A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a lad who's three years younger than me in September last year, and we hit it off right away. We found that we have lots in common; some things freakishly in common (our mums have the same birthday), which only led to strengthen our relationship. I was his first sexual experience, his "first time", his first real girlfriend; his first anything with a girl.But now, nearly 5 months on, things aren't as good as they once were. I find that it is usually me who contacts him first, via text or phone call, and it is usually me who arranges we meet up or do something together. When we chat on the phone, he's easily distracted by what's going on around him, and when he texts me back, his replies are usually short and sweet. He declines my invitations to meet up most of the time, claiming tiredness due to his work. I understand that he works crazy hours (6 am - 2pm five days a week), but during that time he hardly ever contacts me back from my usual morning text. On his off days, he hardly contacts me still, and seldom asks to meet up. We never go out as a couple anymore and he never does anything spontaneous or romantic.At a recent birthday party, he left me to my own devices in a room full of his family I barely know, whilst he hung around mostly with his dad. His brother and gran even asked me at separate intervals if me and my boyfriend were ok, due to us not spending much time together that evening.It just feels as though I'm doing all the chasing. I hope this doesn't sound as though I harass him, because I don't; I send one or two texts a day, enquiring how he is, to only get short replies. He only sends me longer messages or shows more interest in me when he senses I'm upset. I just have a gut feeling that he's not in to me anymore, and am looking for some advice. He says he loves me, but I thought if you really did love a person, then you'd want to see them more often and make more of an effort. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 February 2013):
 Stop chasing. Stop starting the texts. Stop making the plans and see what happens. Be prepared to find out you are a booty call.
I can tell you that many folks here at my office work 6-2 and that’s not an unusual time around here and it gives you all afternoon to do things… or nap if you plan to go out later at night with others… so his work schedule is an excuse…
He declines to meet you most of the time… he does not contact you on his own… he just is receptive to seeing you when it suits him and his needs… (how often when he sees you do you have sex? If it’s every time, that’s the first thing that must stop as he views you as a FWB nothing more)
Your GUT is right… he’s not as into you as you are into him and he’s just coasting along…
I have found that men in love will move heaven and earth to be with the object of their affection… they call. They want to see you, they email., if they are texters they text… other things fall by the wayside so they can be with you. A man in love makes you his first priority in almost all things.
I suggest as painful as it is you stop contacting him first. That you stop asking to see him. That you stop making the plans to get together…..
Give him the chance to ask to see you...if he goes more than 3 or 4 days without contact… I’d consider that he really is just in this for the easy sex.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 February 2013):
 You are at a critical stage of your relationship. At about the 6 month period, there is usually a decision whether this is going to be long term or not. You know each other well enough to be make an informed decision on whether to continue or not.
Unfortunately at his age, he is still coming to grips with establishing himself in the world and that often times takes precedence over women and relationship.
Also, you state that you were his first. That means he has NEVER broken up with someone. He has never had to muster up the courage to break the bad news. This may be his way of hoping you do the deed or that you just "disappear" or it ends with a murmur. I am not saying this IS the case, I am just saying it might be. He may just lack the courage to say, "it's over".
Have you talked to him about what is going on?
I think at this point, when you get his attention, is to ask him where you stand with him. Explain, just as you have here, how you feel that you are an afterthought. Tell him you are worried and express your feelings to him about where you want to be and what you want out of a relationship. See what his reaction is. If he comes around, then you know he's worth investing another 5 months with -- if not, then I think you have a pretty clear answer on what you need to do.
Remember, words are cheap, actions are priceless. Trust his actions.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2013):
 The only things you have in common, being each others' firsts, mums having same birthdays, are not very practical things that are essential in a relationship. I imagine when I was 23, 24, a 19 year old would not have the same mindset as me. It's a disappointment trying to date a younger guy, especially when girls mature faster than guys. He doesn't know if he has what it takes to make you happy, to catch up with your maturity.
This is his first relationship when he doesn't really know what he wants or why he is in it. He had sex with you and felt the right thing to do is to hang on to it. The family gathering was an example. He felt it's time to introduce you to his family, since you are a nice girl. At the same time he's not even considering long term and did now want to talk to people in "us" terms.
You must not respond to his coldness with more chasing. Even when he meets up with you, but with half heartedness, you must refuse to accept another date unless he shows enthusiasm and courts you all over again. He says he still loves you so maybe that's why you didn't leave. To let him chase you again you have to back up first, to make space.
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