A
female
age
36-40,
*by
writes:I have been dating a man for two years but he refuses to show me where he lives.he took me to visit jis family out of state; but he can't show me where he live in state.he tells me he lives with a family member.he get many excuses about the issues.he tells me he loves me and we started planning on getting married, but I see a red flag of not knowing much about him.please help me.should I consider that he tells me certain things later or he just playing the moment Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 November 2014):
 Hi
You've looked and found nothing?
His name is FAKE. Maybe not the first name, but the surname is more likely to be fake.
The job? Maybe it's because if you knew more about his job then you'd find his wife too. Could he work for his father in law and his wife is the rich daughter of the family he married into.
He IS ''fake'' and he has a lot to lose if you find out.
For your own self esteem I'd say get out of the relationship and get out now.
But I sense that you really want to know eho he really is. If you find out who he is then he could turn nasty.
So you had better play dumb. For your own safety.
Does he ever allow you and him to be photopgraphed together when you are on a date together? I think maybe not?
If you get to go away for a few days then pay a private dectective to take a couple of long range photos with the you and him together.
Aim to behave normally, exactly as you do now.
Say nothing about the photos.
Don't try to take a photo of him from your cell phone when he is in your home, as it might annoy him.
You would need to be very confident to dig further. And if you dig further it could anger him. Has he ever hit you? If yes then do NOT do any digging. Just leave the relationship for your own sake.
If you feel utterly confident about digging then do so very carefully. And stop any time it feels uncomfortable for you. Or if he starts to show anger or discomfort.
Your safety must come first.
But if you still want to try then you could try the following;
Ask him to elaborate on the following. He may tell you lots of lies. But there will be cells of truth in the pack of lies.
1. Ask him to tell you about the most challenging task he's ever had to do at work. And What made it especially challenging. Who made it very challenging.
What was the outcome?
2. Ask him about his first day at school, what did he remember about it. What did the school look like, where was it
Who was his first teacher. What was that teacher like. Who was his most favourite teacher and why.
3. When he took you to see ''family'' interstate what where their names (surname especially) and where did they live? That may give you some crucial names.
4. Ask him if he knows who is his earliest relative who emigrated to USA? Where did that relative first settle? What work did they do? Then go on to ancestry.com and see if the public member trees show that earliest relative - because if yes you should be able to go down to a whole lot of deceased relatives. Then search the obituaries at ancestry for the most recently deceased. There the obituary may list everyone, including the children of the one who died and spouse and children.
Though in all honesty I would refuse to take his calls and refuse to see him until he can tell you his full name, take you to visit his home and stay overnight at his home. Tell you where he works and show you his driver's licence. At that point he will know the relationship is over. The trust is gone. And from then on you may never see him ever again.
He has some secrets and he's afraid to be honest. Not the best way to start a relationship and suggests that he's sly, a liar and has something to hide. Thus most likely he's married and or in another relationship or two.
For your next relationship expect better and look for a guy who doesn't hide his real life from you.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 November 2014):
 Definitely married, especially if when you date, it's on a several day stretch. All he has to tell his wife is that he's out on a business trip, and voila - he's yours.
I'm also guessing he has more than one cell phone to throw his wife off the scent, especially if the one he uses for you is a flip phone or burner.
It would be interesting to see what his driver's license says. It's a snap to check if he's asleep and you're awake. Most guys aren't THAT careful. People go for phones and don't ever think about ID when it can say a whole lot more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2014):
 You can not find him? That sounds odd. It sounds like whatever DETAILS he has given you (name, hometown, date of birth/year) isn't the real truth.
Because no finding someone is near impossible in this day and age.
I have to agree he sounds VERY married, and VERY sneaky.
Taking a couple of days off and taking you out of town is DEFINITELY possible for MANY married men. That doesn't prove he is single.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2014):
 OH it sounds like he is married.
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A
female
reader, eby +, writes (7 November 2014):
eby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone. I spent money looking for him but I cannot gind him.he told me has to keep things private until we get married. He proposed to me once, I agreed to the proposal but it seems that he was only trying out.I know he is not homeless. He told me he has a high class job for which he has to protect himself.I affraid that his identity is real.our dates are often out off town.we go out for several days; but on certain holidays his tome is limited. I am worried that I am waisting my time
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 October 2014):
He has something to hide from you.
He has to live with another person who is old enough to remain in the home when he visits you. So he cannot be the single parent to a child under the age of 16.
1. Most likely he is married or in a relationship. Does he introduce you to his friends when their partners are present? If not it's likely he's married or in a relationship.
2. Does he have public outings with you in public places or does he prefer to visit you at your home? Red flags again, if he only visits you. Indicates that you are not number one in his relationship line up.
3. Of course he could be ashamed about something. Such as an alcoholic parent. Or a relative who is a hoarder and he does not want you to see the extent of the problem he lives with.
But if this was the case I feel after 2 years that he would have told you about such challenges.
3. He's homeless and exceptionally poorer than you ever imagined and lives in his car? Unlikely.
4. He feels his area is so much less appealing than your area that it bothers him and he does not want you to see the state of his home.
5. What about special holidays like Christmas and new year - do you see him for the whole day? Or does he have to rush off?
If he has lots of excuses then it's likely that he's needed at home on those days. Indicating a partner with higher rating in the pecking order than you.
6. Does he ever spend all weekend with you and stay overnight?
If he can never stay overnight, despite being together for 2 years, then he may have a partner.
7. Or there maybe something about his character that does not want you discover.
8. At least he says he lives with a family member. If he said he lived with no one then there were other possibilities about his living arrangements.
Any way you look at it, keeping you in the dark for 2 years about where he lives suggests that he does not feel that it is in his best interests for you to know where he lives. He does not trust you enough for you to know where. Why?
IF he has a partner do not plead with him. It only humiliates you and has no affect on a liar.
IF he has a partner and he's kept this charade going for 2 years he's a practised liar.
No point in discussing issues if he's a proven practised liar.
Put it down to experience and move on.
He may have done this to others before you and if yes then lies come out easily from his lips
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 October 2014):
Oh yeah! You can easily see where he lives at the sites Honeypie listed, as well as zabasearch.com and "reverse phone lookup" on some occasions.
You *do* realize that there are only two reasons he'd hide his address from you, and one of those reasons is extremely unlikely, like 1% unlikely.
The big reason is that he's either currently married or living with his girlfriend. He lives "with" a family member, no gender spoken of? Let me guess - it's his "sister" who shares the same last name? Heh.
I was on another online message board talking to a friend who was dealing with a similar situation. It took me checking the guy out on genealogy.com to figure out that his WIFE was into family trees and listed him, her, and their 5 kids living at the same address. Yes, he was still there, and he had the nerve to give her the whole "we're divorced in every way except on paper" song and dance when caught. I heard a rumor that his wife had zero idea about the "separation" when she was confronted, and that he made a huge scene trying to keep her from leaving.
The 1% other reason he might not show you his house, and I'm even considering this because you say you met his parents, which you'd think would know about a live-in girlfriend or wife....unless he lied to them and told them he "left" when he didn't...is that he's a hoarder. As in floor-to-ceiling trash/junk/messy landfill-proportion hoarder. You know, the kind that people usually find the homeowner's decaying body in after the neighbors call the police because of the stench because the hoard fell on him or her.
Do your research on his address, and also the address without his name to see if it pings other addressees there. If it's a house and not an apartment, do a property records search (usually free!) to find out who owns the house...usually all names of all owners are listed (husband and wife, or the partner's name, etc).
I doubt he's homeless or indigent...which could be found out if his IP address pinged to libraries or proxy sites or jumps around.
My money's on live-in partner.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 October 2014):
You don't have his address?
If you have his name, date of birth and the town/cityState he resides in you CAN (and I would suggest you DO) spend the $6-10 for a background check. Because it's not adding up.
http://www.instantcheckmate.com
https://www.peoplesmart.com
2 years and never seeing where he lives... is ridiculous.
You know in your gut that something is off, so why even consider marriage?
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