A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am just wondering if I am the only one that thinks this way and if I should just get over feeling this way or if it is something thats ok to worry about. I was a virgin when my boyfriend and I had sex. I didn't know it would bother me knowing he wasn't a virgin and that he's slept with 3 girls before me and a 4th that only gave him oral. It just bothers me knowing that they had him first and that he was my first everything. It makes me jealous and angry sometimes and it makes me hate all those girls even though I have no real reason to. Whats wrong with me?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 April 2011):
 You're just jealous. It could be you are jealous of nature and this is something you need to work on, or it could be that you place too much emphasis on the word "first", or on your boyfriend in general, skyrocketing this into something it really isn't. In which case you just need to let time pass and get more grounded and secure.
Why didn't it bother you at first that he wasn't a virgin? Why did you ask him details about his sexual experiences? Or did he just tell you without you asking? Sometimes we are silly to think we can handle information that we really can't. Now that the cat is out of the bag we regret asking, and wish we didn't know. All that is left to do then is to get over it and move on away from it (the topic that is, not the guy).
It could also be that while your feelings for him weren't as strong, these things didn't matter. But now that you care for him more, and have a deeper and more intimate relationship, you feel somehow threatened by the girls from his past. Your jealousy could be your reaction to a need to claim your territory and property. Perhaps you have a need to tell everyone he is yours now, and that would make you feel better.
The other option I mentioned was that you could be putting too much emphasis on being "first". Do you think there is a difference to how he feels about you, or the girls he's been with, depending on their number in line? You only have had him, so you do not know how you would feel for your hypothetical number two. Right in this moment I imagine you can not possibly think about ever being with anyone but him, wanting only him forever and that he will be the only man you ever share these intimate moments with? Am I right?
Do you also think that this is because he is your first everything, and that purely because of being "first" he is special?
Wouldn't that logic also imply that any sleazeball you have as a first anything is also special?
That's what Im getting at, your guy is special to you because he is who is is. Not because he's your first! And, just the same, if you do end up with a guy number two later on, that guy will be just as special, because of who he is.
It is the connection between you that counts, not the number in line. With guy number second you will feel the exact same, never wanting to leave him, him being so special, and there will be a zillion reasons for why he is so special to you. Right now you are clinging on to him being special simply because he's your "first". Other than that though, what makes him special to you? Try to focus on the other parts instead. Parts of HIM as a person. Him being first isn't a quality of his you know. What are his qualities then, what about HIM makes him special to you?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 April 2011):
 Theres nothing wrong with you sweetie. Losing your virginity is a big deal and when it is with someone you love it is a great experience for you, I guess you just feel jelous because he couldnt have the same experience with you because he wasnt a virgin. I know it can be hard to deal with and you dont want to think of him with these other girls. But just remember he has chosen to be with you, therefore it is you he wants not these other girls. Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (29 April 2011):
Nothing is wrong with you. It's absolutely normal to be jealous that way, even when it isn't reasonable. A lot of people feel like you. The issue is how much does it bothers you. I mean, are you thinking about that all the time?
As there's nothing you (and no one else) can do about it, you have to let this go. If you feel angry all the time it will affect your relationship. It will help if your boyfriend avoids doing any remark about this past relationships in the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011):
I am a guy and I am in a similar situation. I don't have any answers, but I can share my story it hopes it makes you feel less alone. I met my now wife when I was 19 and inexperienced. I wasn't just a virgin, but I had never really had a "serious" girlfriends before that involved anything more than hugging, holding hands, and maybe awkward goodnight kisses on the lips. I had shared a bed with a few girls, but we never went farther than sleeping or me putting my arm around them in bed. I just didn't feel like I was ready to have sex and I know it frustrated some of those girls who thought it meant I wasn't physically attracted to them. Back then (and this is some decades ago) women wouldn't make the first move and if I didn't then I think they felt rejected. Maybe they were right to feel that way, but it was for emotional reasons and not because they weren't very beautiful, sexy young ladies. (They were.)
Anyway, when I met my girlfriend she was 21 and while she was hardly a slut she had slept with a few men by then. I lied and told her I had slept with three other girls once when she asked and she said she had slept with three other guys. That made me very jealous. I asked her what it was like to lose her virginity and she said it was no big deal because she had been fingered so many times before that and it was similar, which meant that three was counting just the partners who had actually had sex with her. Now I believe that even that is not accurate (see below).
I read once that when women keep track of how many men they have slept with they mean "boyfriends" and exclude one night stands, flings, and so on. I believe this is true in my girlfriend's case, because she told me about this French guy who was an amazing lover. By piecing together bits of various conversations with her and things her friends have let out I realize there were actually TWO French guys (one stateside and a different one in France). She also told me about the one time that her housemate (who she lusted over at the time) got drunk and had sex with her. Well, that's three guys except that I also know about the boyfriend who cheated on her (not platonic, because she said wanted to have sex all the time), the one she spent a summer with before she met me (who wrote her a letter back then trying to get back with her and in it talked about how he missed the great sex with her), and the guy in Germany she met online and traveled to Germany to go have sex with who was her first lover. They spent a whole week having kinky bondage-style sex and hitting German nightclubs at night. I know this because of letters they wrote to each other and a journal she was writing at the time which she kept in which she described her self-described first sexual encounter and how it felt. Thank goodness she didn't go on about how incredibly awesome it was. (It was just "nice".) He even wrote her a note in it after the time they first had sex telling her that he hoped there were no regrets and that the ropes didn't leave any marks. (Yes, I am a jealous snoop. Yes, she knows I know.) After that week they never saw each other again, which I think hurt her feelings as he was going to move to the US near her for school (which he did) and yet never came to visit her. So now we're talking at least six men plus who knows how many more didn't get to go quite all the way but went far enough to count in my book.
This bothered me a lot. It still does a little. I was especially upset at the German guy for taking her virginity and throwing her out like trash. That's jealousy but also me being angry at how she was treated. I don't think he gave a crap, but to me that was a special gift that he used as another notch on his bedpost. At that time he was living in the US about an hour away, so I decided I was going to pay him a visit and punch him in the face. I didn't know where he lived, but I found out where he worked. At that time I was a young leather-wearing punk. I don't know why I felt the need to do that, but I did. Long story short, I tracked him down and sat outside his office for half a day (he worked in a building with a lot of foot traffic so this was not too unusual) watching him. Yes, he was very handsome. In the end, I decided not to confront him. When he stepped out of his office for a moment I went to his whiteboard and wrote on it that I had come to punch him in the face for what he did to (my girlfriend) but that he should consider this note to be a proxy. Then I left. Believe it or not, it was very cathartic to me to see who that guy was and since then I have a much easier time letting go of that. I still hate him, but I don't spend almost any time thinking about him, what he did to my wife, or that day.
Later in life, I told my wife that I hadn't had sex with three other women but that she was my first. She said she guessed that, but also said "Why are you telling me this?" I told her I thought it was important that she know how special she was to me, but she didn't see it that way. In fact, I think it made her feel like a cheap slut that she couldn't hold out. She was brought up Catholic and she told me many times back then how she wished she could have turned back the clock and I could have been her first.
We don't talk about such things now, but even now it causes a strain on our relationship. From my end, I wish that I had slept with more of those other women and had gotten that out of my system. From her end, she feels like I am far too jealous. I don't think she understands what it is like for me to think about her with other men. That's something that she never has to consider. With Facebook, one of these old lovers is now back in her life (as "friends") and it upsets me greatly that he wants to be involved in any way with her again. It rekindles a lot of those very powerful jealous and angry emotions I had back then. That there are men running around out there that have had sex with my wife is something I don't like to think about. One time I even thought to even the score by meeting an old girlfriend in a hotel for sex (she was willing to meet at a hotel and I think we both assumed it would involve sex or else why meet at a hotel?), but I just couldn't go through with that. It wouldn't help anything and it would be far worse than anything she ever did to me.
Still, there's that part of me that wants to know what it is like to be with another woman. I would love to receive a blowjob, which my wife has done only once to me (way back in the first month we met). I remember asking her then if she would swallow and she said she didn't like it and wouldn't. I asked her how she would know if she liked it or not and she told me that she had done it for an ex-boyfriend a few times. So my wife has sucked off some guy running around out there (maybe this guy on Facebook for all I know) never done that for me. She's had all kinds of experiences, positive and negative, that have shaped her attitudes on sex and I missed out on that phase where I was able to explore my own sexuality or we were able to explore our sexuality together because she had "been there, done that."
If I had to do it all over again, I would not have remained a virgin. There is a joke that women should not have sex with virgins, because they will cling and the woman will have to break their hearts. I understand the wisdom in that now. I definitely made a mistake in telling her I was a virgin, because after that she stopped comparing herself in bed to other women and it made some of my statements more hollow to her. If I say "Honey, that's the best I have ever had" it means less than if I had had ten lovers before her. She's thinking "Of course it is. It's all you ever had." I could just tell from her reaction when I told her I was a virgin that it was the wrong thing to say.
I also think that while our sex life has been okay, it is not as good as it was with some of those other men. I remember in particular when we first started to have sex I could never get her off. I asked her if that was a problem for her and she told me how her previous boyfriend never made her cum at all, but her French lover made her cum every single time. Well, suffice it to say that in this time I *have* made her cum but it's not that all that easy or often and because of that she thinks sex with me isn't all that exciting or worth the effort. I told her that she needs to be patient, practice with me, and teach me but I think that's a giant turn-off for her. As a man I am supposed to know what to do and do it. I can see her frustration. I wish that I had been able to practice and made some of my mistakes in bed with another woman first. I am a much better lover now, but I think those early experience where I, frankly, sucked have colored her opinion of me in bed.
We are still married and love each other a lot, but we are sexually incompatible. I wish I would have met her about 3 years after I did so that I could have slept with more women (I was just starting to come into my own in terms of realizing that there were beautiful young women who actually wanted to sleep with me and this it was okay to do so) and so that she could have done a little bit of sowing her wild oats, too, as she was also just coming into her own sexually. She told me years ago how exciting and liberating it was to have so many men pursuing her. When I met her I was one of about a half dozen men seeking her attention and I was the one who "won" her affection and chased them off so to speak. She was happy with that at the time and fell in love with me, but I think part of her wishes that she would've preferred the chase to go on a little longer. We were both so young.
In summary, there is nothing wrong with you. I wouldn't say the feelings you feel are healthy, but they are normal. If you stay with him, you will never entirely get over it. From his end, he probably feels bad for you, too, on some level and wishes things were different. Focus on your relationship and on creating new memories. Don't ignore the past, but don't linger on it. I tend to care more about my wife not being a virgin a lot more when things are not going well in our relationship, when I feel ignored sexually, or when I feel threatened (as by this Facebook friend). However, the past cannot be changed. Since you are young, is is likely this won't be your last relationship ever and it will not a non-issue from here on out. However, if you do end up staying with this guy long-term I recommend that you see a therapist to help you work through these issues. I wish I would have done that way back when and I think I am going to do that even now. As you can tell from this note, it's not something I always have a handle on even though I don't worry about it half as much now as I did 20 years ago when there was a period where it consumed me.
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