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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello.I have been in a rough relationship for 10 years. You dont realise how bad things are when you are trying to please the man you love, until its too late.He is a very insecure self centred controlling man. as a result, I have become a virtual prisoner in my own home. I have no social life or go out other than to do the weekly food shop, where I am shadowed as I buy.Its the classic case of the little boy with the big mouth syndrome, trying to cover his inadequacies.Im not saying that I am perfect, far from it, but as time passes, he is belittling me, criticising everything I do for him and has a general negative attitude to everything about me and its getting worse. I do not work as he is worried that I might meet someone and leave him. He hounded me out of the job I had when I first met him as he didnt approve of my choice of employment. Im here to look after him and be his slave and 'mother'. He is a law unto himself and has no fear of any legal procees and will refuse to abide by anything decree'dHe is Alf Garnett/Victor Meldrew/Grant and Phil Mitchell all rolled into one.The house we live in is mine from my former marriage. but he pays for everything. I have no income at all. The house is on an interest only mortgage, which means I still owe the same amount as when the house was first bought. He hasnt actually contributed to getting the original amount lowered.I really dont want him living here anymore and I am not sure of what the rules are these days regarding getting him out. When he arrived he had literaly a holdall with dirty clothes. In my mind he should leave with the same. (though I might wash them first)I have tried many times over the years, but he refuses to go. Admittedly I depend on his income and didnt force the issue, but now my circumstances are about to change and I wont need his money, which sounds rather mercenary.I just want him out so that I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace...what do i do?
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (8 May 2006):
 As a former housing officer and now clinical psychologist I will give you the following advice. Call your local Women's Aid group for some social support - they have a freephone number on their website and can offer lots of tips. It doesn't sound like you are married to this guy so the legal situation is a little less complicated. Technically his behaviour counts as domestic violence even if he hasnt physically touched you as the definition is broad and includes emotional control, verbal abuse, intimidation and his perceived intent towards you etc.
As long as your name is on the deeds, and you are not married then the house remains yours. You should contact the local police station to report him for domestic violence/ trespass if he is being abusive and controlling towards you as a really important first step. You can ask him to leave but if he won't go then you should report him to the police who can escort him off the premises particularly if you stress to them how menacing he is being towards you. Of course you will need to arrange a prompt change of the locks but if you are no longer in a physical relationship with the man then in the law he is merely your lodger (with very few housing rights - you don't need to serve him notice like a tenant in a separate property). However, you should write down your request that he leave, date it and keep a copy for legal reasons. If he causes you trouble then the police can arrange an injunction against him through the courts to keep him away, or deal with him if he breaches it. Since he has only paid mortgage interest - that could be construed as merely contributing to the general household bills and he has no real claim on your home. With the police on board, you need to go to the local DSS office to claim housing benefit (you get interest payments for the mortgage in some circumstances). If you can show evidence that you are now financially independent from your ex-partner then you will stand a better chance of getting financial support and the police can help with a report of domestic violence. Most councils have special schemes for dealing with domestic violence issues and can offer you some good advice if you can track down your local one. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (7 May 2006):
 Get advice from a solicitor or Citizens Advice Bureau you can talk to them over the phone initially.
This man apart from supporting you on general income is demeaning you the whole time and I know what it is like to live in a relationship where your partner controls everything. I did that for almost 20 years and I have a 5 year old daughter from that relationship.
I still work with my ex daily as we have a business together and our home but he lives elsewhere. Believe me I would prefer the business to be elsewhere as would he but due to money restraints that is just not possible at the moment.
Start to claw back your independence.
If your man works what is stopping you going out when he is at work and seeking the legal advice you need. As you don't work you may be entitled to all sorts of different income support and possibly legal aid.
I think in this situation you are going to have to tell some white lies so that you can seek the advice you need.
Do you have family and friends who can support you and be there for you when it comes to the crunch of getting him out of the house.
If your house is just in your name then he has no legal rights to your house although as you have lived as a common law couple I am not 100% certain of the entitlements on either side. Check out your rights first of all.
Do you have children together? If not I think the break will be easier but if you do then there will be issues surrounding any children and again these need to be looked into.
Start to make yourself stronger mentally and emotionally and keep telling yourself that there is a better life than the one you are living at the moment.
There is light at the end of the tunnel so just keep believing it.
Let me know how you get on if you get a chance eh!!
BFN
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