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age
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writes: Ok, I messed up. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 15 months. Of those, we've been having issues for about 8 months.I sorta sensed from the begining that he would dissaprove of my past. It's not a terrible past, but it involves a mutual friend. He also dislikes that I had kissed some guys I barely knew, and that I once played spin the bottle in a party, etc. The thing is I lied about the mutual friend... three times. I was afraid of his reaction, I thought I'd lose him. I was uncomfortable with the topic, as he craved details. So I lied three times. Of course, later I came clean.He got maaaaad. Of course, now I lost his trust. And he's been hurt and mad ever since. He says he feels insecure because he doesn't know what I'm capable of doing. He even thinks I could cheat. Sometimes when he asks me to tell him the truth about things, and I do, he doesn't believe me and asks me why should he believe me, and of course I have no physical proof of telling the truth. He's afraid I might make him suffer again. Sometimes he gets reminded over tiny things, and he gets mad. I suffer a lot too, but he says I looked for it. Sometimes he breaks up with me over the anger, but then regrets it. I don't know why he's still with me, if apparently I do such harm to him. But I guess he does love me after all...Now I regret having lied. I shouldn't have been such a coward. I might have lost him, or maybe not. But well, what's done is done. Now, I know I'll probably never mend entirely what's broken. But what can I do to reassure him? He even doubts of my love because he says you don't lie to those you love... BUT I TRULY LOVE HIM! It's my first relationship, I didn't know lying would have these consequences... but still... Is there something I can do to help the situation? Or do I just have to pay for my mistakes?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (27 November 2007):
 Hi there,
I seriously wonder how guy's like this actually get dates let alone a girlfriend.
Listen, he is a controlling jerk who will make your life a misery if you go back with him. Lets face it, with his self pitying personality I wouldn't imagine that girls are queing up to take your place. So I wouldn't be surprised if he came back to you complete with a list of how to be a good girlfriend.
I dont mean to be mean about your boyfriend as I'm sure you still hold very strong feelings for him, but you need to put this one down to experience and watch out for these type's of guys in the future. They exist solely to put the blame for all their problems on anyone but themselves.
Good luck!
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (27 November 2007):
 "He says I looked for this. That I deserve it. For being easy in my past, but especially for making a fool of him by lying. I wish he finds happiness, but mostly I wish I find both happiness and sanity."Sounds like a complete idiot. I think you're better off without him to be honest!I don't think this issue is ever going to go away and will eat him up from the inside. He'll continue to be possessive, jealous, and angry, and you'll have to put up with it all.How long do you think you could put up with this? I've been guilty of NOT telling my last girlfriend (now my ex) about receiving text messages from girls... Every time I did reply and made it clear I was with my girlfriend and NOT to bother me anymore. However, if I received a message when she was with me she always wanted to know who it was... I'd show her... And reply there and then... And then get a load of aggro. As if it's my fault I received a message.Funny thing is her ex-boyfriend from way back called her once while we were having a drink at lunchtime together and, although I didn't like it, I didn't give her any aggro about it.My ex told me she even had a dream that we were having a cosy night in at my place and my first girlfriend turned up in a wedding dress as she was getting married that evening. My first girlfriend told me she still wanted to be with me and didn't want to marry her man. I left what was then my girlfriend (and now my ex) and ran off with my first girlfriend there and then. I don't know what this means... But I think my past was just too much for her to handle.Personally, I really do think you should leave it. If he really wants you back or wants it to work then why not go to RELATE together and see if you can work it out? If he's not willing to try - put it behind you, cut all contact, and move on.EVERYONE has a history.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, right now he broke up with me. He said he can't stand the anger and that I make him suffer too much. He said I'm selfish for having lied like that, that I was trying to make myself look clean instead of showing my true colors. I'm sure he'll ask me to come back together, but I seriously don't know what to do. I don't get him. He says he loves me and wants to be with me even though he knows all this but when the anger comes he says I'm the worst person alive. I'm so sad and hurt, but what can I do? He says I looked for this. That I deserve it. For being easy in my past, but especially for making a fool of him by lying. I wish he finds happiness, but mostly I wish I find both happiness and sanity.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (27 November 2007):
You know what I just read you're question again and it's so spooky! I've had exactly the same thing. 15 months and the first 6 were AMAZING... After that something must've happened and HELL started. I thought she was depressed (she was having a hard time and a lot of uncertainty in her life) but I stuck right by her, alwasy there for her, I wanted to see her through it and get the old girl back. I was very patient too.
My girlfriend got angry and would end it and regret it - although it has to be said I'd regret it too - only for us to get back together each time. I think I ended it once, back together again, nothing changed and we both ended it. Well, I suppose I intiated the last time. I forgave/forgot every time and put it down to the fact she was having a rough time - nothing to do, maybe depressed, uncertainty about moving away, etc.
She stopped caring though - or certainly didn't seem to care and I remember on a couple of occassions I had a rough time and she didn't even ask me about it... I'd tell her I had a nightmare at the bank and they didn't process my Power of Attorney for my Nan and screwed it up. She didn't even ask. Another occassion I said there's a lot of uncertainty at work at the moment - a whole department found out they were going to be made redundant and lose their jobs today... They didn't know and it was announced to the entire company. She was just standing there fght in front of me not even listening. It was like she was in her own little World.
You're boyfriend needs to make a choice. Accept your past - EVERYONE has one - and love you for who you are. You're with HIM after all. Or if he can't deal with it, he'll have to leave it.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (27 November 2007):
Collaroy wrote:
The most worrying thing about your post is the comment: "Do I just have to pay for my mistakes". What mistakes would these be? the fact that you lied to your boyfriend or that you had a life before you met him.
I can see why you lied to your boyfriend, he is one of these guys who cannot handle a girlfriend having a previous sex life. These men store away their bitterness and use them against their partners, eventually wearing down their self respect.
Listen , what you did before you met your boyfriend is none of his business, and o.k. you lied about it, but given his reaction who can blame you."
--- Wow, I've been here. I think my ex was trying to compete with my first and only previous girlfriend. Unfortunately, she knew I had been with someone for 6 years, we had a house together. I did reassure her that we grew apart and she wasn't the same person anymore. That's why it ended.
"He's acting like a jerk, and he is making you suffer, he already has you in the position where you feel you have to atone for your wicked ways. It will only get worse from here."
--- This is exactly how I felt. It wa slike she wanted to compete with someone who wasn't even there. Maybe this is why my girlfriend wanted to get engaged... Perhaps she needed a "I mean more to you than anyone before me" statement but I SHOWED her this every day. Due to the volatility of our relationship I didn't want to commit until I was 100% sure this was the woman I wanted to marry. That's why I'd get engaged... To get married.
"There are men out there who don't care what their partners did before they started dating ( I am one ) i guess you just havent met one yet. You don't have to settle for a self conscious jerk who wants to control your life."
--- I agree. I'm very much like this. Looking back I can see the history issue was one with my ex. My response you'll go through your whole life on your own that way... EVRYONE has history. Hell, I wasn't her first. In fact she had more sexual partners than me but it's that long 5-6 year relationship I had that she saw as a competition. And yes, she was very controlling, needy, and in the end too much like hard work.
With reagrds to the MOVE ON comments. Far easier to say than to do (I'm sure you already know that anyway). I'm still hung up on my ex and that was 3 weeks ago now.
I'll be watching keenly for any updates to this one :)
Sorry I couldn't offer much advice. I'm in the same boat. I still LOVE her and miss her, my head says NO but my heart is still hers.
Take care and good luck - let us know how you're getting on.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (27 November 2007):
Collaroy wrote:The most worrying thing about your post is the comment: "Do I just have to pay for my mistakes". What mistakes would these be? the fact that you lied to your boyfriend or that you had a life before you met him.I can see why you lied to your boyfriend, he is one of these guys who cannot handle a girlfriend having a previous sex life. These men store away their bitterness and use them against their partners, eventually wearing down their self respect.Listen , what you did before you met your boyfriend is none of his business, and o.k. you lied about it, but given his reaction who can blame you."--- Wow, I've been here. I think my ex was trying to compete with my first and only previous girlfriend. Unfortunately, she knew I had been with someone for 6 years, we had a house together. I did reassure her that we grew apart and she wasn't the same person anymore. That's why it ended."He's acting like a jerk, and he is making you suffer, he already has you in the position where you feel you have to atone for your wicked ways. It will only get worse from here."--- This is exactly how I felt. It wa slike she wanted to compete with someone who wasn't even there. Maybe this is why my girlfriend wanted to get engaged... Perhaps she needed a "I mean more to you than anyone before me" statement but I SHOWED her this every day. Due to the volatility of our relationship I didn't want to commit until I was 100% sure this was the woman I wanted to marry. That's why I'd get engaged... To get married."There are men out there who don't care what their partners did before they started dating ( I am one ) i guess you just havent met one yet. You don't have to settle for a self conscious jerk who wants to control your life."--- I agree. I'm very much like this. Looking back I can see the history issue was one with my ex. My response you'll go through your whole life on your own that way... EVRYONE has history. Hell, I wasn't her first. In fact she had more sexual partners than me but it's that long 5-6 year relationship I had that she saw as a competition. And yes, she was very controlling, needy, and in the end too much like hard work.With reagrds to the MOVE ON comments. Far easier to say than to do (I'm sure you already know that anyway). I'm still hung up on my ex and that was 3 weeks ago now.I'll be watching keenly for any updates to this one :)Sorry I couldn't offer much advice. I'm in the same boat. I still LOVE her and miss her, my head says NO but my heart is still hers.Take care and good luck - let us know how you're getting on.
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (26 November 2007):
The most worrying thing about your post is the comment: "Do I just have to pay for my mistakes". What mistakes would these be? the fact that you lied to your boyfriend or that you had a life before you met him.
I can see why you lied to your boyfriend, he is one of these guys who cannot handle a girlfriend having a previous sex life. These men store away their bitterness and use them against their partners, eventually wearing down their self respect.
Listen , what you did before you met your boyfriend is none of his business, and o.k. you lied about it, but given his reaction who can blame you.
He's acting like a jerk, and he is making you suffer, he already has you in the position where you feel you have to atone for your wicked ways. It will only get worse from here.
There are men out there who don't care what their partners did before they started dating ( I am one ) i guess you just havent met one yet. You don't have to settle for a self conscious jerk who wants to control your life.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (26 November 2007):
Just wanted to pick up on a couple of points here:"I sorta sensed from the begining that he would dissaprove of my past" - you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. If you lie and get found out it's very difficult to then believe anything and the relationship can quite easily crumble rather quickly.Mr Kermit said; "He is the one that could not handle the truth. The stuff he was asking about really is none of his business.The real question is: If he knew the truth, would he still have dated you? If the answer is no, then dump him. If the answer is yes, then point out that if he wants you to be honest with him, HE must prove that he can handle the honesty."How can you answer the first question here? If he knew the truth before you went out would he have dated you? Well, he didn't know the truth. If I found out my girlfriend used to be a male transvestite prostitute a year earlier then hell no I wouldn't have gone there... If I didn't know (and would probably have to be blind not to notice) and wasn't told the truth, then when I do find out the whole relationship will be based on a lie. And I'm sure I'll even question whether it was real or not.Ok it's an extreme example but you get the drift.I guess my idea of a relationship is one where you're both equal and you love each other no matter the past. I'm guessing you might have been ashamed of the past but wanted him so much you wanted to hide it from him. I couldn't care less if my girlfriend had 20 boyfriends in the past or just me... I'm with her now and that's all that matters.I do agree that at the end of the day if he isn't prepared to forgive/forget then you're better off out of it.Someone shouldn't have to prove they can handle the truth to be told it. How can he prove he can handle the truth when he's being lied to? If you were honest from the outset or mentioned it when your relationship moved from "new" to that "we're official" phase you should've come clean then and had a chat. Sure you might have a row, both get upset about it but you MUST be honest with each other.Anyway, my tuppence worth :) Good luck
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (23 November 2007):
 He is the one that could not handle the truth. The stuff he was asking about really is none of his business.
The real question is: If he knew the truth, would he still have dated you? If the answer is no, then dump him. If the answer is yes, then point out that if he wants you to be honest with him, HE must prove that he can handle the honesty.
-Frank B Kermit
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female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (22 November 2007):
 It is understandable that your bf is upset about the lies you've told - and it is understandable that it might take him a long time to get over it.
Did you explain to him WHY you lied?
The only thing you can do to regain his trust, is to speak to him about this situation. Tell him exactly how it is making you feel, and how much you regret the lies you've told. Once you've said how sorry you are, tell him that you need him to trust you, and that although you know it will take time for him to do so - you will do your utmost to show him that you can be trusted. Ask him if there is anything you can do to make things better? Tell him how it feels when he constantly brings up your past mistakes, and how it does not help the current situation, and makes you feel bad about yourself all over again.
Then - start with the little things. If you make an agreement with him (no matter how small) then keep to it.
It will take a lot of work from your side, but your boyfriend will need to do his part as well. He cannot hold onto the past. He needs to let it go.
Sit down with him, and talk about this - from beginning to end. If he still doesn't want to trust you, or if he's still funny towards you and constantly brings up the past, then maybe, this guy is not willing to forgive you, and then, there is no use in trying.
Good luck...
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