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Do I fight to keep her or let her go?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 November 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 20 November 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So out of the blue my fiance has broken up with me, we've been together almost 3 years and engaged since May. I love her and want to be with her, she says it's because of my messiness and it's effect on her mental health.

I've never been this open and vulnerable with anyone before but I know that if we do get back together then things are always going to be different between us.

What do I do? Do I fight for her or let her go?

View related questions: engaged, fiance, get back together

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (20 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntThanks for your update and i'm sorry to hear that both you and your fiance have depression and anxiety and on top of that your fiance has cyclothymia.

I can imagine that it would be very hard for you, to understand her sudden mood changes, both highs and lows, but it's even harder for your fiance, as she's the one living with cyclothymia.

I feel that "perhaps" you could try to sit your fiance down, take the "lead role" for a positive change and express to her how much you love her and wish to spend the rest of your life with her.

Then you can elaborate and express to her, that as you both share some common ground, you'd like to arrange some couples counselling for both of you.

The thing is, you guys DO REQUIRE HELP with your respective medical condition/s, plus your relationship, if it is at all to survive.

It all requires "immediate" work.

You MUST do your very best to SHOW your fiance that you will take half the burden off her shoulders, by way of taking action and by meaning what you say/do.

This way, she will see that you are serious and she may just decide, to take you back and give you another chance.

If you CHOOSE to do NOTHING, well, you seriously cannot expect rewards.

I know it can be expensive to visit a counsellor, however, if you truly wish to save your relationship, this may be your LAST CHANCE.

You say you've worked very hard and have had multiple promotions and "busted your ass" for your relationship, so i suspect that organising an important appointment won't be too difficult for you.

Again, i am well aware that you and she suffer from depression/anxiety, however, this is where you have to be truly strong (mentally) and do whatever you know you must do, to help both yourself and your relationship.

Look at it this way, what you've been doing "to date" hasn't worked one bit, so now you must take another route and this will definitely be a much more positive one and one that may actually "get you results".

Good luck and let me know how you go. :-)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2017):

Okay, first of all I think breaking up with someone just because they are messy is either a complete excuse/cover for some other reason OR you are dating someone who is a neat freak to the extreme and really extremely anal IMO. Not someone I would want to spend my life with especially if I was on the relaxed, messy side.

From your update though, I notice that SHE asked YOU to marry her.

What I can't help wondering is that maybe she is feeling tired of taking the "dominant" (traditionally male) role in the relationship. Maybe she is feeling like she has to push you into everything, including marriage (as well as cleaning, doing things, etc). Maybe she realized she could go be with someone who begs her to marry him, rather than having to be the "pusher" so to speak. It really sounds like she is the go-getter in the relationship, and you are more passive. And believe me that can be a huge turn off in the long run, even if we women THINK we don't mind at first.

You do seem thoughtful from all your actions which you've described, but again seem to be a more passive type. Taking a guess, this could be why she is starting to feel turned off. You have to take charge and be a little more aggressive in pursuing her (well, you could try it). Why don't you tell her you could never live without her, show up at her door with a ring, etc.

It is worth a try if she is feeling like the pusher trust me this is the ONLY kind of thing that will work is showing you too can take a "pursuer" role.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm self admitted to being messy, we both have depression and anxiety, she has cyclothimia as well (mild form of bipolar)

Everything I've done over the years has been for us, busted my ass working and getting promoted 6 times to ensure we would still have a roof over our heads if her health declined and she couldn't work.

Looking after her pets when she was to ill to do it herself, sorting out cremation for one that died. I've worked so hard to make this work. I've spoken to her a couple of times since posting this and she is not changing her mind. I'm just at a loss as to why she would ask me to marry her if she knew this was coming

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (15 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntYou're not an alcoholic, a thief, a gambler, a womaniser, a drug addict, so i don't see why you being "messy," is enough for your ex fiancee, to break up with you after 3 long years.

Whilst i don't like mess myself, i certainly wouldn't break up with a long term partner, because of this.

Was your ex fiancee not aware of your being messy from early on in your relationship?

If she was, then she had 2 options back then.

1. To step in and help you to help yourself.


2. To break up with you THEN rather than NOW.

Being messy is actually something that CAN be worked on and more often, with a more positive outcome.

Other vices may be harder to rectify.

I think and it's sad to say, but your fiancee didn't just break up with you because of the fact that you're a messy person.

There's more to this and more than meets the eye.

I don't think that you fighting for her, or trying to win her back is going to "fix" and resolve this situation.

It sounds as though she'd made up her mind quite some time ago and her final decision was to end your relationship and quite abruptly.

It sounds as though, over time, she got sick of you and your behaviour, hence the outcome.

I wonder, could she have been seeing somebody else over time and has now decided HIM over YOU?

I don't know for sure, but it's very possible, because women don't just suddenly decide, to break up with their fiance's after 3 years together.

You cannot change what's transpired, nor change your ex's mindset, but do know you can change your ways and you can now start working on being "less messy" or make a choice to "not be messy at all" and learn to clean up after yourself and learn to keep your home clean and tidy.

This means, vacuuming, dusting and sanitising weekly, changing your bed linen regularly, changing rubbish bags as soon as they fill up and washing all your dirty clothes when your basket starts to fill up and obviously there's so much more to do around a house.

If all this sounds too daunting for you at first, why don't you watch a few youtube uploads on how best to remain clean/tidy and how best to get into this habit, if you're new to it.

Youtube is like an online learning tool and just about anything and everything you could ever want to know, is pretty much available to you, from the comfort of your home, so take advantage of it.

Use this time alone, to work on yourself and if/when you are ready to re-enter into a new relationship, you'll be on a winning edge.

Good luck!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 November 2017):

You're so messy it affects her mental-health?

I don't think fighting to keep her is going to work. It seems she forfeited a three-year relationship and an engagement to reach this final-decision.

To come this far and reach the decision to leave you; means marriage is off the table. In fact, I would accept her decision as final.

You couldn't prove you could change given three years to do so. You didn't love her enough to do it, before you forced her to leave you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2017):

You're MESSY???

Is that ALL???

I'm going to cut you a break sweetie because you seem like a good guy.

You aren't a cheater. You aren't a womanizer. You aren't an abuser. Or a gambler. I can see why she'd break up with you if you were any or one of those things.

But messy? Surely you could be given an opportunity to change that.

What kind of relationship do you both have if you can't deal with something like that? What about when REAL challenges in a marriage would arise? Like having children? Money issues? Etc?

It seems to me your girlfriend/fiancee is thin skinned and was looking for a way out. She used messiness.

If she really loved you, she would have accepted this as part of who you are and even offered to help you work on fixing this problem.

This kind of a person is not the one you would want by your side as you weather any storm in life. She can't handle it.

Tell her good riddance. She is not mature enough to handle a mature relationship, and especially not a marriage.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 November 2017):

Honeypie agony auntIs she right about you being a messy person? Is it something you can and want to change?

She did the right thing in breaking up. If you are messy to a point that it affects her, then things weren't working out for her. And my guess is she has brought this up before and nothing changed. My second guess is that this wasn't quite out of the blue.

My advice? If you are a messy person, the likelihood of you finding a partner who likes that is LOW. So take a lesson from this and WORK on that issue. If you can get it under control, who knows what the future hold?

For now though, don't make promises you can't or won't keep, in order to get her back. WORK on you. See where it takes you. She might not BE the one for you and you might not be the one for her.

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A female reader, NORA B Ireland + , writes (13 November 2017):

Well with respect to you and your loving feeling towards your ex-girl friend ...its not a case of letting her go as she has broken up with you.She has given you a reason why she has called it of.Would you consider in giving her a little space to think of the situation.As you stated even if you got back together again it would not be the same and that could cause more problems.Remember it takes two in a relationship to make it work.Would you consider doing nothing..waiting to find out if she would come back to you herself..Sometimes letting go is the right decision.Kind regards NORA B.

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