A
female
age
22-25,
smearest_butterfly
writes:I have met a guy through some friends and we were just friendly to begin with. I was interested but I thought he wasn't. Then as I had planned a trip to Greece, I went out the night before my flight and he happened to be there. We just acted friendly and then he started texting me but I didnt see the texts till about later that night when he was gone. He practically said he liked me and that he would have done something about it had he known I was single. I txt him from greece and then things got a bit warmer. He kept texting me daily and it was all good. When I came back we met at a club again and because my friend was smashed I had to take her back to mine and he helped. That night I found it a bit weird and awkward that he self-invited himself to sleep in my bed with me. We just slept and he didn't seem any awkward. So after that we started spending time together. After 3 days he kissed me for the first time and 3 days after that he said he liked me. A week later we had sex for first time and I told him I thought it was too early and that I didnt wanna ruin IT. Then he reassured me various times that the only way I could ruin "US" was by sleeping with someone else. He also said somethings that I thought were a bit too strong..like "you're mine" and when I asked him if he'd go out with me he said "Of course I would. I'd love to be that guy". After that though because I didn't feel quite sure about him keeping our relationship that way (because I've been dumped so many times after sex before) I started pushing him to spend more and more time with me. After 2 and a half weeks I even cooked dinner for him. He freaked out and then 2 days after dinner he said over the phone that I've taken us too seriously considering how early it is. I didn't like that cause it kinda implied he didn't want a relationship so I reacted like I wasn't meant to be taken lightly and then he flipped and he said that if I think he's taken me lightly I don't know him at all and he hung up saying he'll txt. I txt him staight away saying I was sorry for pushing him for time but I only did it cause I'm happy with him. (Wrong I know). He didn't txt back. In these 2 weeks I'd met all his friends and I had invited some round for dinner the next day after the phonecall, so he was invited too. Stepping on that dinner I text him asking how he was and saying that I was expecting a txt and whether he's coming for dinner or not. I gave him 30 mins to reply but he didn't, so I called. I got no reply and that worked me up. I sent a txt saying that I've not treated him any bad to deserve such a blanking and that I need to know what's happening. He replied to that saying that he wont come for dinner and that he thinks we should chill a bit if that was ok. I said that is all fine but we needed to talk for 10 mins somewhere outside. He tried to avoid it cause he said he wasnt ready to talk and that it was a short notice and he was feeling uncomfortable. I demanded it though cause I said that it can't always be how HE feels, since I am involved in the situation too and I needed to talk. He got outside and we talked. He said that this is going too fast and none of his previous relationships has been so fast..he asked for time and he said we should back off a bit. He also said that it is a good thing this happened in the first weeks of our relationship and that it's great that he was gonna go home for a few days cause he'll be more relaxed there to think than here. He said he finds weird getting so many txts from me cause I don't know him that well, even though he did admit he started the texts thingie cause he claims it to be a safer way to get to know someone that actively spending time together cause you can say things you feel a bit easier. I said that I think the best way to get to know someone is by actually spending time with them but that I was willing to play it his way. I then asked him if all this meant us breaking up and if he wanted such a thing or not and he said that it's not that and that he'd say if it was that. He just said we need to chill a bit cause I am too intense and it puts him off. Also at a point he tried mentioning his previous relationship which I know had massively hurt him and it only ended before christmas, but I asked not to know about it. I agreed with the time off situation and when we were leaving he said he promises to see me soon. I didn't bug him at all that day but I did ask his friends discreetly what he'd told them about me and he only had mention me as his lady apparently. Following morning he txt to ask how was our evening. I replied to that and then stopped, but in the evening I got weak and I found an excuse to bug him again, asking about the frisbee training cause he's the captain of the frisbee team. He replied to that txt an hour later but not to the following one in which I was asking where's the training. The day after that he sent another txt asking how I was and how my work is going. I replied a bit belated cause I'd not seen it and I assumed he'd gone to bed and he didn't reply, not that there was anything to be replied really. I was just nagging about how hard my uni exams are and that I might quit the medicine idea. The morning after that he txt explaining how he'd fallen asleep on that night and he asked me how come I was quiting on something I wanted so much. SO we talked a bit about that and he stopped texting after telling me that he was excited to be going home soon. On the day I knew he was going home however I couldn't help it but txt him to ask to confirm that he got home ok since he was driving there, and to be fair he did reply when he got there and he only asked if I was ok. Then I went crazy and I asked whether his sis was back and whether he was gonna go out with his bro and things..kind of fishing for a conversation thing. Of course I got no reply!! I'm still blaming myself for that. At the moment I'm just sitting back waiting for him to get back here and see how he'll be. However I am the kind of person who needs to know what's going on to be happy. I can't just stay here and assume things but I can't really bug him anymore since he said he's not ready to talk and that he can't take pressure. What I would like from your point of view is to tell me whether you think he does really like me and what he says is normal or not, cause I might be paranoid here but I don't think ever anyone who does actively like someone else would ask for time off, nor that he'd think that anytime spent with that someone is too much.
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female
reader, smearest_butterfly +, writes (4 May 2008):
smearest_butterfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm so freaked out! I was talking to his friend (with whom we hang out from time to time) and I think he likes me..he's hinted it a few times. I also think that he uses what my guy doesn't like about me to get me to like him! Cause he said he likes hugging a lot -very randomly- whereas my guy doesn't and I do! When i said I'm gonna go he said "you always leave me wanting more".. WHAT shall i do? Shall i call my guy and ask him what's going on with your mate??!!
A
female
reader, PreciousNY  +, writes (4 May 2008):
I have to agree with Older Sister on this one. He is playing awful mind games with you trying to gain control of your life. He is the one who came on too strong, and when you fell into his trap, he turned the tables on you. Not a good start to a relationship at all and I don't think is is one of the "good" ones.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (4 May 2008):
 Wow, you really don't see it do you? He's totally messing with your head. Maybe the others are right, you are more needy and clingy than I gave you credit for. It's only been a day and you are calling this unfixible? That's your only concern about him? Oh well.
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A
female
reader, smearest_butterfly +, writes (4 May 2008):
smearest_butterfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh just to let you know that there has been a day gone and there has been no communication at all, first time this has happened! I really think this might be unfixable.
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A
female
reader, smearest_butterfly +, writes (4 May 2008):
smearest_butterfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you peeps for the reply! It really helps me a lot. I kinda do see what peter pan and mskate are saying and I did admit to overcrowding his life. However, do you think this is fixable? I mean how much damage could have been done?
As for Ask oldersister I think this is a rather harsh way to judge someone and he might have meant what he said but I think he's rather bad at communicating things..well time will show I assume!
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A
female
reader, mskate +, writes (4 May 2008):
I agree with PeterPan.
How can he miss you when you're always in his face, texting, phoning, etc? It's natural for him to run if he's being chased.
I'm sure you want him to know that you're a sweet and lovely girl who'll be there for him when he figures himself out. Trust me, he already knows that. Your constant availability just makes you appear needy and pathetic. (not saying that you are... just saying that it makes you APPEAR pathetic.) And needy is exactly what he wants to avoid when he says "we need to chill a bit."
So, don't worry about it. He likes you! but he's cautious. Show him that you're independent and make him chase you.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (4 May 2008):
 This was a mouthful to get through... but I read the whole thing and I'm gonna try to give some kind of answer.
The first thing I'm wondering is if you are getting a little overly obsessed with this guy. I'm saying that because something like this happened to me lately. My ex decided that I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Me, being mindful of myself (just having ended a long-term relationship) was being careful about getting re-attached to anyone so soon. So, I had it in my head that no matter who I was dating, I was going to take things very slow... but, my (now ex) decided that she wanted to take every available moment of my time. After awhile, it got to be annoying. I couldn't get a minute to myself, I got text messages constantly, email... Finally, for my own sanity, I had to say "we're done".
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, yes you could be crowding him. Personally, I would recommend giving him space. Let him contact you. Try to keep all that concern in your back pocket and not let it race around in your head, forcing to send messages... chill!
In the meantime, I would seriously recommend that you treat this like he was a close friend. Don't be sitting around waiting for him to contact you. Head out, have fun... hell, meet somebody else. Spend some quality "me" time. Do you see what I'm saying here?
Best of luck!!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (4 May 2008):
You are a smart girl and I can tell you will do very well and be successful in life. It's not often that you come across someone so level headed, objective, rational, sensitive/respectful to others and someone who also demands reality checks and pulls over and asks what's going on in the relationship. You have confidence and a lot of fairness in you! So refreshing :)
Look, this guy is trying so hard to throw you off balance and suck you into his games and it's not working. You are too strong. Yes, he likes you alot, who wouldn't? You are so far ahead of him in your emotional capacity to love, commit and respect your partner and he's not working from that foundation. This is not a man comfortable with an equal distribution of power in a relationship- the back and forth pulling away and coming on strong is a common tactic designed to get you confused and break down your resistance. He likes you but he's not coming from the right place or intent. He wants to break you down. Your instincts were dead-on in the beginning and when someone as grounded as you are starts feeling a lot of confusion, this should set off a little warning bell in your head that something's not right about the person. When a person starts behaving mercurial in the beginning of a relationship, mixing pleasure and pain, involving your emotions, you get weaker and weaker while they get stronger and stronger. You are already blaming yourself, questioning your reality, NO MA'AM.
"Then he reassured me various times that the only way I could ruin "US" was by sleeping with someone else"- no, that's simply not true. He's not infallable and to confidently assert otherwise, is a manipulation. It's a trap.
"He also said somethings that I thought were a bit too strong"- I agree. Then he turns around and makes you feel crazy for having reasonable expectations like cooking dinner for him. You belong to him but....you are getting too serious? Contradiction.
"he said that if I think he's taken me lightly I don't know him at all" - he says that right after he tells you to keep it light. See how he's breaking you down by pushing and pulling? Nice way to drive someone crazy. It's evil.
"I gave him 30 mins to reply but he didn't, so I called"- he didn't respond to that either, disrespectful. So now you are not only taking things too seriously but now you are not even worth a response? This is from a guy that initially told you "I'd love to be that guy" when it came to being your boyfriend. NICE.
"I demanded it though cause I said that it can't always be how HE feels"- Good girl! You are too strong for him and he is going to do everything he can to change that, trust me on that one.
"I got weak and I found an excuse to bug him again"- it's okay, that's normal when this is being done to you. However, it should be a warning that what he is doing is starting to work- you will begin checking with him to get a reality barometer- don't do it. This is where you will start to feel addicted to the cycles and start to lose power. It feels like an attachment to him but it's not.
"He said that this is going too fast"- He set this expectation in the beginning, remember? You said he came on strong but now YOU are the one that's chasing and pushing because now he's getting control over you. You are playing into his game. This is where you should have said "You are right. You are obviously not comfortable with the expectations you set and now neither am I. Let's agree this isn't working but it was fun while it lasted, thanks!" You should have called him on his shit, called his bluff. Now he knows he can redefine your boundaries, UH OH. NOT GOOD.
"SO we talked a bit about that and he stopped texting after telling me that he was excited to be going home soon"- Lovely. This was deliberately said to make you feel less important. Howdya feel after that dig?
"At the moment I'm just sitting back waiting for him to get back here and see how he'll be". WOW, what happened to that smart girl who had a grasp of reality? He's calling the shots now and you are not coming from a position of power or value.
"I am the kind of person who needs to know what's going on to be happy"- Yes, poster, this is reasonable and he usurped this from you and is now the puppet-master.
"I can't just stay here and assume things but I can't really bug him anymore since he said he's not ready to talk and that he can't take pressure"- Now, you are not even confident to demand what you need. Sad.
You have fallen prey to a very sophisticated seducer. It's textbook. You may not want to believe this but I can assure you of what will happen next: he will become bored and dismissive. You will become emotional and needy.
There is nothing wrong with you, you aren't weak or powerless, you just don't know what hit you. You ignored your gut feelings and that has come at a price, this could set you back years if you continue and you won't recognize the person you will become. Put your emotions on the backburner, okay? You need to stop analyzing and get out. No talks or discussions with him that give him the opportunity to manipulate your emotions, okay? You're too subjective right now and you don't trust what you're feeling like you used to. This is NOT GOOD. Do whatever it takes to cut him off completely.
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