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male
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anonymous
writes: Help! I have recently lied on my gf for 3 months about my past! I need help on how to regain that trust that we use to have before she knew. Here's the deal. My past is not who I am today, but I lied to her about my past relationships cause it's not me now. She told me that "when trust has faded it is nearly impossible to get it back." I fell in love with this girl and I really don't want to lose her. I'm 22 by the way and she still has some type of feelings for me. What should I do!?
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (28 June 2006):
 I don't know the details but what can have been so bad? You say you lied and now she's found out, How? Did you 'confess'? If so, why? Sorry that this is all questioning, but why lie in the first place? I think your past is YOUR past and has nothing to do with your girlfriend. All you needed to say was that you don't talk about your past. If there's an issue where you need to be tested for STD/HIV etc then fine, but people who have slept with only one person may have put themselves at risk. If she has a problem with your past, I'm sorry but it's her problem. If you are different now, you can't be expected to berate yourself over someone else's judgement. It's not her place to 'forgive' you, just to accept you are a changed person and are with her because you chose to be. (I speak from the same experience and it destroyed 2 relationships and almost me)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2006): I can relate to this. My ex-girlfriend lied about her past too. We never managed to work it out because the lies continued, right up until the end.
If you can put your trust in her and be completely honest, and reassure her how much you love her and how much you regret your past I think you can regain her trust.
She just needs to realise the reasons you did it, if she does, she'll realise that you didn't do it to deceive her.
Don't make the same mistake as my ex-girlfriend - don't be so ashamed of your past that you keep whatever she wants to know from her.
Honesty is the best way!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 June 2006):
 I'm guessing that she has found out you lied?
Then you need to come clean about all of your lie, and especially why you lied. If she feels you are being 100% honest with her (an effect best achieved by being 100% honest...) then she might just start to trust you more. Admitting that you are ashamed of your past it a good start.
After that, it's a case of constant reassurance and reminders that you care about her. Intimacy, openess, honesty, these all lead to trust. But trust takes a long time to build, you'll need patience.
And if she does leave you, take it as a lesson on honesty in the future. You might also want to consider what you did that you are ashamed of and make sure you steer clear of any repeats in the future.
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