A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,nI'm currently living with my parents as I've just graduated and it's quite crowded, I've also just found out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend lives 100 miles away but has said if I choose to keep it he will move down and get a part time job although he has said he does not want it and hasn't proven to be supportive with me. I am also waiting on a start date for a job in the police that I've been hired for. I have been in two minds about it from the beginning as I've been given so many different opinions. If I decide to keep it I will get my own place, and I'm worried about the emotional effects if I choose not to. I can't decide what is the best thing to do, and it feels like such a confusing time. I need help and opinions to try and help me make my decision. Is 21 a young age to have a baby? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 October 2017):
 *hugs OP*
I'm sorry for your loss.
While miscarriages are actually very common, it's not a nice thing to go through.
Take this opportunity to tweak your birth control (if you were on something, switch brands and if you still seeing your BF - USE condoms on top of whatever BC you are using. THAT way you have a bigger chance of not being in this position until you are fully ready for a baby.)
Chin up, OP
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2017): Thanks for your advice guys. Today I found out I had a miscarriage after deciding I did want to keep the baby. Gutted doesn't even come close x
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 Without knowing any more than what you write, if I was in your shoes, I probably would have kept the child, but ditched the boyfriend. He's not being very supportive you say, and what does he mean "part time job"? Does he mean he does not want to work and make money? Sounds like he expects you to foot the bills. He will need to pay up, regardless of whether he moves or not. So if he's got a better job where he is at, I would just let him stay there, get the money for child support, STAY with my parents if possible (trust me, you will want to have the extra help) and then follow through with the policejob.
But that's only because Im 100% certain I would never be able to stop dreaming about and thinking about my child if I was to have an abortion, and I would risk crying my eyes out for the rest of my life if I had one. But if you think you're mentally strong enough to go through with an abortion: yes, now is not the best of times to have a child, and I would recommend you never have a child with your current boyfriend. He does not sound like he's up for the part, and if I was you I would resent him for the rest of my life for this. So for me, the relationship would be dead.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (26 October 2017):
 I had a baby when I was 20. I was not prepared emotionally but at that point in time, young ladies did NOT have a child out of wedlock, it was frowned upon immensely. We tried to do the right thing, got married, tried to be a family. My then husband was also 20 and extremely immature. He had wanted the baby (I was leaning towards adoption), so he was supportive in that way, but he just didn't have it together. We divorced 2 years later. So at 22, I was a single mom, going to college, working and had a 2 year old.
I had an EXTREMELY supportive family. Mom, dad, sister and an incredible grandmother. They helped me, watched my daughter while I worked, went to college, and gave her love and a family life. Her dad was out of the picture as soon as the divorce papers were filed. He basically ignored our daughter till she was 16, because he was too busy playing around, being married 4 more times (yeah, you read that right).
Don't count on this guy being with you long term. He sounds very flaky and has already said he's really not on team "let's have the baby".
Do you want the child? Can you raise it alone? Do you have a strong support system in your family? friends? WHAT do YOU want? Only you can answer these questions. People make mistakes, and there's no shame in admitting this wasn't the right time for a baby..but many children come into the world unplanned and the parents are excellent parents, just a little shocked at first! Think of the unborn child...what can you offer? Don't think just now, think into the future. Can you see yourself as a single mom? Working and having a child?
In my case, I got remarried when my daughter was 4, and she had a loving caring stepfather that treated her as his very own child. We had a really nice life for a very long time and she was secure and happy. She is now 36 and will soon be a doctor!
You have a little bit of time so think things over. Think about what is best for both you and the child. Talk to people that you trust, your family, perhaps a minister, child services.
I wish you well. Its a very hard decision. I've been there. Keep your head on your shoulders and you will be alright. Good luck sweetie. Let us know how things go.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 Okay so you are still young at 21, but I wouldn't say to young to be a mother, there are plenty mothers who are younger than you. First off you are pregnant and there is a baby growing inside you so you need to decide what is best for you. Can you talk to your mother or a doctor? Personally I could never forgive myself for having an abortion and it would live with me, I also would never be able to give birth to a baby and hand them over to someone else, so for me the only choice at your age would have been to have the baby. You need to figure what will work for you, it is your body and your choice on what you do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2017): Even if you have a baby now there is nothing stopping you from applying to join the police again in a year or so time. But if you have the baby then from what you've said it sounds like it'll be you looking after it on your own with little to no help from your boyfriend. Do you have close family or friends that can help and support you? Bringing up a child on your own will be tough but there is nothing wrong with having a child young.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2017): I agree with Honeypie.It depends. How mature and independent are you? Even if you have help now (and I sincerely hope you do), things change and you may find yourself a sole provider for your child.Before you make decision, you must start from the possibility that nobody but you will be in the picture. Emotionally, logistically and financially.It can be scary. You may even think looking around that none of the parents you see are perfect raising their children in ideal conditions. True. But this is your life, your baby, your responsibility FOR LIFE.Speaking of your life. What are your goals, desires...? Baby changes everything. It's an immediate priority. Nothing comes close. And it's your priority. It's sad, but that's the reality of the world we live in. Men do not become fathers the minute their partners get pregnant, but we become mothers. For instance you have to start thinking about your and baby's health straight away. Your body changes. Your emotions change. And you don't have to be perfect, far from it, but you have to be responsible. Remember that children do not ask to be born. We make that decision and the honest thing to do is to be prepared to do our best that is also enough for the kid. Just saying I'm doing what I can doesn't cut it unless it's really enough to secure a safe loving environment for your baby in all aspects. When I was your age, I lost my parents and had to grow up really fast, reorganize my life, earn my living, finish my studies and be an adult. I could honestly say that I wasn't ready for the kid. But it's important what you think and what you can do.Don't let anyone decide for you. It's your call.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 October 2017):
 I think whatever you choose will be difficult, but you have to think about what's best for your future and that of the baby's, if you don't have an abortion before it becomes one.
You have just graduated, so still need to build up a career, savings, get your own place, pay off debts, be an adult in an adult environment, etc. Is it fair to you or a baby to throw a baby in there too and hope for the best?
You still live at home, which is normal at your age, but not wise when someone decides to have a baby. You have little adulthood experience and will ideally spend a few years figuring it all out before adding a baby to it.
As for the boyfriend, a part-time job will not pay bills, let alone pay for all of the necessities a baby requires, so he's not remotely committed or mature enough. You can't rely on him and he clearly doesn't want this right now.
I am sorry you're in this situation and it's your decision, but I do think you're not in a good situation to support yourself and a baby. You have little money of your own, no place of your own, no stable job or career and a boyfriend who is telling you he won't be happy if he has to take responsibility.
Yes, you're very young and it's likely to be much harder emotionally, mentally and physically if you keep it. However, a lot of that is because you haven't had a chance to support yourself yet, let alone a baby.
If you're able to have an abortion, it's not a baby yet, so you aren't "letting them down" or "abandoning them". You will likely do well with counselling, but it will allow you to start your adult life before bringing a dependent being into it. Adoption isn't letting them down or abandoning them either; they would hopefully be adopted by parents who are ready, but you'd likely need therapy to help you through that.
The decision is yours, but think about your life as a single mother (it's likely you will become one), then as yourself being able to start a career, get stability, save up some money, get your own place, find a committed boyfriend, THEN start a family.
Either way, you need to get on birth control asap and never have sex without a condom too. Both contraceptives should be used until someone is ready to be a parent.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 October 2017):
For me, 21 would have been too young. I was not that mature at 21. I was still in college, had a BF and partying. So definitely NOT a good time for me to have a child.
You seem to know what you want and where you want to go. Which means you are probably more mature than I was at 21.
Will your parents help support you if you have the baby?
Can YOU support yourself as a single mom? Because the BF might NOT keep his word, he seems to be dragging his feet but saying the right things... Saying the right things isn't the same as DOING the right things.
Can you still go forward with your job working for the police?
And lastly, HOW do you feel about it all?
Plenty of young girls have successfully become moms early in life. Plenty of girls have NOT had success with it.
You have 3 choices:
1. Have the baby.
2. Put the baby up for adoption.
3. Have an abortion.
If #1,2 or 3 doesn't sit right with you, then don't do it. I don't know if the NHS has to counsel for pregnant teens and women who are unsure of what to do. I'd look into that. And talk to your mom and dad. Family can be a vital support network.
But I think you NEED to consider that YOU are the one who will be in charge of whatever decision you make. that your BF doesn't seem to participate right now. Still, I think you DO need to have a conversation with him and what HE thinks should happen. In the end, though, it's your body and thus YOUR choice. And YOU will be the one living with that choice.
...............................
|
