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Led into a fantasy and I like it

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 November 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 14 November 2017)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

The other night after having sex my girlfriend told me she wanted to do it again but that this time I could do whatever I wanted to her and she would let me. She said she would be my whore for the rest of the night.

When we started up again she continued talking dirty like that and we role-played a little bit with me calling her my whore and a dirty slut and such. She broke character to ask me if I enjoyed treating her like that and I said I did. Then she told me she wanted me to be rough with her and disrespect her.

It's not really my nature to be rough with women so it made me a little uncomfortable but I slapped her butt and held her down and stuff like that. She really seemed to enjoy it and then she broke character again and said: "I really mean you can do anything you want to me tonight. Get really rough. If I refuse to do something make me do it. Hurt me if you want to."

I have to say that I wasn't sure if this was a kink or if she was testing me to see how big of a jerk I could be when given license so I didn't really do anything more rough other pull her hair and choke her a little bit. She seemed to enjoy herself although I know she could tell I was holding back a little bit. I wasn't sure if she was pleased at my restraint or frustrated by it.

Since this happened I have started having violent fantasies about smacking her around (nothing too hard), restraining her in some way, and raping her. These are thoughts I would not have had before but now the idea turns me on.

I have some questions as a result. Are these sorts of fantasies healthy to have? Can they safely be acted out or are they better left as a fantasy? Finally, how do I tell her I'd like to engage in such a scenario without scaring or disgusting her? I think she might be into it given what transpired but it could also be way more than she had in mind and I don't want her to think I'm some creepy perverted freak.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou have got given some really great advice already, I cannot really add to it only to say never use the word rape. That should never be used as a fantasy. NEVER.

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A female reader, Ormskirk360 United Kingdom +, writes (13 November 2017):

Ormskirk360 agony auntJoin Fetlife, and read LOADS of the writings that pertain to your fantasies. There is information coming out of your ears when you start to look for it. If you visit Munches local to you, you will be able to get advice from people in the lifestyle that will help you enormously.

Everyone kinks in their own way. Don't be told your way is wrong if it works for you both, but learn all you can about what you want to explore.

Good luck on your kink journey!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 November 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntMany couples enjoy role play and there is nothing wrong with it, as long as you both know exactly where the boundaries lie. Having fantasies and acting them out with a WILLING partner can be very erotic, as long as neither of you ends up having to do something you don't want to do.

Also, please agree a SAFE WORD before embarking on such play. This is a word either of you can use if you need to STOP. And you MUST stop if that word is used. Obviously it can't be "stop" or something that may get used in the role play. It has to be something "different" that you would not normally use in bed - like "unicorn" or "tractor" or something equally random.

Sounds like your girlfriend may like you to be a bit more in control and a bit more forceful with her. You sound like you may be more comfortable with this in the form of role play than in "straight" sex, so go for it and experiment. Just remember, it is ROLE PLAY and not real. Never ACTUALLY hurt her or mark her.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (13 November 2017):

TylerSage agony auntWell, provided you clearly explain what it is you would like to happen in your fantasy I don't think it should be a problem as long as you both keep it within the ranks of just a fantasy and not get carried away with it.

Make sure you get a private area where no once else can hear you two and get the wrong idea and MAKE SURE you have a safeword. Should your girlfriend be open to the idea make sure you guys have certain rules in mind, like don't be too rough, don't draw blood, don't included any other people etc. I think it would be helpful if you discussed scenarios beforehand to get a better idea of what she would be open to vs. what she would be against.

All the best.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (13 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntYou should ALWAYS ONLY DO AS YOUR GF HAS GRANTED YOU PERMISSION TO DO and even then, do be VERY CAREFUL, because a bit of kinky, wild and aggressive fantasy play can seriously turn ugly and get you into very hot water.

Seriously, you don't want the Police showing up at your front door, because in the heat of the moment, you took things way too far, by way of physically hurting your gf and so far, that your gf had no choice but to ring the Police.

You should NEVER, EVER use the word, RAPE, when talking about women and you should not even be contemplating acting out "rape" with your gf.

Seriously, this is crossing the line wayyyy to far and do not act on it.

In fact, wipe it out of your mind completely.

RAPE is a very serious offence and surely you'd know this and there is NO EXCUSE, ever for it, not even as a "fantasy".

If you truly respect and love your gf, you shouldn't be thinking of committing such acts during a sexual fantasy.

As WiseOwlE mentioned, let your gf be the director and even then, if her requests are getting to weird, bizarre and aggressive, then you let her know that you don't agree with her request/s and you cannot follow through with them.

The other thing, we women, we're very funny creatures, because what she's currently asking you to perform now, could very well be used against you, in the advent of your relationship suddenly turning sour.

Your gf may feel upset, angry, hurt and accuse you of all sorts of things, even though, she may have asked you to do it during your fantasy play.

You just never know, so be very careful and always keep the fantasy as a fantasy and don't go overboard or get carried away with aggressive and violent thoughts/acts.

This whole experience has brought out a "darker side" to both of you, however, always restrain those evil thoughts and those dangerous and disrespectful thoughts.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 November 2017):

I strongly suggest that you be careful about manhandling women; even if you're asked to.

If things get out of hand, you could inflict serious harm. How would she explain excessive bruising and marks left on her body? She might even give you a knee to the groin if you get carried-away! Hold your pistols cowboy!

It was role-playing. It was a little kinkiness to spice things up a bit. Why must it always have to be pushed to the limit and beyond extremes?!!! Can't people take a little sprinkle of spice without going for the whole spice rack???

She guided you and instructed you as to what you were allowed to do. I think it's best to stay within those parameters; and if you come-up with your own ideas, you had better ask first. "Pretty please!"

I don't know how long you've been together as a couple; but it's a little odd this just comes out of the blue. If you're a new couple, maybe she's introducing you to another side of herself. If you're a longtime-couple; she wanted to give you a few new thrills. She felt like experimenting.

Keep your violent fantasies to yourself. She kept things frisky; but gave you permission to be rough. With women, I strongly suggest that taking their suggestions or instructions when applying rough-play, is the very best way. You will have a tough time explaining black and blue marks, hair yanked from her scalp, or a low of swelling.

I cringe and feel very uncomfortable with the word "rape;" let alone the actual crime!!! Keep that in your head! It's nothing to joke about!

Please maintain some control and reign-in your imagination when you find yourself fantasizing acts of sexual-violence! Rape IS sick! There is no acceptable way to put it!

It's not a bad thing to get rough and talk dirty. I only suggest that you let her be the director; since you're a character in her fantasy! Just reading your post, I hope she didn't unleash more than she might be able to handle.

I won't judge you or submit to name-calling. Lets just say she brought out your dark and kinky side; but make sure she didn't create Frankenstein's Monster!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (12 November 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntFirst of all, you need to have a safe word established IMMEDIATELY. You can't safely explore kinks without a safe word, as "no" is often ignored, so it needs to be something you WILL NOT, under any circumstances, ignore and will instantly stop. Make sure you're never living out a kink where she physically can't say the word (like a gag that is stopping her from being able to speak, if she needs to).

I think the rough stuff is something she'd be game for, as long as it's consented to, at the time - not just out of the blue.

However, I personally think anyone with a rape fantasy should seriously delve into why. Is it faux rape they are interested, or is it genuine rape? Why rape and not just domination? etc. Consider speaking to a sex counsellor about it, just to find out why this particular "fantasy" has been triggered.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2017):

I think the vast majority of people have such fantasies and sex and power are often intertwined. In psychology you can transfer many of your other drives or issues into your sexual drive to scratch an itch, sex is not always about loving someone and there are a lot of different healthy and unhealthy ways to express your sexuality. I think it is ok to play with that but always keep in the back of your head that you are playing, or see a therapist about why you have these desires if they become strong. Think about why you have them. Definitely research safe play within BDSM. I and my boyfriend have a safe word: "Chocolate starfish" which is easy to memorize and won't be used in roleplay, only to stop it immediately, since he really ENJOYS to uh...vehemently refuse and shout "no" sometimes. As with anything else as a couple, honest communication and keeping an open mind to new revelations from your partner is key.

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