A
male
age
30-35,
*utting the Art in Heart
writes:So..I've come here in need of help. For the first time, I'm accepting all my problems as my own faults. I've tried so hard to look into how to becoming less jealous and really, I can't make a connection and get on improving myself and becoming less jealous. Jealousy ruins relationships. I know this for a fact and without a doubt. So to get on to it..I've been dating this girl for a year and a half. At the beginning of our relationship, I've realized that it seemed like she cared a lot more than I did. She ended up cheating on me within 2 months of dating. I took her back and don't really blame her for it. She had actually called the other guy my name as she kissed him once. I was very upset at the time, don't get me wrong. In no way do I approve of cheating; it's horrible and wrong. But I took her back..and didn't really have any problems or jealousy matters at all with her until 11 months. She started talking to these college guys and hanging out with them. One of them had actually texted her one night saying, "Fuck your bf come date my friend! haha" and I was EXTREMELY upset. She broke down and I rubbed it off as no problem. Things went down hill after this though. She visited Zero Gravity and had guys all over her (despite my disapproval of her going). She apologized for going and promised to never ever again and I believe her for it. Then later on in the month, she tells me she's falling out of love with me. This is really hard info to hear. I mean, who wouldn't feel dead by this? You feel like you fall in love with someone and they cut you down. It's horrible.So 2 days after our 1 year anniversary, she breaks up with me (for numerous reasons, one including a person mental disorder). This is absolutely horrible for both of us. For a month we both retain a very close, but yet not bf/gf relationship. After another month, she ends up deciding she doesn't want the relationship at all anymore and eventually kisses some other guy. We still struggle to remain close..as we both still have feelings for each other. I end up breaking and demanding one of the extremes, just date me or don't. She ends up choosing me. After many long apologies, we get over our problems. It's now been about 6 months since then..without ANY problems.But lately, she's been hanging out with this boy we'll refer to as Juan (for the reason of staying anonymous). Well, I believe Juan has a thing for my gf. At numerous times while with my gf, she has actually texted him and said she was bored just chillin' and stuff like that. Recently, his friends have also been posting his name on her formspring and stuff. I bring it up to her and she apologizes and such to me, but stands up to me and says that he's only a friend, don't worry, and he has no part in the form-spring thing.I know I over-analyze. I really do. But I've become EXTREMELY jealous and over-protective almost. I'm jealous over nothing. I'm jealous of her talking to her female friends even now. i get bothered and start wondering if she doesn't text me back or if she's out with her friends at night. I trust her. I do. I just don't in certain situations. It seems as if her friends would have no problem in suggesting her to cheat (meaning, they wouldn't really see anything wrong with it...as they never did with the Zero Gravity situation). I hate it. I hate myself for acting like this. It's just that..I REALLY care about this girl and we've been through HELL and back together. After my past with her, it seems reasonable from and outside view to think that I'd be jealous. I've even admitted to her that I was. I talked about it and got it out. But to no avail, I still am. I want to change. I'm willing to change for this girl. Someone..please help me. How can I stop being so jealous? What should I do? How can I control my feelings?Also for reference, I've never once told her she can't do anything. Controlling isn't an issue. I'd never make my jealousy clear and open like that. I find that abusive and wrong.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Talk to your girlfriend about the feelings you're having. You're feeling jealous and insecure because she's given you reasons, and you're not just going to "snap out of it." She has to rebuild your trust after cheating on you, breaking up with you every whipstich, etc.
You have to decide if both of you are willing to fix the situation (you having more self-esteem, and her not doing things that had previously led to her cheating or breaking up with you). If only one of you wants to fix it, do you really want to keep trying with this relationship?
You're just 16-17, so you'll have plenty of later opportunities to meet girls just as good as – if not better than – her.
A
male
reader, Putting the Art in Heart +, writes (9 October 2010):
Putting the Art in Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo also further explain this..
It doesn't really control my life. I don't feel that I'm always worried. I relax and I'm fine, but I do have the thoughts every so often..and they're strong. I don't consider it obsessive jealousy. I mean, I have fun and relax with my friends, watch movies, go to school, live life. There's not that constant thing. It does happen though..
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A
male
reader, Putting the Art in Heart +, writes (9 October 2010):
Putting the Art in Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the first answer:
Thanks, that's some very good advice. It sounds sort of like "distract yourself from the thoughts until you have the power to not even have them." Thanks. But in your last sentence, do you mean not have her at the time..or in general?
To the second answer:
The thing is, I'm not ready to make that push. I don't want to really rid myself of her. What do you suggest as a last attempt? Do you suggest me talking to her about my insecurities? If I talk, I'm not sure what I'd say..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Your jealousy is caused by your insecurities. Work on your self esteme, and becoming a calm relaxed and happy person. You will be more sure of yourself, and what you want from a relationship.
Change your thinking so instead of being introspectively obsessing, focus instead on the outside world. Do anything that engages your thoughts elsewhere when you start having jealous thoughts. Eg do work, see friends, read, watch a film.
Sitting there thinking 'I must not be jealous, I must not be jealous' gets you obsessing all the more. Work hard to keep things in perspective and have more than one important thing going on in your life.
Know that you want to be with this girl, but also know that if it doesn't work out give your self time and you will be still fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I am assuming that Zero Gravity is some kind of club?
First of all, it's pretty clear you are jealous of others spending time with her in all situations, and I think it's definitely because you are afraid of what you don't know. Is she actually with her friends? What are they planning to do? Do they share values of faithfulness and fidelity? And all of this is rooted in the fact that you do not trust her at all. She gave you a reason very early in your relationship to not trust her, and she's continually doing things that she knows makes you uncomfortable or things that seem to totally disregard your relationship and quality time together (i.e. allowing guys to dance all over her at the club, spending too much time with Juan, texting other guys when you are with her, etc.) Then, she's wishy washy. She breaks up with you, then wants you back, then breaks up with you, then wants you back. She probably decides she wants you back when she realizes these guys who seem interested in her are only interested in one thing with her, and she likes the stability and "love" you provide.
Honestly, at this level of jealousy and with the trust issues that it seems like she's caused, I don't really think it's worth it to put any more thought and effort into her. I know it will be hard to break up with her since you do care about her, but these things aren't going to just stop happening without effort on her part to be faithful (although, in my opinion, it shouldn't take an iron will to be faithful; it should just come naturally in the relationship out of caring and loving the other person).
It's up to you to decide if you want to continue living this way, in fear and jealousy, or if you want to get rid of her and find someone better.
Let us know what you decide!
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