A
female
age
36-40,
*C2213
writes:I need help please I Feel patheticI met this guy two years ago. He was great he was always guarded we went out on dates for three months didn't sleep together til then. He was great to my son. I have a Lil boy. I ended up moving in with him, and it was great. I've always felt he was too good for me because he has amazing family and I don't. I grew up very different but that made me strong and independent. I was open with him about me and who I am and this is who I am this is what you get my son too. We'll my son loves him adores him. I helped with the fire dept. He's now a probationary fire fighter but he broke up with me during the begining because he said he couldnt find a balance. Wanted me to move and all. It all happened out of no where. So I was going to then he realized I was leaving and worked it out. I'm an Aries I do get jealous here and there but never psycho. I always lift him up I took care of him no matter how rejected he made me feel or lonely. I have to say he is the best man I have ever met in my entire life. He broke up with me 3 weeKS ago because he thought I was being insecure packed things and went to his mom for three days sent me a text saying he was going to live with his mom that he would pay half the rent but he couldn't lI've with someone who made me him feel unhappy.he is the one whose always depressed and crying about work because he hasn't found his pace he's only been in the fire dept for 4 months. And it's been going for as long as we've been together. The week before he dumped he talked to me about marriage and how i was the best thing that ever happened to him and he and I would do better to communicate and not lose each other. Then it happened. Out of no where. He came home 5 days later and acted like he hated me and ignored me. Was only nice to my son. It ripped me inside out. I cried for days and daysAnd days so confused. Well last week we had sex yes we did. For 4 hours. The best sex ever and he told me how much he loved me and how he missed made love to me like never before. The next morning he couldn't keep his hands off me and me and my son went to church for an hour I made him food before I left and I said I loved him he said it back. And I came back and he hugged me. So he took us out and then I asked him for a kiss and he please don't make me do that. I was like wtf. Now he's telling me he will leave me the apt to find a roomie. I was working 45 min from home and my sons school was there by my job he asked me to get a job down here and I said r u sure because If I do I want this to work please. Please he said yes it willl. Well I got a great job great pay with benefits been here now two months. And this second month we've been broken up now going on 3 weeks. And I love him so much so much. This morning I told him look I will change I will work on me but I know you love me let your heart soften please. And he just looked tired of hearing it. Every day I wake up at 4.45 am to make him food and walk him to the car before he starts his shift. And even though were no longer a couple I still do that cook clean wash and still work and take of my son and iron his uniform. What have I done? I am so broken.help me BTW I'm 30 he's 27
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female
reader, RC2213 +, writes (29 October 2017):
RC2213 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone I've prayed about this and your advice and you are all right. Really. My son deserves better, me.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (28 October 2017):
 You do realise that he isn't the only guy out there that is emotional while still seeming manly? He's not the stud you think he is.. a real "stud" of a man will not act like a 15 year old, muck you about and FAIL TO COMMIT to you! By saying one thing one week and another next week- that shows his feelings aren't genuine love- that is CONSISTENT and UNWAVERING and it won't be long before he realises what a mistake he made getting you to uproot you and your SON'S life
You're feeling like you won't find someone else as special and unique as him, well this is what EVERYONE feels in the run up to any breakup. Whoever you fall in love with will be WONDERFULLY UNIQUE.
Emotions produce IRRATIONAL thoughts. The things you're convincing yourself of are NOT facts. They're products of your brain telling you what you want to hear to cushion you against the excruciatingly painful truth- that THIS is not going to work.
He fancies you and has affections for you, but doesn't give you the respect you deserve. Anybody needs more than what he offers you.
Please take your rose tints off. Of course there are times when people have rays of optimism where they try n convince themselves "I *guess* I do love him/her!" "maybe I will buy that scrathcard for a tenner,I might just win 100 grand" etc.- it's a nice little ideal! But it's NOT REALITY. IT CAN'T BE SUSTAINED. IT'S A WEAKNESS WE KID OURSELVES WITH. He probably feels guilty for *constantly* mucking you around and is just trying to make amends by kidding himself this is what he *has* to do! If you up and go it won't last.
Honoypie summed it up well- he isn't mentally stable enough (with the emotional problems) or mature enough to know what he wants. Yes there ARE people of ALL ages that just don't grow up.
I will tell you one thing- if we geuninely want something we do not KEEP spitting it out.
Please find better for yourself and your SON. It ISN'T FAIR for your son to constantly witness you wrecked in tears witnessing this guy mucking you about- like Honeypie said, it's going to set a bad example of how you treat women, like this coming and going on a whim is the norm! It's also deeply unfair for you to uproot you and your son's life for someone that's proved they are unstable by nature.
You have done well to become the INDEPENDENT, ASTUTE woman you are.. I bet anything he could not make his way in the world as well as you if he didn't have his family.
It's time to be strong. It might be one of the hardest things you'll have to do, but there is your CHILD and your SANITY at stake here, really.. it must be so painful for him to see YOU in so mich pain.
Please you deserve so much better than he can give you. Cut your losses and start the grieving/ no contact period now because it will just be harder on you and your SON the longer you leave it.. and would you even have a JOB or home waiting for you if you swanned off with him? Think like the strong indepedent adult woman you are
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 Let's start from the bottom.
You should not be still living together if you are not a couple anymore, and you should not be taking care of him as the wifey that he consider you NOT to be. Why all the cooking and washing and ironing etc. If he is your roommate now, treat him as you would a roommmate. I guess, with a roommate, you'd do your fair share of chores of course, but you would not be dancing attendance around him, nor a decent roommate would ask or allow that.
This ersatz domesticity can only be more painful and frustrating for you, and it's just twisting the knife in the wound. If you are broken up, - then ACT broken up; either one needs to move out like, yesterday.
Then : basically you want to know what went wrong. That's almost impossible for us to answer. Our guess is as good as yours, in fact yours is much better than ours because you were there and we weren't. I'll just offer some.. not even surmises, just general considerations, see if you can find any nugget of truth in them.
1 ) I think you might have seen things a bit through rose tinted glasses and have willingly decided to focus only on what worked , totally dismissing what did not work. This type of selective attention is dangerous in relationships. Not because one should be always negative and critical . But because if you stubbornly refuse to read the signs and hear the creaks , then you are stunned when the whole building comes tumbling down.
How can you keep saying that he was great and everything was great , and at the same time that you always stood by him no matter how rejected and lonely he made you feel ? That would mean that he made you feel rejected and lonely fairly often, not just an exceptional once off. So how can it be a great relationship, if you have to feel rejected and lonely??
2) There's a slight age gap between you and, no, hear me oit, don't say, WTF !, he's 27 , it's not like I have been robbing the cradle. No you haven't , and in theory a 27 y.o. man is perfectly equipped to handle a cohabitation and a family , but, being older than you, I have noticed how, along the years , somehow everybody got younger. People feel younger and act younger than their age, 50 is the new 40, and 40 is the new 30 and so on. Which is great from some points of view, not so great from others. A 27 y.o. man may feel in theory prepared to handle all the responsibilities, and the limitations, of a serious relationship and a family life- but in practice he may get scared and overwhelmed, particularly if he is far from settled yet in his career and financially ( and if he is a bit of a softie, like- sorry !- your bf sounds to me ) . I don't say he DID, but he MIGHT have reasoned like your typical teenager who thinks it will be just great fun to live with a gf and play house - just to find out , after only a few weeks, like in your case, that it's not all fun and games.
3) The jealousy thing. You sort of gloss over it, but for some people it can be a total deal breaker.
What does it matter if you never went psycho ? You don't need to go full out psycho to turn people off. Jealous , insecure partners can become controlling, invasive, snoop on you, question your every move, doibt your words.... for some people this gets old real fast , and more so if they are absolutely blameless.
Anyway - it could be any of these things, or something else totally. The point is that now he wants his freedom back, and , at least as of now, he is not willing to work things out , regardless of possibly still having feelings for you. Love is not enough to make two people live together happily, if they are not compatible and have different needs in terms of what they want from a relationship. He may love you allright, AND not feel cut out to share a future with you.
Now, although TBH I think, personally, he was a bit of a dick for rushing you to move in, and change job etc., only to bolt few weeks later- still, you have to respect his choice. And let him time and space to find his sealegs at work, and peace of mind, or whatever form of happiness he is missing now. Maybe in future , if you both have changed, you might reconnect. But as of now, do not cling.
It's tough but it happens. Things go bust some times even if they looked promising. At least you know that he has been a decent guy who did not just want you for sex, and has been nice to your child, leaving you with many precious good memories.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2017):
 OP, this is too much drama.
Don't quit your job. Find a place YOU can afford on your own CLOSER to your job and your son's school and LEAVE this man be.
He doesn't know WHAT he wants. He isn't a stable person and while I'm sure you son adores him I don't think the way the man treats you is something your SON needs to be part of, neither do you.
He is an emotional yo-yo. Sometimes he wants to date you, sometimes it's just about the sex, sometimes it's the whole "we are a family" but he is NOT consistent.
No one who is SERIOUS talks about marriage one minute and then dumps you the week after.
He is good at words. He had learned WHAT to say to you to make you stick around and accept this SHITTY behavior. But his actions don't match the "pretty words". Sex is NOT the same as caring or loving someone.
It's been going on for 2 years you say, JUST how long are you willing to LET some guy treat you like a doormat? To use a relationship as a revolving door where HE can come and go as he pleases? What kind of role model is that for your SON?
You ask what you have done to be treated this way - all I can say is.. YOU have allowed it. Doesn't mean you DESERVE this treatment but for whatever reason, you have accepted it hoping he will change or that you can "fix" him and yourself.
Put your son first. Yourself second. Neither of you deserves this unstable and toxicity in your lives.
Find a place YOU can afford ON YOUR OWN closer to work/son's school. You don't NEED his drama OR charity.
HE needs to work on himself and get some help for all the depression if that is what's going on.
TBH OP? It sounds like he is done trying and is being rude and mean to you so you will take the hint and let him go. You seem so desperate to BE with him that you are allowing him to walk all over you. That isn't good and it certainly isn't love.
I know love him, but that doesn't mean you should accept being treated this way. This is not a HEALTHY relationship and it CAN be more harmful than good for you son to be around a guy who TREATS his mother (you) this way.
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