A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am dating two guys at once and it feels like cheating to me even though I'm not officially with either of them and its just dating. I was assured by a friend (having been single a long time and out of the dating game) that if your a free agent this is the done thing now?. But now it is getting too complex and feelings are getting involved and I don't know what to do. The first guy I started dating I did really like although he made it pretty clear that he did not want anything serious as his job moved him around alot and he would be leaving the country in a year or two. I saw the guy quite a bit and did sleep with him once, after which he said he didn't want to rush things/take advantage of me. (Which I did not understand why that mattered at all if it wasn't ever going to be a relationship). I never really knew where I was with the guy as he often blew hot and cold with me and told me he was going through a difficult time and didnt really know what he wanted. Although he has helped me out in some difficult situations when it comes down to it he does seem to care at least a bit. However,I didnt hear from him for a while after he bailed on me and assumed he'd lost interest. I was feeling a bit down about it so my friend encouraged me to date this new guy. I really liked the new guy, he is much more like the sort of person I would usually date and very open and clear about what he wants. (I have seen him afew times, but not been intimate with him yet). However, out of the blue the first guy contacted me seemingly unaware that I thought he'd blown me out. I was a bit annoyed at this point so I told him to make up his mind or go away.I continued to see the new guy and didn't expect to hear from the first again but now he's changed his tune saying he really likes me and wants to see me more (although its not as a sex buddy or as a girlfriend so I still have no clue whats going on!). I am not comfortable seeing the two guys at once and I did tell the first guy that I am seeing another person. He didn't seem too bothered, but I know the new guy would probably not like it. Recently the new guy also asked me if we could make it exclusive. I said I needed a bit more time and didn't want to rush it. I feel bad about it, I don't want to lead him on like the first guy does with me and I genuinely do want more time to think about it and get to know him. But deep down I know I am still hung up on the first guy and maintain some kind of pathetic hope that something more might come of it. I just want to carry on like this a bit longer and see what happens, but It feels like the wrong thing to do. I'm really confused, has any one been in this situation? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): You are probably not ready for a relationship if you are still chasing after the bad boys who will never offer you that. The second guy is your only viable option at this point if what you truly want is a boyfriend. As you get older, it becomes more important to not waste time with the players because you'll wake up and be 40 and still single.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): I don't think there is anything wrong with it because you are still single, but obviously there comes a point were you have to choose.
As for the first guy I agree with "kittieS" he sounds like a player, funny how he didn't want to rush things AFTER you slept with him.... He is basically telling you he does not want a relationship and that is something you need to accept, besides he's leaving the country in a year.
He probably is a nice guy, as a friend, but he does not seem relationship material, you can be sure he does like you but he doesn't want a relationship.
If he heard that there was a new guy on the scene that would mean there is a bit of a challenge again for him. He is not going to look bothered in front of you, he'll just play his little games to gradually win you over again.
This happened me and I was foolish enough to drop the new guy and give the player a chance.... because maybe he had time to think about what he wanted, no not the case at all!
I was just a challenge again because he knew that another gu was interested and when he got me back he was back to his usual self (obviously I finished it for good). Do not make that mistake. He wants you, but he doesn't if you know what I mean (perhaps just until he leaves the country) and why should you settle for that?!
My advice is totally forget about the first guy, he's not worth it, I speak from experience, cut all contact with him. Then focus on the new guy, give him a chance he sounds like one of the good ones! Do take it slowly, hold off on sleeping with him until you are exclusive, a good guy will respect you more for this.
Get to know him better and when you have completely forgotten about the player then consider whether you want to be exclusive. You're not leading him on thats part of dating you get to know eachother first and then you may or may not become exclusive so don't feel bad about taking time in getting to know him.
Hope everything works out for you.
Good luck.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): There is nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time...where it becomes, perhaps a moral issue for some, a problem and not so right anymore,is when you are having sex with one or both of them. Your heart will tell you who is the one you want to get to know better, the connection you make with the other person, you want to see them more and more, you think about them all the time, etc....you will know. If you can't decide or aren't sure, it's just not right at this time, and that's okay too. Do yourself a favor, and don't jump into a sexual relationship with either of them...the one guy who was there, then wasn't and is coming around again? He's not the guy for you...there is such a difference in the two men you describe,,,you already know the answer.... :-)
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 I think forget the first guy, he's a player! He is just not that into you, is pushing his luck and despite what he says he's only interested in having sex with you. Believe me I've been there with men like this, and at least he is being honest saying he doesnt want a relationship but he will take advantage of you and you will end up feeling horrible.The other guy however, sounds like a nice chap - he wants to be exclusive, which means he wants a relationship and things could work out well here.Dating multiple guys is seen as fine, and by dating I mean a drink/meal - personally soon as you sleep with them your in exclusive territory unless it's a one night stand (but would suggest if after you sleep with someone you don't see a future it should end or you jepodise your future with someone else)You need to decide exactly what you want... Bit of fun and no commitment and a strong possibility of being one of many woman and heartache. Or potentially someone's girlfriend who will be treated in the way you deserve.I know which i would prefer :)
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