A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need advice. I’m trying to decide whether my marriage is worth saving. I’ve been married for 12 years. Several years ago my husband approached me about experimenting with swinging. I said that I wasn’t comfortable with sex with others. He suggested we just be together but go experience the “sexually charged atmosphere “. We went to a couple of clubs and only had sex with each other. It was fun being together in a taboo environment. Then he began creating posts on swinger sites to meet people. He often posted pictures of me without my knowledge. We fought often. He kept pushing for more involvement. We fought more, went to counseling. He agreed he was forcing it on me and he would stop. He didn’t. I kept telling him I wasn’t into this. He suggested we go to an event to see what it was about because “it would be so good for us”. He suggested I have sex with someone with him. I gave in and did. He kept pushing for more. We fought more and more. I didn’t want to keep doing this. He kept on the sites and met a guy he wanted me to meet. I did. We had several encounters with the guy. I didn’t want to be on this path. My husband kept trying to make plans for us to meet people and go to events. We fought more and more. This past weekend we had dinner with a college friend of mine and his wife. They are swingers. They showed us pictures of events they went to and how much fun they were having. The night ended with my husband hooking up with the wife while I went to the other room and hooked up with the husband. I didn’t want to do it. I’ve told my husband 1,000 times I didn’t want him to be with someone else. Yet he pushed on and on until he got what he wanted. The night ended with me in tears. I hated the whole thing. It’s like being raped again. I told my husband that and his response is that there is just something wrong with me since I don’t want to do this. He says it will make us better and all I see is that it is tearing me and our relationship apart. He says it’s my fault and that it’s just because I didn’t have therapy after several traumatic sexual events that happened to me when I was younger. I just don’t know what to go anymore.
View related questions:
swinging Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): WHY on earth do swingers even bother getting married and staying married?????
Sorry but it is ABNORMAL behavior.
I have heard so many stories about horny husbands dragging their wives or gf's into this lifestyle against their will. Women do anything to keep the man they love. And cunning, manipulative men KNOW THIS! Some of us have boundaries and would kick his disgusting ass to the curb. And others would feel pressure or weak against their husband's demands. They feel invested and that there is a lot at stake. I don't blame the women. I blame the MEN. The men have zero respect for their wives/gfs and zero respect for any woman. Women are there to be used for their pleasure, as they please. They feel entitled and superior. They need a therapist!!! Because real life is not a never ending porno reel where everybody is thrilled and having a dandy old time. People get HURT!!!
Sweetheart, this man will not change. He will keep doing this. With or without you. Stop lying to yourself. Stop pretending you are or could ever be okay with this. You never will be. Just know that he does not love you, not the way you want to be loved. And not the way you deserve to be loved. Let him go. Someday when he is very old and all alone, he will regret it. Because nobody will want to bang his SAGGY OLD BALLS! IF he can even GET IT UP!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): He is being an uncaring jerk. Don't beat yourself up. You tried to save your marriage, which was probably an impossible task because you two are sexually incompatible.
Best wishes, you can find peace and happiness!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2021): Even if it's half your fault it's over. Somehow if he would stop pushing you to sex with others, guys you don't even pick, maybe there's a chance. Then there's his sleeping with others, and what about STDs?
Another thing, you people are in your 50s. Wild oats should have been sowed. I feel a little hypocritical. In our 30's we were hit on at a party. None of us were ringers. But the guy I was to be with chickened out when he saw my husband about to have his way with his wife. I would have liked to check that box just once. But he was hot.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2021): For those out there contemplating swinging and threesomes within your marriage. Read this poor lady's post about her experience, before you decide. If you want to know if you should? Let this serve as an example, and a good answer to any question about it!
My heart goes out to the OP! She somehow may feel she had no choice. He wasn't going to let-up, knowing her already compromised mental-health due to the trauma from rape. He just kept pounding away persistently, arguing, and using aggression as a means to erode any will to resist. Note the OP described in-detail the progression of events up to this point. Writing this post must have been very painful for her.
I can recommend that she seek immediate counseling and therapy, and leave that environment as quickly as she can!
My prayers go out to her, this is quite serious!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2021): I don't need to tell you that once you've given your permission to step outside your marriage for sex; henceforth, that will become the normal routine. It is now an established part of your lovelife. The key problem here is dealing with sexual-addiction; when your partner isn't satisfied with the normal boundaries and exclusions of marriage. It probably fits the category of addiction; if he can't seem to resort to his usual filters. Unable to apply normal impulse-control, or the self-control mechanisms; that monitor and restrain certain behaviors, and limit consumption. He can't be satisfied with one partner, resists any objection to his will, and demands frequent or regular collusion with outsiders within your bedroom. Under no circumstances will he compromise; even when you've compared your psychological-response to these incidents, as to that of the trauma caused by rape!!!
You'd have to wonder! Why does he want to remain married? Why isn't he satisfied with the traditional exclusiveness, and normal monogamous-concept within the institute of marriage? Why isn't he satisfied with his chosen spouse and lifelong lover/partner, with whom he has exchanged wedding vows?
It comes down to one thing. "It's cheaper to keep her!"
You'll have your cake and can eat it too!!! Typical of today's do-as-you-choose/anything-goes culture! If it feels good, do it! All the personal and possessive-pronouns..."Me, mine, myself, and I!!! All collective-attributes that fall under the umbrella of "entitlement!"
Divorce means splitting of assets, child-support, and the heavy financial-burden of possibly paying alimony; while maintaining separate rent and household-expenses. His promiscuous/addictive approach to sex is what drives him outside the normal boundaries and constraints placed on being a husband. He may as well be an impetuous happy-go-lucky frat boy!!! To top it off, I would presume his 20's were left 20 to 30+ years behind him?
He goes beyond just viewing pornography on video, to acting it out. Being an actor, or character, in the live-version. While making you an "unwilling-participant;" which may even add some twisted-pleasure. You're his psychological-hostage. He feeds on the intrigue of being the dominant-force (or master) that compels you to submit and surrender to his demands. That also increases the guilty-pleasure; and thereby exploits the forbidden-nature of what amounts to "committing adultery" within your marriage. Strictly for the fun of it! Crossing all boundaries! Making you as guilty as he is, thus lowering your argument that your participation was not consensual, and forced. Giving him plausible-deniability should anything unforeseen happen to you!
It's debatable that at the very beginning, you had to accept some responsibility in this issue. Now, you've become a victim of sexual-coercion; and it could be suggested that any personal-responsibility is diminished, or no longer applies. You want out, but he refuses to yield to your repetitive pleas! Divorce is eminent, and it seems to be the only option at this point! Counseling and all other options have failed!
You caved-in to his persistent pressure. If you really didn't want an open-marriage; the solution is not surrendering or submitting...even under pressure. "No" means "no!" Making the excuse he forced you to, becomes sort of flimsy. Be that the case, what's the limit? What if he wanted to start a family crime syndicate, or a drug-ring? Would you be complicit, because he forced it on you?
Divorce is a very scary, emotionally-intense, and costly decision. You must exhaust all other options; and then weigh the pros and cons.
Now you've reached the point where it is now triggering flashbacks to sexual-assault; and your PTSD is beginning to resurface. This matter is quite serious; and it certainly goes far beyond just labels and our judgy commentary. Your emotional-stability and mental-health is now under assault!
Your husband has robbed you of everything promised at the altar. Even God allows divorce in the case of adultery. He doesn't approve of it under many other circumstances; but abuse and adultery are 100% biblically-approved! Your husband's counter-response to your opposition to this alternative-lifestyle is intimidation, gaslighting, and verbal-abuse! Probable mental-cruelty!
How much more can you take, and how much will you take? This is going to cause you extreme emotional-distress, on top of your PTSD from rape! How horrid was his reaction, when you compared the emotional-response you are feeling; to being forced to be what amounts to a "sex-slave!" It's against your will, and he insists on your participation under emotional-duress!!! It's not your fault! He won't let-up!
My advice? LAWYER-UP!!! Prepare for battle!
Get a divorce and save yourself! You can't change him! He has been overtaken by darkness; and has reached the point of no-return!
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (9 March 2021):
 I think that your marriage was over as soon as you indulged in the swinging scene, you helped and took part in making his fantasy come true.
So many posts come through DC related to swinging and bringing a third party in to a relationship/marriage, and time and time again it always ends badly.
We all have a choice with what we do and don't do in life, and you chose to go along to an event, then ended up having sex with someone that you regret doing. You should have stood up and said your not doing it.
He has lost all respect for you, and in just interested in living out his fantasy and does not give a damn about your feelings.
I think you are gong to have to accept that this marriage is over. Now time for you to seek legal advice and walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (9 March 2021):
 This is a very sad thing about couples that decide to try the swinging life. Very seldom does it improve the relationship. It normally tears the relationship apart. I've been on DC for over 10 years and I have NEVER seen someone say that swinging made their marriage better! Its always stories similar to yours. One partner really gets into it, the other doesn't. Sometimes one partner falls in love with someone else.
TBH OP, your marriage was over the day your husband stopped listening to you and caring about your wants and needs. He stopped respecting you. I understand that you loved him and wanted to try and make him happy but you should have put your foot down then. If you didn't want to have sex with others, then you shouldn't have..plain and simple. Your husband would have either accepted that or he would have walked. Now here you are not liking yourself and wondering what to do.
I feel sorry for you because of course this has to hurt you. I dont think your marriage can be saved because he's not about to give up swinging. Its time for you to stand up for yourself and stop doing things you don't want to do. Sometimes we have to give up someone we love to save ourselves.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2021): You seem to have married pretty late in life and no mention of kids so divorce shouldn't be a problem. Probably a judge will grant you divorce in the first sitting considering the gravity of situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 March 2021):
 Your marriage died when he didn't ACCEPT and RESPECT your no.
BUt you actively participate and then complain AFTERWARDS, that is cowardice in my book. Say no, and frigging mean it OP.
You didn't have to have sex with the man in your own house. You CAN say no and stick to it. FUCK them if they aren't happy with it! That is NOT on you. You don't owe ANYONE least of all your husband to have sex with other people.
This isn't about your past. This is about YOU having some boundaries HE doesn't want to accept. So he BULLIES you into doing things you don't want to do and you don't stand up for yourself and tell him to GTFO.
You know you can't fix this. Because HE doesn't see your point of view, he doesn't CARE how it makes you feel and what you want and doesn't want to do.
Sorry, lady, I'd be on the phone with a divorce lawyer ASAP and get this over with. Your marriage is over and he doesn't give a hoot.
...............................
|
