A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear community,currently, I'm in a relationship with a girl (19. I'm really in love with her and I strongly believe that she's too. But there's this one thing that keeps bothering me the whole time. During the time her previous relationship (3 years) was nearing it's end, she had sex with another guy. I know him and I find him disgusting, I can't stand him, his look and character. I knew him from my class we've attended for three years. I can't get over the fact that she had sex with him, can't get these pictures out of my heaad. I have no problem with her and her ex-bf's sexual past but this "affair" with this specific guy kills me. Is this a normal reaction or am I simply insane? What can I do to get over it?The worst thing about is that this happenend during the time where she texted me a lot, where she proposed meetings with me and during the time where feelings developed on my side. It happenend during the time where I had the feeling that she's really interested in me and now I'm feeling like I'm just her 'second choice' and that I was interchangeable back then.PS: It's probably worth mentioning that my gf and this guy don't have any contact anymore.
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her ex, sex with another, sexual past, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 So you wanna get together with a girl who cheats on her boyfriends? That's the bigger problem here.
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (22 July 2013):
 When I read your question I had pretty much exactly the same thoughts as You Wish. She cheated on her boyfriend, who cares who she cheated with?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): If its immature to want a woman whose judgment I respect then you can call me extremely immature.
I dont understand why its wrong to want a woman who has exercised good judgment with her relationships and her own body.
I expect a woman to judge me on EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, sexual and otherwise. Its not wrong, its common sense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2013): Just start things from scratch. Maybe time will ease your obsession about her past involvement with that guy. But do you and me a favor. Don't use the word "love" until you actually mean it.
Say you love her when her past doesn't matter. When you can move forward and focus your thoughts on only you and her. Not her and him.
Otherwise, you are "fond" of this girl. She has a past and you're not mature enough to get over it. She didn't sleep with "your" approved choice of partners. She didn't know ahead of time that one day she'd be with you, and you'd be disgusted about her having sex with him.
Dude...really???
Are you sure you're not the 19 year-old?
Man, life is too short. This girl can probably have any guy she wants. Not that you want, I remind you.
You are her choice. She is still a girl, and can't even get into a club or order alcohol without getting carded. You're acting like some jealous adolescent boy who just can't get past the fact she had sex with a certain person you don't like.
I'm going to come down hard.
GET OVER YOURSELF!!! You better treat her good, and you better let her go; if you're not man enough.
She can't reverse the past. Maybe she wouldn't approve of every woman you've slept with. It's always the woman who has to deal with this nonsense. She has to be pure and perfect. While the guy can be any sort of two-legged skank he wanted, in his past. It's the 21st century!
Let bygones be bygones, and love for the present and the future.
You had a head-start on maturity in this relationship.
Now prove it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2013):
 I personally would have s lot more of a problem with the fact that she cheated on her boyfriend with the guy. There's no such thing as a "relationship winding down" as an excuse to cheat. The relationship is on before it's off, and the fact that she was sleeping with that guy and also talking to you while she was still in a relationship that should be the most disturbing red flag of them all.
And you missed it! Instead, you focused on the grossness of the guy she cheated with. YES, it should bug you that she was courting you with texts and wanting to meet up with you while at the same time sleeping with him AND having a boyfriend.
You went into this with your eyes open. You knew she was a cheater. She could be cheating on you in the exact same way. You're having an issue NOW? She was disloyal TO YOU and WITH YOU. That isn't "her past"....it overlapped your relationship and it is also an indicator of her character.
Personally, it doesn't bother me who a partner chose to be with before me, provided that he's disease free AND he didn't cheat on anyone in the past. I do not date cheaters, especially those who cheat with married people or on their wives. It takes courage to break off a relationship, and there's no excuse not to do it properly and honorably.
So there's either accept and stay, or break it off. I wouldn't have been dating in the first place, but it's your choice. Again, you're going in with your eyes open. As to your feelings of being "second choice", actually you were her "Third choice". Her boyfriend and this other guy were ahead of you in line. And I'm guessing there will be a "Fourth choice" as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2013): Politically correct answer:
You have a problem and you may need to seek help for it. She did nothing technically wrong to you so you should not feel this way. Go to counseling until your feelings go away.
Realistic answer:
You are feeling like any man in your shoes would. You can learn to cope with it somewhat. But the bottom line is that you will NEVER - EVER - EVER stop feeling the way you do about what she was doing back then. I am not telling you this to depress you, I am just giving you the honest answers that people in your shoes don't always get. What she did happened years ago but it reflects very badly on her character in your eyes, and that still matters today.
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