work to do when he gets home. Maybe it's time to give the relationship a complete overview; and decide if he is even worth the trouble. It bothered you not to hear from him for 11 days. Having you been fighting a lot lately?
I said all this, because you are separated by a lot of distance and you have a lot going through your mind. A year is not really a long time together; but if this is his first time away, your feelings are totally normal. If he has been behaving distant for a while; then gather your strength and decide if you've had enough of worrying and wondering if you're wasting your feelings and your time.
Tell him before he comes home that you would like to hear more from him. If he doesn't call home more; then do what you think necessary to deal with that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think he's cheating. I just worry he may be losing interest. I have initiated both conversations over FB but I have not tried to call him. I did text him once to say "hey hope you're having fun" and no reply. The last message was Sunday when I set him a FB message saying "hey worried about you. Had a dream you were missing. Hope you're having fun. Missing you " and he wrote back "I'm fine. Thinking of you and missing you" but that's it. The one and only time he called was last Monday. 8 days ago. When he is here in the same city we text multiple times a day, and speak almost every day.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 January 2014):
 I agree with WiseOwlE - he is ON vacation you were JUST there and spend time WITH him, now he is focusing on his family.
You are in the age group that can REMEMBER what it was like BEFORE the Internet and cell phones. So I would chill JUST a little.
It doesn't mean he doesn't miss you or care about you, he is just ENJOYING his vacation.
Sometimes a little non-communication can be healthy.
Just stay busy and miss him a little all the sweeter, when he comes home.
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A
female
reader, RosyTulip  +, writes (21 January 2014):
ABe honest, with yourself and with him, that's my advice. Of course you aren't going to feel like leaping into bed when he returns when he's hardly been in contact with you! This is all about love and respect. You have been showing him that and perhaps he isn't in return. There are ways and means of saying things, in a tactful and healthy way but make it clear that this crosses the boundaries of what you consider to be a relationship. My other half texts me every day just to say he got to work okay! He is in love with me; actions speak louder than words. If he can't contact you (which can take no time at all and would not disturb him from his fun, after all!) find out why and then consider whether you want to continue with a one sided relationship. That is your right.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 January 2014):
By concerned are you referencing cheating? If so I wouldn't worry about that, they're completely unrelated.
He probably doesn't feel like conversing, I'm that way sometimes too, especially on vacation.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 January 2014):
Are you in contact daily when you are in the same place? I can see why you'd be concerned.
How did the trip go? Were you meeting his family for the first time? Has the relationship been going okay?
I would do my best not to get riled up right now. Spend the time being very busy with friends, post lots of interesting things on FB, tag loads of friends, be visible and active and look like you are not staying home and stuck.
When he gets home, you can address the communication schedule. "Babe, I want to talk about messaging and keeping in touch, so I feel connected to you. I gave you lots of space as you seemed busy and didn't take the time to message or call me. But I have to say that it really bothered me. I felt ______ [fill in your own words here] and would like to propose that we talk about this now and establish an agreement so we are both on the same page the next time we are apart."
I have to say, I'd be pretty annoyed too but I would want to discuss it calmly and lovingly when he gets back. I'm not sure I'd be feeling all that warm and fuzzy toward him that I'd want to leap right into bed. That's one of the reported differences between women and men. Men connect emotionally through sex, they don't feel loved unless there is sex, so I've heard. Women connect emotionally through nurturing of the relationship via talking and bonding verbally; they don't feel sexual unless there has been meeting of their emotional needs.
I would play it cool, be extremely busy with friends, and I would send one message to him every other day. "Checking in, hope you are well." type stuff. If he has internet, he can reply. Is he posting on FB otherwise?
Again, not knowing the current status of your relationship, I don't know if you have grounds to be concerned. I do think you have grounds to have a discussion about communications when he gets back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): I think you should remind yourself that he is on vacation, and enjoying it.
I also think you should allow him to miss you more; to make his homecoming more intense, and sexually exciting. The first few days are hell. I know. My partner used to make extended business trips. This was back when cell phone coverage was limited; so he was often out of reach. He sometimes wondered why I didn't call. I tried, but if he was out of the call area, I just couldn't until he was in his hotel room.
Aside from the possibility of time-zone differences; where he might not feel it makes sense to message, if you're sleeping. I think he is just enjoying himself. That first few days of feeling buck-wild and free.
Often getting a breather refreshes the relationship. You normally spend the bulk of your time together; so the first couple of weeks he may not miss you as much. Vacation time is just a taste of freedom and "me-time." When you're justified to be a little selfish and indulgent.
Oh, he will start to miss you soon; and he'll start wondering what you're doing with your time alone.
Don't worry, he just got home; and there is a lot of catching up to do with the family,and running some around.
When you're part of a couple, time is shared. When on vacation alone, your time is spent as you please.
That is the purpose of a vacation.
Play it cool no matter what. If you miss him too much, call him and have a conversation. You don't always have to sit around waiting. He expects to hear from you.
That's when he can fill you in on what's going on.
It's normal to feel what you're feeling. He's going to be gone a long time, and the first few hours he's away is hard.
So as days pass, you'll miss him even more. Just don't constantly text and message. I don't know the terrain where he is, but sometimes there is a delay in messages getting through.
You will appreciate contact more; if you call and hear his voice. That may sooth you more than just exchanging e-mails and text messaging.
Keep yourself busy. Get out and see your family and friends. Do some self-improvement,and take advantage of your own "me-time." You need a girl's night out. Call your friends. You should never center all your time and attention on a relationship.
You should have your own friends; and your own support-system to keep you busy and fulfilled.
Buy yourself a ticket to a concert or show, go by yourself.
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