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anonymous
writes: Okay, so when I was on vacation, I was sixteen and I met a guy who was 23. We didn't know each other's ages at the time, but really hit it off and connected well. When I had to go back home at the end of my vacation, we exchanged e-mail addresses to keep in touch. It's been a year, we've become really good friends, but I want something more. However, I am not stupid and realize that 1. There is a 7 year age difference (I'm seventeen now, and he's 24)2. There's a distance between us (though I'll get to see him twice during the summer)I honestly don't know what to do. No matter what, we're going to stay close friends because I care about him a LOT and do not want to lose him.But I also don't want to ignore the feelings I have for him. He's shown interest in me too. And not anything "creepy" or sexual. He's never made any inappropriate advances (which is good since he is older, though in my state this wouldn't be illegal anyway). I hate the circumstances I'm in. On the one hand, I realize there are many problems with this and want to remain level headed, but on the other hand, I care too much about him to just let it go. I really am lost. Any advice would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2006): am currently in a similar situation (smaller age difference, though, not that it matters). kinda wanted to know how things are going with you and your long distance man, just to get some perspective. my guy is going to be off volunteering in south america come january to july so he won't have daily, or even weekly, access to the internet or post for six months. i'm not sure how we're going to be able to pull this off, if at all, and don't know if i should start weaning myself away from our daily emails/phone calls/texts/webcam conferences to spare myself worse heartbreak later on. some advice would be nice :)
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female
reader, *lola* +, writes (1 July 2006):
 Age doesn't matter it's a number! It's what you and your heart want, if you love him and he loves you go for it! Age or distance shouldn't keep you apart from the person you love.
*lola*
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (29 June 2006):
 OK... you asked.
I can see right away by your writing that you're an articulate and intelligent young woman, but it's also clear that you don't really want advice; you want support for your choice to stay in touch with the older guy.
That's fine, but be honest with yourself. You've made up your mind.
Here's a snapshot of my history, just so you know: I was married at 17 to a 24-year-old. Like you, my emotional outlook was mature beyond my years... but I did lack practical experience with relationships.
Age-difference relationships can work out. Lots of people will point out couples they know with 10 or 20 years between them, but knowing someone whose age-gap relationship worked is far different from being in one.
The major obstacle is in life experience. Your guy has been an adult, and making adult choices since you were in primary school. He's got ingrained habits, older friends, a different fashion sense, better earning power, more goods and chattels. All those things put you at a disadvantage in a relationship, because you haven't done that yet. If you (and by "you" I mean anyone in this situation) get entangled with him, you'll tend to have to go along with whatever his choice is, because you don't want to cause ripples, and you -- instinctively -- tend to accept his judgements as wiser than yours.
That means that you tend to be a "junior partner" all the time, rather than an equal, and that starts to smell after a few years. But of course, by then, the Senior Partner is used to making all the decisions. That leads to arguments.
I'm not saying anything like This Is Your Future. But it was my experience, and it *could* be yours, if you're not aware of the pitfalls.
I say, if you're old enough to attend university, then you're old enough to make your own choices, and your own mistakes. Keep in touch, but try to keep your options open, too! Have you considered that the main reason you're not interested in other guys is because you haven't given any other guys a chance?
You'll probably keep in touch, by default if nothing else, but take things slowly and keep it light. Long distance is a heavy burden to add to everything else.
Briefly put, go ahead and get to know this guy, but don't fixate on him, and don't make him your One and Only. Make it a point to get to know other guys at uni, if only so you can make fair comparisons to this fellow.
You may not realise just how long the next ten years can be, and how much fun you can have. Sadly, most people don't until it's a retrospective look at their lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease, anybody?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, I'd also like to add something. According to my friends I'm "ruining my life" by being in this situation, because they're angry that I'm not interested in other guys. I know it's stupid, and people say "You're young, why aren't you out having fun and enjoying youth, don't tie yourself down to this!"...well, I AM having fun. I have a job, and go out with friends, and I am making the most of my youth. He has no effect on that aspect of my life.Also, I know when I'm off at University soon I'll be meeting tons of people, so why think of getting into a long distance relationship?---because I care about him. I'm not going to pass up a good opportunity just because there's a chance I *might* meet someone else. I'll deal with that if it happens.Sorry, if that's rambling.
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