A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone!!!!I really need help.I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago after a 3 year relationship.Throughout these 3 years I don't think I was ever in love with her. Although I always told her I was. Although I had never been in love before so I thought maybe it would grow. I did however care for her tremendously and did love her. Just felt like I wasn't 'in love' with her.I ended things with her for my own personal reasons that have nothing to do with any of this. She understood my reasons and the split was initially amicable. We stayed in contact for the first couple of days loosely. Just general chit-chat. However my ex found out from friends that I was never in love with her. (We have mutual friends and I stupidly confided in a few of them). She was devastated when she found that out. Accused me of using her for 3 years. She has since cut off all contact from me. Although I can still see what she is up to from pictures our friends put up of her on facebook (literally hundreds ever week). At first I was really happy with the split. I wanted to be single again and do things I wanted to do etc. But it's been over nearly 2 months now, and I am starting to really miss her. I think about her all day, dream about her at night. I get extremely jealous if I see a picture of her on facebook with even a random guy in the background. I miss talking to her, miss her texts, miss the silly faces she makes - everything.I think I have realised that I am in love with her. Now, I know your all probably thinking that I don't. That I just miss being in a relationship. But i've had several chances with girls since we split, but I cant bring myself to even go on another date because all I can think about is her. It's so bad that I even found myself crying all day yesterday. I'm not an emotional person and hardly ever cry. I'm down all the time now and can't even bring myself to eat.Is it possible that you can realise that you love someone when you lose them? I thought it was only a myth.I want to contact her and tell her my feelings and that i'm sorry but I can't bring myself to. A part of me thinks I should let her get on with her own life and maybe i'm not good for her after the way I treated her. She is a very independent woman and from what iv'e heard is moving on with her own life and i'm afraid she won't want me back now. I know I have been a massive fool, an idiot. The way I treated her the last couple of months in our relationship was despicable. I gave her no attention, made her cry in arguments, hardly spoke to her. I don't now if I was doing that because I was pushing her away because I knew I had to break up with her. (Again for very personal reasons that have nothing to do with her).But I honestly feel like I can't live without her - it's tearing me apart.What should I do? Please help.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (4 November 2013):
 Thanks for the follow up. My advice based on what you have said is to others is a similar situation. Before you decide to break up because you don't want to chance a LDR, talk to your partner first. Explain everything, there may be options you haven't even thought of.
FA
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Hi everyone, i am the OP!!!!
The reason i broke up with my girlfriend was because my father is ill and i needed to be with him as he has no one else to look after him. The thing is he lives in Australia where i am from and my girlfriend and me lived in England. I had been thinking about it for a couple of months and thought it would be best if we broke up as i don't know how long i would be there and i didn't think a LDR would be fair t either of us.
I think i was horrible to her in the last couple of months because i knew i was leaving and was trying to make it easier on myself. Selfish i know.
But i am so heartbroken that i am even considering coming back to England or asking her to move to Australia.
I didn't break up with her as i was unhappy. In fact quite the opposite. I was very happy. I just always doubted my feelings. But i have had break up's before and been dumped by girls i have really liked before, but i have never felt this way after a break up.
I think i am a massive idiot and maybe she does deserve better. I am going to do what you all said and leave it for a while. See if my feelings change. And i have NO intention of dating anyone else at the moment. Like i said before, i have had chances with other girls but i'm honestly not interested.
Thank you all for your help!!1
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): Hi. You treated her badly,and now you realise what you have lost. Let her move on with her life completley. Leave her alone. Maybe next time you meet a nice girl, you will look after her better. .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): You just miss the relationship. By your own account you treated her very badly in the final months - you would not have done that if you really loved her. Now you've heard she's getting on with her life - another sign to you that life has moved on, that can make you nostalgic for the fast. Nostalgia is the key here - reality is very different. You could try contacting her, expressing regret etc but not unless you are 100% sure of your feelings as it would not be fair to change your mind again, (but be prepared for a total rebuff).
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (1 November 2013):
Whenever I hear or read "I was in a relationship for x years but I realized I never loved her/him" I become very suspicious. The human mind is a very devious creature, it will do anything to protect it's ego. Whatever it does it want's to be right, even if it has to alter all the memories of the past to justify the present.
I don't know how much help this will be to you, but it may help you and her to understand what has happened and the nasty things you have said. You intended to break the relationship for your own reasons. You had decided to do it a few months before it happened. The relationship was keeping you from something else you wanted. At the point you made that decision you had weighed the value of her vs. the value of what you wanted and she came up short. From that point on your ego started to manufacture excuses for what you were about to do. You began to reshape your reality into a nice place where you were not guilty of hurting her.
Fortunately, although it hurts, you have moved out of that mental fog. The self deception is fading and you are accepting what you have done. That is good, you need to stay as close to reality as you can.
You ask, what should you do? There are 2 things that should guide your decision. First you broke it and she doesn't want you back. Even if she understood all the psycho babble above, she has moved on. Second, you already decided, before you started fooling yourself, that this freedom was more valuable to you than your relationship with her. That hasn't changed. Yes the cost is high, and you will pay every farthing, buy you decided when you were thinking rationally to do this.
I second Cerberus' excellent advice to finish grieving. Also his advice to avoid romantic entanglements until you stop needing her.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): OP while it's not exactly a myth for everyone you were with her 3 years, you'd know if you were "in love" with her, it's unmistakable.
This is honestly just part of the breaking up process. I laughed when I saw this because it's so true.
http://www.ffunny.com/uploads/2013/01/13670_288738511249047_1379254194_n.jpg
The reason I show you that is because what you're going through is normal and part of the process. It doesn't mean you're in love with her. It just means you're human.
Most of time I've dumped women I've had to deal with the joy and feeling of freedom at the start become a vicious grieving process and sense of loss.
The whole you don't know what you have... phrase means exactly that.
OP you just got lulled into a false sense of security by the fact you felt relieved but now are dealing with the emotional consequences. You're not in love with her OP, you're in love with the idea of her. The idea that she was the best thing to ever have happened you because you feel so shit now. That's normal, it suck balls and it hurts like a bitch but it's part of the process. This is just a delayed reaction to the break up.
You need to do your best to move on, you need to eat, cry, talk to your friends, block her facebook and get to a point where you can think clearly and with a level head.
You wanted out of that relationship, you deliberately sabotaged it to get out of it. That reason still exists, and that's not being "in love" OP.
It's what us experienced old-timers call a rebound. This is the classic rebound OP. That's all.
Best of luck man, there is no worse feeling in the world. Tough it out, keep eating, exercising and get busy. Don't go near another woman until you're over her, they don't deserve to be used as a rebound.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I've been in your boat and the fair thing to do is to give it more time apart and make certain that this is in fact how you feel. You have already hurt her unintentionally, let's say you do get back together and another month in you remember the reasons you broke up with her to begin with and change your mind yet again.
So in a few weeks if this is still the case for you, I might make a gesture - send her flowers with a note explaining that you did love her and that you still do and would like to prove it to her. Maybe reference a song that gets to you about the break-up...like Passenger Let Her Go.
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