A
female
age
41-50,
*hortee taez
writes:I've been with this guy for 6 years. I stood by his side through thick and thin, I put up with things that I would never have. Ok lately in the past year our relationship has crumbled, he's been totally emotionally abusive towards me. He claims it's because I don't keep a neat home, I have 5 kids, of course it's not perfect. He wants me to cater to his every need but yet it's been about 3 years since he even took time to spend with me. He took me out about 4 times in our relationship. He doesn't spend any time alone with me, I dont get compliments at all. He doesn't notice anything. I just got my nails done with my sister a week ago, two days ago he commented on my sister's nails, he said look, got her nails done, I'm like I did too damn you, didnt notice? That made me feel worse.I'm not a bad looking woman and I have a really good heart. What should Ii do? Should I stay or go? He yells at me all day long, he tells me oh I work and you sleep all day you lazy etc.. ok that's crap cause I'm up all day and all night with his two little girls we have together. 3 years and 5 months. I'm hurting inside and I dont know what to do, I pay my own bills, I supply my kids with what they need on my own. Oh yeah he works but have bills to pay from his check which includes child support for his other child, fines and whatever he's spending it on but it doesn't include help paying my bills in the house he lives in. When I ask for help with bills its always my check was short or why you aint paying it, or ok but then he pops smack about it and when I ask for money for me he's like what you did with your money?and when he gives it to me he wants to know were every penny was spent. Oh I give him money when he needs it or if I've got it and I don't question about it. I do love him but I'm tired of feeling like crap and I'm tired of being hurt, I have a huge emotional scar on my heart and it's ripping me apart, please help let me know if I'm just plain crazy to leave... is this how its supposed to be... or should I kick him to the curb?
View related questions:
emotionally abusive, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, not confusious  +, writes (3 January 2010):
You are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship and everything you have described are traits of an emotional abuser right down to him moaning about the house being messy. I to am in one and have only just identified with what people like my partner do to people like you and me. My advice..find the strength to leave this man. Search the web for sites about emotional abusers as this helped me become strong and understand what is happening with my feelings and it even made me realise that what he has done has made me the way i am today. Everything he is doing is in an attempt to control and isolate you and if you stay there long enough you will be victim to him, you will slowly lose your friends and push away your family. You will feel useless and helpless as you have 5 children and think you need him. You are already indepentant of him so start putting into place a plan for you and the children. Make a list of reasons why you should stay and reasons why you should leave, this excercise will open your eyes.
Whatever you decide to do, you will eventually see him for who he is. Took me 15 years to see the real man i wasted my life with, but whatever you decide just remember you are not alone. Its not your fault and you dont deserve to be in that relationship just because you havent left yet.
Emotional abuse is misunderstood and hard for "victims" to explain and talk about it. It is so cruel as a lot of people dont understand what it can do to victims of emotional abuse. its easy to say "leave him" but the whole reason why you havent is because of the emotional abuse. He has beat your self confidence down and made you feel like you cant live without him. Move on girl, it is easy to say, but im speaking from experience. It very rarely ends up a happy ending. Good luck and take care x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): this isn't what love is. I know it easier to say then do(I have a problem in this site myself) Get organised youself, so that you know you can leave, but still provide for your children. He doesn't seem to be helping either emotionally or with money. Find you and your children a way forward
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): well he got paid today he was suppose to give me the light bill money.he said he got 300 today only(bullcrap)so he can give me 150. he took a few of his things and stayed supposely with his mom for now, he did that cause our ceiling fell in our room and we relocated up stairs.i feel like he abandoned us for the meanwhile,but maybe he is gone for good. im hurt but i can mend i just want to be happy in my life,ill keep yall updated thanks for all the love from you guys it really meant alot.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 December 2009):
 Something more is going on. I can't put my finger on it.
I can understand with 5 kids under one roof that a house will not stay neat 24/7 ( I have 3) and my house looks GREAT til about 3:15 pm then... it looks like a bomb went off. I do NOT run behind my kids and pick up either. I refuse. However, they are made to clean up before dinner every day. And they do. Consequences are being grounded for a day which means no sports or friends the next day and they all really don't like that.
How old are your kids? If they are older then (maybe 7?) I would start making a chore chart for each kid. Make them pitch in. You are their mother, not their maid. You obviously work so can not spend the same amount of time cleaning house as a stay at home mom.
As far as your man, gosh, I don't know where to start. Firstly, does he not contribute AT ALL to the household bills? Food, mortgage(rent), electric, phone, cable ? If not, WHY? He is basically just a live-in sponge who treats you like dirt and YOU are paying the bill for it. You are more like his Mom them his GF/Partner.
To be really frank I suggest that the two of you have a sit down ( without any kids around) and talk about what you want from each other. If he keeps it up I would dump him in a split second. Actually I'm not sure I would even talk to him first, but hey that is just me, YOU on the other hand have 6 years with this guy.
Did he become a jerk "over night" or has it just built up? And how have you responded? Did you start out catering to him and then getting fed up with it?
One thing you should know is this, it is VERY typical for a guy who is cheating, to be rude and mean to his partner as the affair progress. It is easier for a cheater to blame their partner for THEM cheating then actually owning their own actions. So bear that in mind too. Do you see any other red flags?
I know I'm all over the place in this post, things just pop in my head today.
Consider how HE treats you, affect YOUR children. Is that how you want your BOY(s) to think a man should treat a woman? Or your GIRL(s) to grow up thinking THIS is OK for a man to do to them? Don't forget Monkey see, monkey do. Kids DO adapt patterns as far as partners from things they grew up with. Some kids pick a partner totally opposite but many ( myself included) pick someone similar to the male/female they grew up with as role models ( mom/dad/step mom/step dad).
Think on it.
Your relationship is dysfunctional to say the least and you know it. Don't let habit ( you being used to having him around) ruin your life and your chance of love, happiness and respect. ( You deserve all 3)
...............................
A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 This is my guess here but you know there is the craze where guys are starting to play bad boy right? I'm affraid you've fallen victim to it and your partner has become corrupt by it. Can you see that in him? I started to laugh about it when they tried to sell a CD on television saying these bunch of opera singers were bad boys... lol. A real bad boy is mean on the outside but sweet on the inside especially to his lady. So yeah, I think he's just playing bad boy the wrong way, or the way you would before you'd date. "Treat em mean, keep em keen"
I'm not speaking for all guys here but we often treat a good looking lady like crap or joke around alot, it really bugs them to the point they want to know WHY! Its better than telling them we love them because all you've done in the past is run away from those heartfelt words.
My guess in finalising this, he's picked up on the bad boy thing through a mate or somthing and/or somebody's influenced him in that aspect to start treating you like that but hes completley playing it the wrong way. and soon he will lose you forever.
The bad boy thing also does not work with a mature minded, classy woman such as yourself either, it seems as though he's lacking the maturity to understand his own age and resposibilities around both of your children.
I'd spell it to him in plain english your leaving him if he dosent wake up and smell the roses, and to grow up and act like a real man instead of a silly little boy.
Be strong, no tears, you can do it. I'm not sure if he's violent capable but if you fear to say those things then maybey its best to just leave one day and leave a note of goodbye. after all its better to live a life of happiness. and no draaaaaaamas!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): You are in a dysfunctional relationship with a toxic partner. It's not normal. It's not what you deserve. Women who put up with abusive partners haave issues too. These men will never change and they love nobody. You should leave him. There's nothing good to look forward to with him and no hope of change for the better. Things WILL get worst because this kind of man understand you must have a very low self esteem to put up with his abuse and each time he is going to respect you even less.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): if you were to write a list with two sides on it..
things you hate---
things you love---
and were to go and get it for yourself, which would you get the most of?
in relationships things change and so do people, when hate out weighs the love, its time to move on.
why not put in black and white what you have said on here and then follow what your gut is telling you.
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (10 December 2009):
 This is not even close to what love's supposed to be like. Love is supposed to be sharing your life with your other half and making them feel good, not penny pinching and treating them like they are the dirt under your shoes. If he's living in your house he needs to start paying money towards it...houses don't keep themselves up you know.
He has been getting a free ride by putting you down and it's time for all this to stop. For you and the sake of your children - who have to watch this every day and will think this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman - get out and start rebuilding your life. You and your children deserve only the best.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, starrbaby +, writes (10 December 2009):
 OMG girl!!! The question is not are you crazy to leave but are you crazy for staying??? Don't take me wrong we have all had our fair share of BS off men/women but girl yes this man is using the hell outta you. Why would he do anything for you? HE DOESN'T HAVE TO!!! You seriously need to get into a good counselor & learn how to love and respect "YOU" until that happens give up on ANY man doing right by you. More importantly, you have chosen a man and a lifestyle of this sort, your children didn't but now they're stuck there in this mess too. Each one learning this behavior to grow up and most likely repeat, whether they play his role "the asshole" or yours "the victim". Girl I understand you might be scared esp. having 5 kids but if you ever get out, get yourself together, and find one of the "good men" demand respect for as well as your children you will be amazed how beautiful life can be. However, it does start with you and inevitably you are the only one that holds the power to changing your situation. I'll guarantee you not only a better life but he will see what he has lost and most likely try running back with the story of change. If you fall back know that usually with this type of person they will see you only as weak and they will usually end up worse then than before. So good luck to ya! Stay strong! & kep us posted on things...
-Starr
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): start kicking honey, you deserve someone who treasures you, and everything about you. This loser was just a chapter in your life and it is over, time to turn the page for you and your kids, they dont need to be near all of that negativity
You go Girl
-Meigha
...............................
|
