A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello cupids, I have posted on this forum about being called proud. But I would like to remain anonymous right now. I am at the brink of breaking down as I type this. I have a strong personality and I am self reliant. I would not do what people say especially those who I think lead such bad lives and won't change. I have been called proud a lot of times and it bothered me a lot in the past but after a while I stopped letting it bother me.A few hours ago, I decided to ask a friend of mine what he thought of me being proud and he said I am. This has made me very sad. Why can't I change? Could this be genetic. I am very outspoken and have tried to shutup for a while now. But even my silence they say speaks volume. I really do not know what to do. I have extremely arrogant parents. Could this be the cause. Could it be what I learnt from home because I cannot see anything wrong with me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 December 2015):
 I agree with Cindy.
Nothing you mention in your updates makes me think you should take being called "proud" as a negative thing. Even if.. your family meant it as a negative thing.
I see nothing wrong in wanting nothing to do with someone who abused you in the past. That is not being "proud" in a negative way, but being smart.
As for your mother, not all women are good at being moms. Specially the kinds who stays with abusive partners or "allow" abuse by pretending it didn't happen.
I am a firm believer in not keeping negative people in my life. That goes with negative feelings too. WORK through them, if you can find a therapist and learn how to move past them so YOU can have a good life, and leave the negativity behind you.
And yes, you can be proud and have compassion, like Cindy said. Doesn't mean you have to ALWAYS be the one to give in.
I think your family have found that calling you "proud" was a way to take you down a peg and fall in line - so don't take their words as the universal truth. When you say "enough, I'm not your bank" it wasn't you being proud it was you putting your foot down - BIG difference. Standing up for yourself is a GOOD thing.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 December 2015):
 If all you report in your update is the actual exact truth ( I am not calling you a liar, OP, just stressing how there are always two sides in the story and we all can become a bit too attached to our view of a certain situation, dismissing or ignoring other people's views ....) then you have got nothing to change. You can be proud of ...being proud.
I think that proud and arrogant are two quite different things. As a matter of fact, I have always thought that being proud is a virtue, not a flaw !.
A proud woman won't chase after men who scorn her or abuse her. She won't stay in a workplace where she is unappreciated or disrespected, just because the salary is good. She won't compromise her standards to get social acceptance , she won't cave to social pressure to "fit in " or be "popular " ( like, instead, a non drinker who takes up drinking because all her social circle drinks ).
So, if you have not done anything for which you should apologize, and your conscience does not bother you about anything you have done, own your actions and keep being proud , no matter what people say. It makes sense that your mooching relatives would call you too proud ; they mean too proud for their convenience. If you were humbler, they would have less trouble mooching off you.
Of course you can be proud without being belligerant and confrontational. Being involved in this kind of family drama is painful and pointless too. Keep your distance, physically and emotionally, and refuse to be dragged in these dynamics.
One proviso though. You can be proud AND have compassion. You are very harsh toward your mother, and told her hard words. She may have been an inadequate parent, but keep in mind that probably this was never out of lack of love or concern for you. Simply, parents are supposed to know everything but in fact they are human beings and as such they can be very ignorant , like anybody else. Ignorant in terms of how to act right and live the right way, not in terms of books or schools. Maaany women in your mother's generation ( and later generations too ! ) have been trained to feel and believe that ALL that counts for a woman is her "love life " and having a companion ( or various companions ) and they'd go to great lengths to secure themselves this objective, ofter neglecting more important stuff, like being a good parent and a role model. But probably your mother was just doing the best that she could based on what she knew and believed . Unluckily it was not enough.
Then again, trying to understand and to show compassion - it is not the equivalent of kissing a** for the sake of making everybody happy.
So, if things are exactly as you stated ( again... not doubting your sincerity, but we only have your side of the story ) keep being proud and don't change anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your comments. Honeypie, well I was called proud but I think they all meant arrogant because they often use the term "too proud"An example of when I was told I have pride is when I refused to go for a meeting(called by my aunt who has never asked how I fare) at my abusers home(my ex father). I was called by almost the whole family that I must go and I told them I won't and I didn't. Why should I go back to that same house of sorrow but noone was willing to see my point. I might have done something nasty so I didn't go.Still on this issue, my refusal to go for that unproductive meeting made everyone in the family to call me proud and neglect me(well they have always done it the past) and I and my mum went into a heated argument and I told her exactly what she is a selfish, pretentious side chick who put herself before her children.Let me break this down, my mum dated married men before finally ruining her life with my father(also married) and for the fact she refuses to admit her mistake and make us priority in her life infuriates me. Well karma dealt her so many blows because she was kicked out of his house for a younger woman(the same things she did in the past). And I have been paying for her sins since I can remember. So she went about crying foul again to family members after she physically assaulted me. I was called once again to apologize. I told them I deserve the apology not her and the I was called proud again.I was duped by my own blood brother and when I found out, all he'll let lose. I was called proud again because I was expected to shut up because he is my older brother.All the things I have stated her are true and I am not pretentious, lieing or playing the victim. I have said the truth up there. These amongst many things. Another is I have carried the weight of my mum, brother and sister for too long, so I finally stop being their bank. My refusal to continue giving them money at my own expense has earned me another proud star. So many, I can't list them all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): I guess that the word 'proud' could mean a lot of different things to different people.Do people say you are too Proud to back down, too proud to admit when you are wrong,too proud to accept help?It all depends what context you refer to the word proud. You say you are a strong personality, and outspoken this can be a good thing if channelled into the right direction. The world needs people who are not afraid to speak out loud,these are the activists who change the world. If these people stayed quite and shut up, need i say anymore.Be proud of having a voice, and think about that word PROUD What context is it been used and how do you perceive that word, have you changed the word slightly. Channel your outspoken personality into somewhere that needs a voice, don't shut up,that would be you been untrue to your strengths.I used to be a gobby little shxxx when i was a youngster discovering my own voice, and i probably directed it in the wrong places and to the wrong people,serving no purpose.I now try and use my outspoken voice for people who need help, people with learning difficulties, mental health, health care, I push for change because i am not afraid to shout about 'the elephant in the room'. I was once called proud, arrogant,loud, obnoxious, etc etc and I decided to shut up for a while too, alongside all the others who stayed quite when somebody had to speak out. Be true to yourself. If your a gob shite, accept it, it may be useful one day.This is why you will break down, repressing your true self.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 December 2015):
 I showed my mom her natal chart after typing in her birthdate, year and time. The first sentence was, you are arrogantly proud. My mom said, fuck. She did not disagree.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud, provided you are more intelligent than most. I do think my mom is smarter than many people but not the smartest.
If your friend said you are proud, but in a good way, then maybe you won't feel so sad about it. A better word self assertive, self reliant, but proud has a cheeky sense to it. Don't try to change who you are, it would be fake. You have great parents who raised you to have high standards.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 December 2015):
What is exactly wrong in being proud?
I don't think it's genetic, it might be learned behavior - as my mom called it - monkey see, monkey do. (not calling yo a monkey, but yo get the gist I hope).
So if growing up with "arrogant" parents, have taught you that it IS OK for you to have your own opinion and stand for things that I really don't see a problem with it. If you think you are always right and always know better... then you are arrogant, not proud. Because let's face it, no one is right all the time.
Now there is a HUGE difference from being proud to being arrogant.
So maybe you need to check the definitions:
proud
adj. proud·er, proud·est
1. Feeling pleasurable satisfaction over an act, possession, quality, or relationship by which one measures one's stature or self-worth: proud of one's child; proud to serve one's country.
2. Occasioning or being a reason for pride: a proud moment when she received her diploma.
3. Feeling or showing justifiable self-respect: too proud to beg.
4. Filled with or showing excessive self-esteem: a proud and haughty aristocrat.
5. Of great dignity; honored: a proud name.
6. Majestic; magnificent: proud alpine peaks.
7. Spirited. Used of an animal: proud steeds.
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And then there is arrogant:
ar·ro·gant (ar'?-g?nt)
adj.
1. Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.
2. Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others: an arrogant contempt for the weak.
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Proud is mostly a positive term, arrogant, mostly negative. While they ARE synonyms they are perceived differently.
Having an opinion about things is not being proud or arrogant - it can be SEEN as arrogant if the person who is stating an opinion refuses to acknowledge that others MIGHT (and will) have another opinion from time to time and THAT this other opinion can be the "right" one from time to time as well.
Can you give an example of when people have called you proud?
And should you change? that comes down to how it affects you and your relationships.
Ask your friend to elaborate. It might give yo a fresh perspective as well.
Personally, I see NOTHING wrong in being a strong personality and self reliant.
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