A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months, and I love him with all of my heart. We've never had any serious problems. He tells me this is the best relationship he's ever had.About 2 months ago, I looked at his Instagram for the first time. I don't have instagram, so I was just curious. I stumbled across pictures of him with exes, but one that particularly struck my nerve. She's a sexpot of a girl, and I read comments about how everyone and he thought she was so damn beautiful, and "it's not luck, it's love"So I decided to look at her instagram... like one of those idiots in a horror movie that doesn't know when to get out while they still can. It was full of pictures of her in sexy lingerie and poses, her with my boyfriend, sexy pictures FOR my boyfriend, and since he's in a band, she advertised her half naked body in a cut off of one of their s with her hanging out the bottom. Most hurtful was a leather bracelet he made for her, engraved "my Love". All of the comments only made me feel that much worse.I did my best to get over it without letting on that I was feeling insecure. But last weekend, the band played a show in her area and she said she was going to come. He told me, and I sort of let on that I wasn't comfortable with it but I tried to be okay with it. They apparently went to school together and were friends for a long time. They only got together for a month and it was a "bad idea". He said she wanted to meet me.I was fighting tears almost the entire way there. I started drinking, and by the time she showed up I was shaking and dragging my cigarette like a chimney. She was dressed in too short silk shorts and a tiny top and was posing for cameras, came up and hugged me and went straight to my boyfriend and started talking. The singer's girlfriend came to me and offered a look, and we took a walk around the corner together. I got back, they were still talking and apparently took a picture together with the singer while we were gone. I got back, and she left after a few short moments to go inside. Soon after, my boyfriend went inside to get food. I finished my cigarette and went back in to get another drink, and she left to go to another concert.I have been having serious problems with this, and although my boyfriend and I have talked about it, he says my feelings are stupid and immature, and he loves me. He said they weren't even a thing... but would he have made her a bracelet if they weren't? If she really wanted to "meet" me, why didn't she say a word to me? I am so confused, and I hate feeling this way. I am wondering if I am crazy for feeling this way... I know he wouldn't hurt me intentionally and I trust he wouldn't cheat... That's not what hurts -- I don't know what hurts, honestly. It's destroying me and I feel like I won't get over it until he understands why I have a problem with it. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Or am I at all justified? How do I go about talking again without being annoying?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 August 2015):
Spend more time trying to figure out the things you are upset over. Your boyfriend has not done anything wrong and neither his ex. You are just nit picking at the events that happened. The more you feed your insecurities the worse it will become. You will be inviting your own abandonment and that is not where you want to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): Alright, I know that I was being a little irrational and overreacting. I do have an inferiority complex due to my past, which is something I work on, but this caught me at a bad time, I've been feeling like shit about myself due to life circumstances. My anxiety over it was extreme and probably still is.Honestly, I feel okay with it. Rationally, I know I should feel okay. What I don't feel okay with is that he called my feelings about it stupid and immature. I have always had a hard time being open with my feelings (hence their intensity when I do), so being told that kind of made me feel crazy, and made me think of all of those stupid petty things even more. Sure, drunk or hungover is not the best time to talk about emotions. I don't think he meant for it to hurt me the way it did and it was just a moment of frustration for him. All I want is for him to understand, but I don't know how to ask for it. It's all new to me, and I'm glad I feel comfortable enough to want to share my feelings with him. It's a huge step for me to open up to someone. How do I go about talking about it again without making it seem like I'm just being crazy and insecure again? The girl is really not my problem anymore, though I admit thinking about how it all went down still kind of hurts.I regret having that conversation with him while I was drunk and hungover, both times.. I want to have a rational conversation and have him understand me, and not feel crazy for feeling this way. -- OP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2015): Oh sweetheart! The way you are feeling must be so awful! He hasn't done anything wrong here, as he wasn't with you and it's in his past. That information isn't anything you don't know already I know, but he can't change what happened before you, and you can't change it either. I think you are entitled to get him to take down the pictures when I got together with my partner, I asked him to take down the pictures of him with his ex on fb, which he did, truth is they didn’t bother him but he knew they did me, but they are still a bit imprinted in my mind! This is more about what your man felt for someone in the past, and therefore you are comparing it to what he feels for you now.I agree with the others, he wouldn't be with you if he didn't feel deeply for you. Get him to take them down and be honest with him. Tell him she is beautiful and you feel threatened for what he felt for her, and what you need is his reassurance.His feelings for her- like mine for his ex- are in the past. You are his present and his future
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 August 2015):
 Feelings are not something you justify. You either have it or not. I believe crying and having to drink and smoke over this were extreme. The level of anxiety is not normal. It's not about your intellect or maturity but rather your sense of security in this relationship. Maybe you thought he has a certain standard in beauty and you aren't matching up. I don't think meeting her again would be a good idea because your goal should be to move on from this and to stop forming images of them in your head.
People only post good stuff on instagram. That app is good at making people addictive, both watchers and posters. They offer reward prizes, cash draws for people who post the most interesting colourful pictures to look at. It's different from twitter and Facebook that it only shows the glorious sides of people. Twitter has more people on there bitching about life while on Facebook you get to message people and know their true story.
If you want your boyfriend to take down the pictures of that girl you have a right to. He also has a right to his keepsakes, a memory of a brief romance with her. You decide if you can live with it. Although it would help if you can talk to him in a nice way and keep your emotions in control. People are more likely to help when they don't feel accused and there's no drama.
There is nothing more to talk about regarding this. You can only do your best in this relationship and trusting that he loves you just the way you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 August 2015):
 If she had REALLY wanted to get to know you, she wouldn't have done it at a public forum such as a concert. (IMHO)
She did want to met you, but not to befriend you. I think it was more of a peace offering so you can see there is no threat from her.
My guess is they are good friends, and they know they aren't a good couple. Hence only dating for a month.
His and her past posts about "lovey dovey" stuff is irrelevant as it ALL happened BEFORE you and him met. Being jealous of his part is... well... pointless, as you can't change it, he can't change it.
I think what it comes down to is jealousy. You feel like people are comparing you to her (maybe you do it yourself) and you feel you fall short.
HE wouldn't BE with you if he didn't CARE deeply for you. IF he really LOVED her in a GF/BF/partner sort of way... don't you think they would have made it work?
I think you should met her on neutral ground like all of you 3 go out to a dinner/lunch and chat. That way you can "stake" your claim on your BF (so to speak) and get a feel for her. Having pictures of herself in lingerie on Instangram is not uncommon for girls on your age-group. Though to me is scream of "LOOK AT ME - LOOK AT ME" mind of mentality and I find that so sad.
He has a past, she is part of that past, she is part of his here and now, and if you can't handle that... maybe you should walk away.
MANY people seem quite able to have dated a friend, and then go back to friendships.
As for the bracelet, he was younger then, trying to impress a girl.. (her) At least he didn't get a tattoo with her name on... it's JUST a piece of leather.
He is with you. NOT her. You are not the only female in his world, but you are THE one he is with.
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