A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Please can you help me.I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and love him very much, we talk about getting married and having children. However last year I cheated on him 4 times. Even now I cant explain why I did it; I lost both my grandparents and had problems with my friends. Although my boyfriend is very loving and caring I craved the attention these men gave me. I cried every time I cheated and felt so dirty, but I carried on doing it. I started a new year and really have learned from the awful year I had. But now I feel so guilty. Should I tell my boyfriend or just move on? Im not expecting any sympathy because I know how badly I have behaved. I just need some advice as I have read other users problems and everyone seems to give good avdvice. Thank you for taking time to read this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): Hi there,
I totally understand your dillema. I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years, but when I was away to university in another city (in the first year of our relationship) I cheated on him with a guy that lived in my residence. I knew he would never understand or forgive me so I chose not to tell him when it happened. I figured as people have said that it was a mistake and I had learned my lesson. I haven't cheated in 3 years and I love my boyfriend to death. we were planning to spend our life together, until recently.
We had been fighting lately and it came up that if every learned I had cheated or done anything a long time ago he would stop loving me in a flash and drop me like a fly. I felt so guilty for not telling him the truth when it was clearly soo important to him. And I felt selfish for not being honest in order to keep my relationship and be happy.
So I told him yesterday in a letter what happened. I figured, I could go a while without telling him I cheated, but after 4 years it is getting so serious, and if we to be together forever, he deserved to know what he is getting into. Needless to say, he hates my guts. But my most important advice to you from someone who has done what you are thinking of doing, is that god it feels good to get it off your chest!!!
I have told my boyfriend that I love him unconditionnally and would never ever cheat again, and haven't since that one stupid night which was a mistake. So now it is up to him if he will forgive me, which he sort of has now that I have told him, and be with me, which he says is unlikely.
My game plan now is to be honest from now on, to be faithful forever, and wait for what he thinks. I will understand if he doesn't ever want to see my face again, and will live with my mistake forever, at least being happy that I was honest finally and did the RIGHT THING!!!
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): The person who wrote ,
"Hi Anon, 1. you will feel bad...etc"
I would just like to say i think your advice is brilliant.
Actually "wow" material.
Ive copied and pasted what you wrote, my mates will benefit as have i.
well done!
x x x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Anon reader who took so much time to help me. I cried when i read your responce because I felt so relieved as this is what a tiny voice had been telling me to do. Thank you so much, Xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Thanks so much you 2. It's great to get someone elses advice and opinions. No i'm not still cheating, it was just that year when I went completly off the rails. It's good to get this off my chest. Many thanks again.Xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Hi Anon1. You will feel bad -- and you should! You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel guilt because you obviously care about your partner. The first thing to realise is that feeling guilty is normal and natural - it's a form of regret. It's that voice telling you that it doesn't feel right. While I'm not being so naive to say "embrace it", do accept it --- it's your way of knowing that going outside your relationship is a course of action that's not working for you when you are feeling in need of affection or validation or whatever it is. Use that regret to learn from but don't let it become your anchor, dragging you down hereafter. 2. Don't let this dictate how you think of yourself -- i.e. see it as a series of errors, but don't let yourself get tricked into thinking that this defines the kind of person you are - don't think in generalisations (e.g. "I'm a cheater" or "I'm a bad girlfriend" or "I'm terrible at monogamous relationships") because when you do that, you're allowing mistakes to define you and you're NOT the mistakes you make - you are a good person who just made some mistakes. See your mistakes - whether they be 1, 2 or 10 - as something that you learn from -- no more, no less. And realise that sometimes, as much as it's a great big pain in the arse and you could kick yourself, we need to make a mistake more than once (in your case 4x) before it really hits home. I'd almost go so far as to say you can bet the 4th has guaranteed this will never be an issue for you again, but just to be sure...3. Address the issues -- have a good think about what is underlying those acts. Cheating isn't generally about sex for women - sometimes it's about feeling validated and special and adored, especially when you're going through a rough time. Even if you're partner is someone who tells you you're beautiful and wonderful and loved every day, getting attention elsewhere is different... it's offered independently so it sometimes feels even more flattering than when it comes from your partner and makes you feel good in the short-term. Maybe there IS something missing with your partner - maybe there are issues there to explore. Whatever it is, talk to a friend or a counsellor or someone and see if you can address your issues because that'll help in the future if you're faced with another crisis that leads to temptation.4. Don't tell him. As awful as it is for you to bear this alone, it is your cross to bear - not his. All it will do is hurt him and make it harder for you to be able to move on because you'll see the pain in his eyes, you'll feel him pull away in the night and that will be really hard to take. You're paying a high enough price in the guilt you're feeling... don't jeopardise your future and what's probably going to be a wonderful marriage and family over something that is no longer relevant... as I said before - it's not who you 'are', it's something you did and now it's over so it doesn't come into your relationship now. Just try and think what benefit will be achieved - will he be glad you told him? Probably not.- will he see your honesty as overriding the previous dishonest acts? Probably not.- will it strain your relationship and hurt him unnecessarily? You betcha.If you want to tell anyone, talk to a trusted mate or counsellor. At the end of the day, we all make mistakes. I could tell you some of mine and you're head would explode. Granted, what you've done is not great, but now you've learnt from it. Keep your secret, forgive yourself, put your energy into your relationship and start each day knowing that today is fresh -- it has no mistakes in it. All the best!
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
I honestly think from reading your post that you're really not ready to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone. Cheating once is bad enough, but four times really says to me that you are not ready to settle down.
You are going to get all kinds of answers telling you whether you should tell your boyfriend that you've cheated or that you shouldn't. But only you know your boyfriend. Would he want to know? Do you think he has the right to know? What about your feelings - if he cheated on you, would you want to know about it? You also have to ask yourself if there is anyone else who would tell your guy about what you've done. My point with that is it would be better that he hear it from you than find out from someone else. Being told that his girlfriend cheated on him - more than once - from someone else could leave him feeling humiliated and give him even more reason not to trust you if you try to salvage a relationship with him (as a friend or as a partner).
My personal feeling is that you should tell him and then let him know you're breaking it off with him so that he can move on. When I was younger, I was in the same position as you. I cheated on many of my ex boyfriends and deep down inside I knew that the relationships were a sham. BUT when I met my husband, I never even dreamed of cheating on him. If you've been together for four years with your boyfriend and you've cheated four times, are you sure that this is the guy you really want to be with? If so, I think he deserves to know - at least so he can decide if you are the one for him. And if you split, I still think you should tell him out of pure respect to him as a person. But, it's really your call.
Do what's best for you and your boyfriend. If you're serious about each other, you two could always attend couples counseling. That might help you work through the issues that seem to leave you craving more attention and will help him be able to trust you once you've let him know about what you've done.
But if you break up - it's not the end of the world. You can look at it as a fresh start, for the both of you. And if you stay together, then it seems like you really need to work on communication - tell him how you're feeling and find out how he feels, as well. Communication, honesty and trust are needed to form the foundation of a strong relationship. If you can rebuild that, then things should work out.
I know that this answer is pretty much open-ended, sorry. But like I said, you need to do what is right for the both of you.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten + ♥, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi
Heres how i look at things like this. IF by telling someone a secret it improves things for them, then i say tell them. IF its NOT going to improve their life in any way, then dont!
Yes you feel guilty, this shows you have a conscience, many dont! You know right from wrong. But that doesnt mean you make it easier by confessing to the guy you supposedly love.
If you were still doing it i would say let him move on to someone that can be faithful to him, but i think you should start seeing a counsellor and work through the guilt with them. You CANT ease your conscience on your boyfriend. It just doesnt work like that.
Unless you want out of the relationship of course.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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