A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a brother in law and for 17 years he has disliked me from the very moment he laid eyes on me. I am a very likeable and confident, and id like to say hot girl lol i am hilarious and fun love to tell stories and make people laugh i dont have any enemies in truth, only him. He has over the years got very angry and shown his true colours by having to send flowers and apologise but still he goes back to his old ways of bullying and mental abuse like not talking to me and then saying inppropriate sexual degrading comments or simply shushing me when i speak, that my parents dont say anything because they have grandchildren and probably dont want to get on the wrong side of him. I am losing the plot now, tonight we all had a family dinner and his energy was so bad, gave me dirty looks at the table, no hi and he disappeared on purpose when i had to leave with my parents so he could avoid saying goodbye. He is one asshole that i want revenge for, because i am blaming my parents now that they should have stood up for me a long time ago, i dont have anyone on my side to defend me but trust me the whole family noticed it, including my sister but they all stay silent. What the hell can i do ?? My neices begged me to sleep over there tonight but i could not because of how bad the energy was i couldnt wait to get out of his house! ive tried to confront him many times but his answer is always the same 'i can honestly say i dont know what it is about you' i am this close to cutting the whole family off because nobody is sticking up for me and i am sick of this endless nastiness. Somebody please give me some advice.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 September 2018):
 After reading the post and all your updates all I have to say is outside of family events why would you even think about the issue? Sounds like you have to deal with him for a few days at a time then you go back home to whichever country you live in to continue your daily life, why would you be trying so hard to get revenge?
Bullying is never acceptable under any circumstances but trying to get someone back for how they’ve treated you is just as childish, if people want to be a dick then leave them to it. If he has treated you this way for so long then why are you so adamant to try and get along with him still? You know it’s never going to happen so what’s the point in trying? Just get on with your life.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 September 2018):
 To the Op, amazing how you have gone from "The only auntie in this group that is close to understanding this truthfully is honeypie and wiseowl" to "I think you are a very judgy person unlike all the other agony aunts who are way understanding".
You come on a public forum asking for opinions/advice based on what you have posted but people are not allowed to judge? For someone your age, you are remarkable naive. Not everyone is going to agree with you and say "there, there" just because you are "hot" and "hilarious".
I have never said anywhere that your BIL is right to bully you (although, as I have said, I would love to hear HIS side of this story). In fact I have said quite the opposite. I don't like drama queens or people who like to play the victim which is what your posts come across as to ME. Also I don't like liars or people who come on a forum asking for how to get REVENGE on family just because they feel family members should be sticking up for them. (I would also love to hear your family's side of this story. I wonder how they would feel if they knew you were posting on a public forum, asking for ideas on revenge?)
You are not even living in the same country as your BIL. You only have to see him occasionally. You have a right to hate him, as much as he has a right not to love you. To be frank, I am beginning to get an inkling of WHY you may rub him up the wrong way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is to 'ucannot be serious" no just because i lied about my age here to protect my identity does not mean i lied about anything else at all. I think you are a very judgy person unlike all the other agony aunts who are way understanding and i'm sure they can agree that no matter what age anyone is even if i was 80 years old doesnt give anyone the right to treat u badly especially after a long period of time its going to upset anyone in family matters. Im a human being and i have feelings and I really want to get along with my brother in law despite what you might think. So please keep ur opinions to urself!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (23 September 2018):
Just seen your other update. So you lied about your age. Well, considering he has allegedly been acting this way for 17 years, I assume you are even older than your profile age. You really need to start acting your age.
He is what he is. That is not going to change. The only thing you can change is your reaction. If he is half the bully you allege (as you have lied about one thing, it is likely you have lied/exaggerated about more), he must be laughing his backside off that he is at least in part the reason you left the country. No matter what sort of an idiot he is, do you not think your reaction is a bit over the top? Especially for someone who is probably in her 40s?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to all those who helped!! Today was a victory with him ur so right about not needing revenge, I was sooooo angry yesterday and hurt my parents blaming them. Now i realised this is a battle totally to kill with kindness, wiseowl u are a genius with all what u said, today my neices, (his 3 kids) who we absolutely laugh and adore each other today i was on good form and we were in absolute hysterics and he hated it!!!! i saw his face, he was squirming!! i still cant understand how or why any man could act like this but whatever, if its working its working. Today my family loved being around me and today i had the power and he didnt, right until the very end!! of course he'll be dying to get the power back , on the last meal tomorrow day!!!! omg this is scary what i think he will do for revenge after i weakened him today lol today i barely looked at him and that must have driven him even more mental. aaaaah haaa ur so right he has shown me that he will never like me, although he's still happy to take me out for meals and pay for me as that gives him power to pay for me and then belittle me. wow what a twat he is! i mustnt get too cocky with this though because one day im strong and other days im weak and as u can see it really really upsets me what he does, so i got to play this well for my future with my sister and my amazing neices. thanks everyone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2018): My dad just died and my brother-in-law had the nerve to tell me as I was breaking down in tears, that I made some very bad decisions lately and was a disappointment to my dad!!! Can you believe that? So, don't worry, there are just as bad, if not worse brother-in-laws out there! I politely informed him my dad loved me unconditionally, even when I made wrong choices. And that I was his favourite so I could do no wrong. And that I made my peace with him. None of which are any of his business!! But I did stand my ground! And I always will! One time my BIL and brother were gay bashing George Michael when he died. I got so pissed because a man just died!! Who gives a fuck what his sexual orientation was? And they were saying mean things. I told them his family and friends, his parents, and fans are grieving. And that him losing his life was tragic and sad. He was still relatively young. They didn't like that I pointed out their cruel inhumanity and lashed back at me. But hey, I will stand up for people and things that I feel I need to stand up for. No exception here. So, big fight. Me and the two guys. But I have no regrets. Sometimes these people need to be reminded they are, in fact, assholes, and to be put in their place.Such people like him are internally broken. extremely insecure. Disappointed with themselves. And likely they were ignored in childhood. I can understand broken if broken tries to do some introspection and fix themselves through therapy and self realization. But broken being broken and doing nothing about it and acting out and hurting others because you are fucked up is never an excuse for treating people this way. I think narcissism may be a factor. But I also think he is broken. Perhaps through past life experience or childhood. People don't just become this way. Unless we are talking a clinical diagnosis of some kind.I have always had to deal with similar "abuse" growing up. I am the first born of 5 kids. Always a well known fact I was daddy's favourite. Everybody knew it but it was left unspoken most of the time. I believe my siblings in some way resented me growing up because of my birth order. As if I can control that? Or the way my dad felt? Sorry, but I couldn't control that kind of a thing. It wasn't so much four of my siblings as it was the second born sister. She seemed to always compete with me. Always tries to put me down. TO THIS DAY. I have never had to compete for anyone's attention. Being first means being exempt from this. But you can see her grand standing in a room full of relatives, trying so hard to win the approval of anyone and everyone. Not me. I am me. I don't have to seek out your approval. Like me or don't. Your choice. Again, my attitude is engrained because I never had to do anything to command attention. I just got it without doing a thing. So, I think my sister always felt as if she was in my shadow. And honestly, it hurt me and keeps hurting me that even though we love each other, there is definitely a little bit of a wall there because of that. And it is on her part. I just react. My mom had me and then had her 14 months later. It was accidental. They were NOT planning to have her. And I am trying to figure out myself how to deal with the constant put downs and grand standing in my presence. I just hate it to be honest. And I take it. I stand back. I try to let it slide. But it is still very hurtful. I never put her down. I never centre her out in front of people and say nasty things. She does. In fact, she says nasty things about lots of people. Constantly. Including her own mother in law. The poor woman has depression. But she calls her stupid and goes on about how much she hates her! By the way, the brother-in-law who said those nasty things to me is HER HUSBAND! Are you surprised? So, not only do I have sibling resentment but it now extends to their spouses!!! When will it ever end?So, please take comfort in knowing you are not alone. I have dealt with it by removing myself from family functions altogether. We are coming together more because we are mourning the loss of my dad. He died Sept. 11 of this year. :( But it is still hard. Because now in her grief, my sister is grand standing even more. But, like always, I step back. I find that if you say things or speak the truth, you can get into arguments. Usually it is because you point out things about people they don't want to hear or did not realize about themselves. So, what do you do? Sit there and be a martyr? It is very complicated when it is family. With friends you can cut them off. But family is much more difficult. And it also hurts more when it's family. Because they are closest to us and know all the buttons to push. Sometimes they make me feel like less. And nobody should ever be made to feel like less.So, my advice would be to remove yourself from situations you need to see him. And if you need to see him, happily interact with the family members you love. And be yourself. Be cheery. Be strong. And block him off. I mean mentally and physically. If he talks to you, answer in one word or in a way that you are brushing him off. Continue to do it. You need to keep repeating the behaviour until he gets it. And until you feel good about you. You will not tolerate him anymore. You are there for your family and not for him.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (23 September 2018):
Stop acting the victim. You are an adult (if your profile age is correct), not a helpless "girl" as you keep trying to make out.
Surely your best "revenge" is to be happy and learn to ignore what this controlling man does/says? You can't control what other do or say, but you CAN choose how you react to it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2018): You wont want to hear this bit but .... you are an adult, your parents probably think they shouldnt have to stick up for you now as you are an adult ,saying that he is playing very childish games so play them with him and make him look a bigger a******e . he tells you to shush then flap your hand in the air as to say go away what ever im saying my bit , you know hes going to get up and leave just before you leave to go home so get up before announcing youre leaving and ignore him look in his direction as tho hes a piece of poo and its in the middle of someones dinner and youre disgusted . if he ever calls over with flowers to say sorry ,look at him like ' seriously youre so immature and you have been told to send flowers and say sorry ' ' really' adult male ! pathetic . Dont accept the flowers or his apology thatll soon kick up a fuss and you can fully express what and how you feel and this time people should listen. If all fails just tell your sister straight you dont get on with her husband but will accept him for her and the childrens sake and the less time you spend in his company the better and if she doesnt like it tell her youre being honest and wont ever lie to her face you wouldnt say it unless you had to . good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): Nothing you can do can change a narcissist. You can only outwit them. They are a legend in their own minds, a vision to behold, and consider themselves god's gift to the world.
A good strategy might be to let him make his nasty comments and give his dirty looks. His point is to intimidate you, and make you feel bad. He has had a lot of practice over the years. One thing I do get about you, you're a tough-one! You haven't backed-down; you still go to visit your sister and her kids. GOOD! He's trying to isolate them from the family.
As I said before; don't turn against your own family, because of him. If they are intimidated by him, apparently you're not. You're just tired of his behavior, and you just want to get along. He has been trying to show you that will never happen; and he gets pleasure from seeing your discomfort and making you squirm. He's trying to break your loving-hold over your sister and nieces; because in his twisted-mind, it weakens his. He doens't like sharing! It scares him; because they are the only people in his life who give him unconditional-love. You're a threat!
Develop an immunity to his provocations and intimidation.
Just give him a smirk, and treat him like a bratty-child.
Ignore him like he's invisible. That's your best revenge; to prove no matter what, your love for your sister and your nieces is stronger than anything he can do or say.
He's jealous of the love and attention you receive from his daughters and your sister. His own relatives aren't as loving towards him. Even when he comes down on you; you comeback all the same to see your loved-ones. Keep it up, you're already getting your revenge.
Kill him with kindness! Like I said; treat him like a bratty little boy. It may take time to see any results; but bullies only have power when you give it to them. Stand your ground, and be courageous. Just like you've been doing. Only, show no fear; or let his insults get to you. It's been 17 years, he's got to run-out of material!
Bullying feasts on fear, narcissists need narcissistic-supply. Meaning, the narcissists gains power through crushing your spirit, intimidation, demeaning, and degrading you. They become dazed and confused when you develop an immunity; and no longer cave-in under their weight.
Dig-in your heels. Invite your sister and her little brood out and have some fun. Love them in spite of your brother-in-law. In time, he will see you're growing too strong to bash and belittle. He may never like you; but he will learn to respect you. You can even tell him that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand yes i lied about my age group because i wanted to be more anonymous here i'm paranoid about online information shared. I dont live with my parents i live in another country, im not joking but one of the many reasons i moved away from england was because of him breaking my soul and making family life difficult for me. Sad as it may be, this is true. So right now i am here for my mum's big bday celebrations and i have 2 more dinners to get through and I dont know how i will get through this without losing my temper and calling him a c*cksucker or something lol. I still think my parents should have said something to him they know he's doing this and he once sent flowers to my parents address to apologise to me. Ive told him countless times to his face when hes been rude , that makes no difference, and i try ignoring him, and that makes no difference either, i find it too hard to ignore, im not a fake person, im a person that needs to deal with situations and let things out, and i do find it hard to ignore negative energy i dont know why. yes to pretend he's not in the room would be amazing but i find it too difficult to do that.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 September 2018):
 So this guy is used to pushing people around and not giving a crap about them, even his own siblings...
What a total dinkus!
I'd stop trying to be nice and just ignore him. If you don't HAVE to be around him, don't. And when you do, focus on everyone else in the room but him.
Revenge will get you nowhere. It will just show him that he has "won" in getting you to be as big of a douche as he is. Know what I mean? So stop playing his games.
He is used to people trying to be nice to him. And he gets pleasure from having power over them, don't be one of his sad minions.
Take some deep breaths and consider this... While he IS your sister's husband, and your nieces dad... YOU don't owe him squat, not even being nice.
So if he is rude at dinner just roll you eyes and go back to ignoring him. And keep that up. He won't like that ONE bit. Because he is USED to even his sibling having to "kiss his bum" at work. Well, you don't work for him and really besides from being your BIL he is no one to you. At least no one you need to try and be nice to or impress.
FOCUS on the people in your life who MATTERS. (he doesn't). FOCUS on the good people, the positive ones. The ones who don't ooze all this spiteful bitterness, like him.
You will find that life will bring good people and "bad" ones around, your job is to not let the "bad" ones ruin you or other good ones.
Decide if you want him to maintain "power" over you or not. If not, then just think of him as a sad sack of manure whom you CAN ignore even if he stinks.
"Living a good life really is the best revenge, once they acknowledge that they cannot ruin your happiness, they lose their power."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): Sounds to me some women can’t take a confident woman. I posted my accomplishments and got a very similar response so ignore the projection. He sounds jealous. There’s nothing wrong in being comfy in your own skin. You’re also pretty angry so I think you’re just venting. I would just avoid him. Maybe your revenge can be ignoring him back or leaving until his visit is over. I’m guessing he met you as a child since you’ve known him 17 years. I’m curious how he treats your sister when no one is around. Don’t get revenge. He’s not worth the trouble bc of you get caught, you are going to look like the biggest asshat of all. Be a lady. Don’t stoop to his level.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): It is not clear from your post if you are living with your parents or not but I would say either way avoid him and tell your sister you will not be around when he is around. Just ignore him and as honeypie says stand up to him and give him s*** whenever he is nasty to you that soon will let him know his place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only auntie in this group that is close to understanding this truthfully is honeypie and wiseowl, so thanks for your comments. The reason why it bothers me is because my mum and dad are both a bit afriad of him, he is a very strong character and hes very much all about money and power and there is something about me that makes him feel uncomfortable, whatever that is. My sister told me that he doesnt treat his own brothers and sisters with respect, after all, they all worked for him in his company and he treated them like second class citizens,thats the way he is. Of course its okay for someone not to like you i get that u cant be liked by everyone but he is my brotherinlaw and he should make an EFFORT as i do to be nice. As you said he gets pure enjoyment out of rubbing me up the wrong way so that from my perspective is sick! and thats why i want revenge because he is a pathetic man trying to put a girl down for no reason.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 September 2018):
 Personally I wouldn't be seeking any sort of revenge tactics because it says more about you than anything else. No satisfaction in people thinking your a vengeful bitch. I would confront him again but not with the goal of seeking some sort of understanding from him. He enjoys rubbing salt into your wounds each time by his comments that he just doesn't know what it is about you that ticks him off. Instead I would keep it short and simple like " I cant believe I let someone like you get under my skin for so long when reality is your just a dick and the feeling is mutual"
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reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (22 September 2018):
When I read this:
"I am a very likeable and confident, and id like to say hot girl lol i am hilarious and fun love to tell stories and make people laugh i dont have any enemies", my first thought was that you come across as someone who thinks they are God's gift to mankind. Apologies if that is a bit harsh but, if someone describes themselves using words like "hot" and "hilarious", MY immediate reaction is to want to bring them down a peg or two. While it is ok for OTHER people to describe you using adjectives like that, describing YOURSELF in that vocabulary gives the impression you are completely in love with yourself. I suspect this MAY be the reason your BIL has a problem with you but either doesn't know how to vocalize it or just chooses not to. I would love to hear HIS side of this story.
Stating you have no enemies but him sounds like you feel entitled to people liking you. Let me tell you, NOBODY is loved by EVERYBODY. You will always be disliked by SOME people. Live with it. It's part of being an adult.
Dirty looks never hurt anyone. Stop looking at him and you will not see the dirty looks. As for silence treatment, if he is nasty to you when he speaks to you, then surely silence treatment is preferable? He does not HAVE to talk to you. If everyone else loves you, as you imply, then that should be enough for you. Or do you now see him as a challenge, the ONE person in your family who is not a "fan"?
I also get the impression you might be someone who exaggerates a little - possibly for effect? I mean, has he REALLY disliked you for 17 years? How old were you when he met you? No older than 12, if your profile age is correct. He disliked you from that age?
As for the rest of your family standing up for you, perhaps they understand why he has a problem with you? Do you tend to monopolize conversations and enjoy the sound of your own voice because you think you are "hilarious"? Also, you are an adult. You don't sound like a "retiring violet" type personality. Quite the contrary. You sound OVER-confident. Your family obviously do not think they NEED to stand up for you as you seem more than capable of fighting your own corner.
Sexual degrading comments are obviously unacceptable and you should shoot him down every time he exhibits that sort of behaviour, something you sound quite capable of doing.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but it is the impression I got from your post. As I said, I would love to hear your BIL's side of the story. Even better, I would love to be a fly on the wall in one of your family gatherings to see what REALLY goes on. Perhaps if you tone down your own "hilarious" behaviour, you might find your BIL more amenable?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): Ask for your sister's permission for your nieces to have a sleepover at your place. If you have one. If you live with your parents; it's a two-for-one deal. Have them over for a sleepover; and there is no way your BIL can say no. You can pick them up and take them out for movies, treats, or just to hangout together. Is your BIL home 24/7?
Now about your dick of a brother-in-law. Chances are, you remind him of somebody he hates. You may unfortunately be a dead-ringer, and all you do is bring-back the worst memories of his life. Not your fault, but some people are weird like that.
When in his house, you have to be polite. You're there for your sister and your nieces; and I advise you to ignore him like he ignores you.
Your parents and sister pay it no mind; because it's between him and you. Best solution, kill him with kindness and ignore his snarks and dirty looks. You're much too grown-up to be so antsy; because somebody doesn't like you. Welcome to reality! Some people don't like you for no apparent reason; and don't mind letting you know. One monkey don't stop no show. You're visiting your sister and her kids. If he doesn't like that, obviously he hasn't done anything to stop it.
He's your sister's husband. He doesn't have to like you, just respect you and treat you decently. If he doesn't, then don't come to his house.
Then there are a few unanswered questions. We don't get to ask him why he doesn't like you?
Have you and your sister ever had a major falling-out? She may be behind the scenes bad-mouthing to him about you. He's her husband, and she tells him everything. He may feel you did her dirty. He just may not like your brand of humor or your jokes. You have a right not like him, and he has the right not to like you.
You may have made an off-color remark that he overheard; or someone could have walked-back to him. He may have started-out just teasing you; but you took offense, and he's tired of you making him out to be a bully in-front of his kids and your sister. He's been picking on you since you were about 9? Seems like it has become a family-tradition!
You don't plot revenge on your sister's husband without offending your sister; who will turn against you. Why would you come here to DC asking us to advise you how to hurt somebody else? That's not what we do here. We try to help you repair relationships; or get out of them when they are too toxic to stay. Vengeance is not our thing here.
Just the fact you'd want to do something bad to your own sister's husband raises the question, if you're as innocent as you're claiming to be? I suspect something happened awhile back that you may have forgotten. What you thought to be benign, but he took as vicious. Maybe he does see something in you he feels uncomfortable about; after-all, you are around his kids and his wife. Accusing him of sexually-inappropriate commentary!
Maybe you ought to visit when you know he's not home. I suggest you slow your roll about getting revenge on your brother-in-law; just because he snubs and ignores you.
You accuse him of making inappropriate degrading comments of a sexual-nature. In the presence of your parents, his wife, and the kids? This is okay with the entire family?
Why do I sense some embellishment or exaggeration going on here? I just don't see him getting away with all that for 17 years! If he was so horrible, I don't see why you'd come to his house.
If he makes sexually-inappropriate remarks only when you're alone with him; nothing like a good slap! Not being alone with him is even better. Just be careful about accusations you can't substantiate. You'll turn your sister against you in your plot to seek revenge. Vindictiveness can backfire.
Make sure you don't turn everyone on you, thinking you're doing them harm. You're an adult. Your parents don't have to protect a grown-woman.
Cutting-off the whole family is foolish and makes no sense. That's cutting off your nose to spit your face. Because your brother-in-law doesn't much care for you. They can't force him to like you.
Just stay away from him; and invite your sister and her kids to visit with you. Avoid him and things will be fine.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 September 2018):
So, unless you put in the wrong age group he's hated you since birth?
Regardless. I'd tell your sister AND your parents that you are going to take a break from being around him as you feel he is toxic.
If that means you see your sister and the nieces - and your parents SEPARATELY from him then SO be it.
Wanting revenge because this ONE person doesn't like you.. it makes no sense. HE IS ALLOWED to not like you. HE IS ALLOWED to be an asshat. He is even ALLOWED to give you dirty looks... it's NOT like you OR your parents (or sister) can control this guy.
If someone shushes you when speaking just inform him calmly that: "you weren't talking to him so he can pipe down and leave the room if he doesn't want to hear what you have to say."
If he says "inappropriate sexual degrading comments " TO YOU - remind him that HIS kids are in the room (if they are - and if they are not simply state that you don't want to listen to garbage then stand up and leave. KEEP doing that.
This guy is ENJOYING tormenting you. I feel SO bad for your sister. She is after all MARRIED to that man!
You family might not want to stick up for you for MORE than just the kids. Maybe they feel you are being a little to oversensitive? It's really hard to know as we only get YOUR side of the story.
But I don't think you can blame your family for HIS actions. You are a grown woman and obviously perfectly capable telling this twat to stuff it.
The thing is... he KNOWS how to get under your skin, he knows which buttons to push and he finds it IMMENSELY funny to drive you up the wall.
SO FREAKING what that he doesn't want to say goodbye to you? Why would you even WANT him to?
OP, take a break from family events that involve him. IF you family wants to see you make it when HE isn't around.
You can't change someone because you WANT them to change. Neither can your sister OR your parents. He is an asshat because he wants to BE one. That isn't going to change.
Don't give him all this power over you.
As for "revenge"... do you want to be like him?
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