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Its bothering me that my g/f shows more interest in my friend than me

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Something is really bugging me. My gf has been really stressed over last few days over little things and it can lead to argument. This isn’t serious because we both know it’s no ones fault. For example if we are going out she is throwing clothes, complaining about them, keeps changing outfits. I tell her she looks good and she still makes her own decision (fair enough, she knows more than me).

Say we are going out shopping with friends, she was really interested in helping my friend do his shoppping. Telling him what looks good on him and he is trying it on. And he responds by saying if you like it than I’m going to get it. I was not bothered at the slightest. I know she’s amazing and is helpful with stuff like that. I tried on something she didn’t like it, we moved on. My friend bought over 8 tops , bottoms etc. I thought it’s jus me, being a stupid idiot , but I wasn’t in mood to shop.

That evening we went for dinner, I asked her what shirt I should wear. Her response was I don’t know I haven’t got time for that. So I made it easier I put them on, and showed her. She got even more frustrated.

Again, it didn’t matter. I put on the one I thought looked okay and we were ready to go, jus as I grab my keys I realise my hair was a mess. In the deep thoughts I had forgotten to do it. I was surprised my gf didn’t notice and didn’t say anything. So I ran quickly done it and we left. I didn’t feel so great but I thought man up , it’s hardly a big deal it’s jus all in my head.

We arrive for dinner, meet my friend and another two. And she looks at him and tells him oh that’s the new one you bought, it looks good. And I’m sitting there like wow she has time to notice that?

I didn’t say a word, I tried to, I thought it’s all in my head. Than he criticizes me over dinner, and my gf is listening, she didn’t seem at slightest offended or feeling the need to back me up but rather I was getting embarrassed and annoyed. He even called me a name, and she said the same later. And she goes well it’s true tho isn’t it. Had I of said the same thing she admits she would be upset.

I have never shown him in a bad light so why do it to me?

And why is she doing this? I haven’t said anything to anyone because it will lead to an argument.

I wish this feeling would go, but it won’t, if it did I would move on. I feel like a clown, I don’t feel solid inside. Especially don’t feel like a man to my girl at the moment. I tried and she said your forcing it. Forcing what? How is it my fault if I’m not built, or funny or whatever she found so amazing in him?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly OP are you sure this guy is a real friend? If he is always looking for a way to put you down then he does not care about you, and if that is the case you might be much happier away from him completely.

As for your girlfriend are you sure that she is the right one for you? She doesn't sound like she is the love off your life.

You need to start looking after yourself, you don't need to be moody and aggressive but you also don't need to allow people to walk over you, you need to find a middle ground. Show them you are not going to lay down and allow them to walk over you. Stand up for yourself and improve your well being. Starting by picking better friends and asking yourself is this relationship what you want in life?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntOP, working on self-improvement is GOOD. Doesn't make you weaker or more like a doormat.

Being kinder and nicer doesn't mean you can set boundaries or that you should let people walk all over you.

One of the KINDEST people I know is a friend of mine. She is soft spoken, mild, sweet, etc. but she can "demand" the attention of a room full of kids/teens in a heartbeat. NO ONES walks over that lady.

She is in her 50's, and have had YEARS of "practice" to get to this point, you are still working on it. We learn as we go and we learn from mistakes. (hopefully)

Don't expect that doing a 180 will totally change your World overnight. Work on little things ONE thing at a time. Humans are works in progress, OP. ALL of us.

Being firm, saying no, standing up for yourself (in a controlled manner), having and setting boundaries are ALL OK and can be done while being a kind and good person.

Curbing your temper is good. Being in control (think before you speak and act) is good too.

As for this "friend" he might not WANT you to change because it makes HIM look not as good when compared. But YOU do you and maybe slowly let this friend go.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

You need a new girlfriend. Relationships run their course and these have run theirs. Both the one with your GF and your friend. It is clear that she has transferred her affection to him and he seems to be reciprocating.

They may not be having a physical affair but they are rubbing your face in their emotional affair.

I have to assume this woman must be amazing for you to put up with this emotional abuse.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2017):

Thank you so much for all your responses. The reason why I am quiet now is because I’m trying to leave behind how I used to be. Most things I want in life I get, I have a way of doing things my way because they work. As years went by I realised that you have to be considerate of others around you. I reduced my temper, controlled my actions, trying to be softer. I have proof when I do this people start to walk all over me. Last few weeks I have been crushed at work, produced lowest results I have done in two years.

Everyone could see something wasn’t right, I lost control of few businesses, and personal things in life not going so well. Yet no one supported me apart from my gf, but I don’t tell her too much of work as she doesn’t always understand (complicated)

When I’m down I’m constantly being kicked down even more by this friend. But this only lasted a few weeks. I’m slowly becoming myself, but I’m only able to do this 50% of the day as my mood gets the better of me.

I think I need to be more grounded. As for my gf, our convos are sweet and nice only because we are not in the same room.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntOP, it's not about you "manning up". It's about you realizing that you might have become a tad needy and clingy because you feel INSECURE in your relationship with her. And she... has partly made you feel that way.

You need to get back to you. The guy you were when you met. Or rather the guy you were when you were happy about yourself. Do things you enjoy (on your own and with her), don't ORBIT her.

You two are in your mid-20's so you BOTH should have better communication skills or at the very least WORK on it.

She can play "dumb" all she wants doesn't take away from the fact that she is looking for attention from YOUR friend. So is that because she doesn't feel YOU give her enough? That you aren't as interested in her? Or is she bored with the relationship and want out? In that case, maybe that is why things have been stressed lately, she is trying to get you to dump her. And because you sense something is oof you become more "clingy" which in turn makes her more annoyed... see the nasty circle you two are creating by not talking?

I wouldn't call you a wimp, OP But this is a good time in life to start learning how to not take SHIT from people ( like your friend). Humor can diffuse these situations without you being a dick or taking that kind of treatment from someone. So don't be afraid to have some comebacks ready.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntDon't put yourself down and call yourself a wimp. He doesn't sound like a very good friend calling you names, and well if your girlfriend repeated it then she is just as bad. Surely she cannot play dumb after calling you names? What was her excuse for that?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2017):

She says it’s nothing like that. She acts dumb, I’m not sure maybe she didn’t even realise. Since we have been alone she has been good, I’m not sure why but she has been doing everything for me at home on the last day, now I have moved away for two weeks for work. So opportunity has gone with only memories of past events. I don’t blame her, maybe it’s me that needs to man up. I’m a very solid, strong headed, individual but these last few days I turned into a wimp.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 October 2017):

I don't think you're too far off-base about how odd her behavior is. I don't think there's anything petty about your observations. May I do a little analysis?

You say she's been edgy, snappy, and picking fights. That sounds like restlessness, maybe some hormonal-changes due to her period; and top all that with taking her man for granted.

In fairness to her, here's a checklist:

Have you been affectionate and sexy? Do you tease her and make her laugh to keep tensions low? Have you been spontaneously romantic; like bringing flowers or a small gift for no reason? Did you forget any special occasions,i.e. birthday, an anniversary, or showed-up late to pick her up? Glance too obviously at other women? Do you compliment her hair and body, how good she smells; or tell her she's pretty? Does she have to beg you to do things over and over and over?

If all of the above, she should kick you to the curb!

These are things that women may hold a grudge over. They linger like slow poison in her system. Then when you do something slightly irritating, she goes off! It's stuff that has built-up over time. She's pushing 30! Her friends or sisters brag about their marriages, or kids. They brag about the sweet things their men have done for them; and she's sitting there stewing in her own juices. Either she had to make something up, or had nothing to add to the conversation. Women like rubbing each others noses in their happy lives. Men aren't the only ones who like to brag!

Enough building a case for her. Sometimes they just want to date somebody else; and they get jealous of their single-girlfriends. She looks at you and just turns-up her nose. Then comes this other guy, your friend; and suddenly he's a novelty. It's always someone close and convenient. Not a total stranger. It breaks the bro-code to date his ex! If she's sending him signals; he's a jerk to pick-up on them.

A true bro will deflect them like Superman and bullets!

She may be purposely trying to irritate you. Even if it gets to you, don't overreact. All this may be just a phase or stress-related. Flirting or complimenting your buddy is not a phase. It's a prelude to trouble! It's inappropriate.

Best to keep her away from him for a little while. If they maintain contact without you around, that sends up red-flags!

That's the way some females get under your skin, by going for your male-ego and masculinity. They know the male's primal-instinct is to be protective of his female, and we're naturally-competitive with other males. She's lighting your fuse and yanking your chain. Stay cool; because she's going about it the wrong way if she wants more attention; and causing friction between friends. That's more on the nasty side.

Some of the behavior you describe has nothing to do with stress. Seems more like spite. Sometimes women get jealous of the closeness you have with your buddies; and do things to drive a wedge between you. Using your own jealousy against you is quite effective. It's a form of manipulation. Placing you at odds with each other; and you'll separate from your friend. Then she has you all to herself, or the other way around. She can go for him, instead!

Ask her why she's behaving weirdly around your mate? The compliments and agreeing with his slights towards you isn't cool? Stay calm. She'll try to make a fight of it. If she has something on her mind, lets talk it out. No back-door tactics to create issues with your friends. She may be growing a little crush on him; but you need to observe a little more to come to that conclusion. I say, nip it in the bud. Too much chumminess is heading for trouble.

Deal with your mate about the name-calling in-front of your woman. Not cool! What's up with that?!! Speak to him man-to-man when you're alone together. Listen-up to what he's got to say. Don't behave suspiciously. Chill!

Fights are signs of stress and strain in the relationship. Something is going on. She won't be direct. Keep your eyes and ears open.

When people mess around with your head before they'd tell you what's wrong, they don't know how to communicate. Instead; they do things or pick fights out of frustration. They think shaking things up will make them fall into place.

That's how stupid people solve problems. Smart-folk use our words, and control our tempers.

Sometimes you have to sit-down with them and ask them a series of questions about their feelings. That's one thing women have no trouble expressing. Their feelings. What they can't explain is why? They leave that up to guessing; because you're supposed to read their minds.

Keep communication open. You don't learn anything; because you get into arguments. Nobody listens when you get angry; but you catch all the insults that fly. That's not effective-communication; when all you hear are the names and insults. It means you're unhappy and there really isn't much that can be done to fix things. You just want to end it; but scared of will happen if you do. You fight until it all snaps and comes apart!

Tell her the arguments and the weird behavior is sending you a bad signal. That forces you to consider your options. If she calls your bluff, and gets worse. Time to pack and move!

It's a waste of time playing stupid games; while she sets you up to tangle with your pals. Those kind of underhanded tactics says bad things about her personality. If you are guilty of several things on my list above, you're the reason your relationship is going south! Chumming-up to your bro is a toxic move; and you really need to address that tactfully. Not like a hot-headed asshole!

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A female reader, rhianna1111 United States +, writes (9 October 2017):

Ok, I m a girl. She is in control, and the thing any girl really loves but doesn't like admitting it is some control. Not the abusive type, or the one when you tell her what to do at all times of the day, but the control where you pretend you don't care. You're trying to hard, trust me, she sees it.

You're friend, is not a real friend. Also, trying to be like him, and comparing yourself to him is not helping you.

Another thing, it's not your fault, once you blame yourself for someone else's wrong doing, you lose. So here are some things I seriously recommend you do:

1) Don't tell her anything. Ignoring it is bad, but talking about it seems to lead to arguments. So do you. Stay away from her, hang out with the guys, alone. Dress up, do your hair, alone. Show some independence, because you're showing a lot of dependencies and that's very unattractive. You don't need her to stand up for you, you stand up for yourself, and you don't need her to tell you what is right to wear.

2) Evaluate. It's obvious you are jumping to some conclusions with her and your friend. She does not love him, she is not living with him, its obvious that if he called you out at a dinner, he does not respect you or your girlfriend's boundaries.

3) Great Sex. It might seem like right now that's not a possibility, but it can be. Don't come on too hard, or too needy, just come off passionate and deep. Show some confidence, and show some sexy parts of you.

4) Confidence. Show off your really good parts, and pretend for a while you have no insecurities. Be the bigger person. Just show how her words and others dont effect you, because you have confidence. Don't act like an arrogant ass, but show that you might not have the build and muscle as your friend, but you have some respect and confidence.

Take my advice, and please reply to tell me how it worked out. Good Luck. DO what makes you happy. :)

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntFirst off, don't treat her like your mother. PICK out what YOU want to wear. Don't ask her to pick... it's... emasculating IMHO.

That way you can avoid the feeling like she doesn't give a flying fart next time you go out.

And when SHE is getting dressed LET her do her thing. If she doesn't want your opinion just get yourself ready for an evening out.

As for your friend. I find BOTH their behaviors inappropriate. If your friend calls you a name, tell him to go stuff it. Or USE it with a bit of humor to disarm him or make HIM look like the clown. A few snappy funny comebacks will not make you look jealous or a clown, TAKING the "abuse"... will.

And your GF? Should she stand up for you? Again, she isn't your mother. You are a big boy and should stand up for yourself. However, she doesn't exactly need to jump into the fray and use the same "name" later for you. that makes her as bad as your friend.

You are comparing yourself to another guy and it isn't helping you at all. YOU are you and Bob is Bob. She is with you, not Bob for a reason.... right?

Maybe cut down a bit on hanging out with this guy. Just slowly be busy with ONE-ON-ONE dates with your GF - no need to bring more people to an evening out. You can always meet up AFTER a dinner for drinks and then go dancing or home.

Is this male friend single? Thus he is a bit jealous of you for having a GF, that is WHY he is trying to make YOU look bad. That is why he is trying to make her feel special - with having her pick out his clothes etc. He KNOWS it annoys you and he knows your GF haven't figured this out yet. (now I wouldn't spell it out for her, she will figure out) This is also why you distance yourself a bit from him. Focus on your and your GF. Again, she is dating YOU because there is/was something about you she really liked/like.

Her being so stressed lately, so you know what is causing it? Is it work? Family? Or is it that she isn't HAPPY in the relationship?

Because the stress and constantly picking fights is not a good sign. Neither is you being a little "clingy".

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