A
female
age
36-40,
*ayla Mayla
writes:I am at a total breaking point. I have lost over three years of my life to a man who has NEVER been faithfull, honest, or remorseful. He was only ever sorry he got caught. The begining of our relationship when I was 20 (I am almost 24) I knew he had a long term gf of 4 years but the relationship was not good, he was not happy...as with anyone with someone for that long while so young im sure. But me with my immature insequirites found it appealing to grab his attention and make him love me...like I could do with my other relationships, have the upper-hand. Long story short, he fell for me (or the idea, freedom, new-start, excitment of me) and we started sleeping together and dating...I allowed him to be "friends" with his ex bc she was the center of his group of friends, and I am friends with my serious ex too (who is still in love with me, but I never cheated or think of him like that, just like the story I tell) my bf, who excited me, loved me, entertained me, had great sex, was blown away by me *which I loved b/c I was never confident in myself and judged my worth by my relationships ect. **thanks DAD** and told me all I wanted to hear. Well he, was still sleeping with his ex *who he could kill her dog, sleep with her mom and send her to jail for the rest of her life and she would still love him and take him back, bc sadly for her, HE was the best she'd ever do. *say's a lot for this overweight, godly bleached blonde, "straving artist" *more like adverage pot-head* type girl** but me that young and being the "better woman" there was a part of me that liked stealing him away and subconciously competeting with the girl secretly inside of me I want to butry due to my upbringing. well long story short again *HA* he slept with her, lied about being with her, her friends, her house *the party spot for him and his other LOSER friends* so who knows if they were sleeping together, emotional affair *WORSE*, "hanging out" *yeaa right* or her being "crazy and making shit up" *RIGHT, LIKE THE MILLION PICTURES THAT WOULD SHOW UP ON FB??"* well that drove me nuts made me ubsessed with her fb, myspace, friends ect....but we stayed together...abusively *on his part* and out of anger and jealousy *which he had for me, only out of his shortcomings and active imagination *takes one to know one kinda thing* my life has since gone down the drain, I have lost my time, my sanity, my freedom and control over anything. I gained a SERIOUS eating disorder, because I was skinnier then his ex and that was the only thing that I could recognize to be "better" I had no control of the person I loved. He would never be honest, consistant, reliable, considerate or realiable. It spiralled out of conrol, while he joined the army, left for iraq *the whole time professing his love and commitment for me* I wrote him in bootcamp *pretty much hatemail bc I was so angry and depressed8 he wrote back disconnected BS love letters *which I fed into* blah blah, he left for iraq, after a few intense redevous whereever he was stationed. He was at recognizable war...but so was I, with an eating disorder, and unstable relationship with reality, and obsession. I got no awards or recogniction for that *which I felt was worse and had someone to blame for!!* all the time we made plans to get married, move to colorado, be happy, he loved me soooo much...as much as I resented him, I wanted this. I was faithfull, committed, trying my BEST to recover from my eating disorder and anger towards him, because I wanted so badley for it to work and to live "our country love song" he came home from Iraq, the day b4 I wnt to where he was stationed, after weeks and that year of his promises, regrets, and faithgullness towards me *which I finally let myself go, fell into it, and loved and trusted him with ALL my heart. I heard a voicemail, where he pocketdialed me...laughing in FULL detail to his buddies about some girl who he ficked and gave him head for over an hour, who he "didnt even regret it like he USUALLY does" then fucked again.....I never went to see him, ended up dating one of his friends from TX who was WONDERFUL but left him bc I was not over my ex...to do the right thing. and completely cut him off...to do the "right thing" while my ex dated another girl *out of spite* drove all around texas for, and then dumped the second I talked to him again bc I had a life threatning accident...well again and like ALWAYS, I obsess over her and him, his wrong doings, my anger..my TOTAL ANGER, her myspace, his fb *just like with his other ex which THAT has still not stopped bc it became a habbit and my way of feeling better* we still talk, I dont sleep due to my thoughts, anxiety, anger, avoidence, sadness towards him, he tells me he loves me, yet take MINIMAL if any acceptance or responsibility, for his actions *or esp. excuses them all away, which drives me NUTS!!!* He is in the military, can and has moved on, regardless of what he says...he will be happy and be connected whereever he goes, which I envy. I cannot get over him, my anger, he lets me stay in his life, he will answer my calls, be good *or good liar* to me, if I basically kiss his ass, which I have a problem doing bc I am so angry. I cannot let him go, as much as I need to, I dont a a fond memory of him, he has never been good to me, but its a habbit to obsesse and care and hope he will love me...but it is ruining my life, for three plus years...I cant sleep, cant eat *or overeat* waste time obsessing, am soo angry, cry, wait for calls, try, hurt and ruin myslef because of him. I live in mlps, I need serious help *which intern makes me MORE angry bc he did this and I am paying for it!* please I need advice or to hear someone elses story and how they changed...I know I need a hobby or something to take my mind off of it, but I am always so exhausted over thinking and being angry with him I cant seem to focus on anything else. and trust me I have tried. F! I hate it!
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affair, depressed, his ex, immature, jealous, liar, military, my ex, myspace, overweight Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Eskim0  +, writes (12 August 2010):
Okay so I read over your problem several times and I just don't get what you're trying to say. Your 'writing style' is kind of difficult to understand, and it seems that all you wanted to do was get things off your chest.
I think you should go see a counsellor or something and talk to them, ya don't seem happy love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): First of all, I'm not quite sure I grasp the center of your problem, as your prose is rather confusing and erratic.
It seems to me that your relationships, be they with current boyfriends or your ex's, are not the root of your unhappiness. I suspect that you have issues that reach deeper and further, all the way down to your childhood. You seem insecure and very focused on competition, revenge and other negative aspects of adult life.
I honestly think you should book a few sessions with a psych to talk things over from the very start. You seem fundamentally unhappy and thus I strongly recommend you describe your troubled life to an experienced professional.
Oh, and I am not criticizing you. I'm just giving my honest opinion, based on what I know about your situation, which is just what you wrote in the post.
Best of luck. Loads of love.
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