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Is this long distance relationship worth pursuing or should I just move on?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 September 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 4 January 2019)
A male Australia age 22-25, *IAN123 writes:

Hello everyone.

So I have reached a point in my life when if someone were to ask my relationship status, I would say, "It's complicated".

Basically, exactly one year ago I was on a pretty long layover, I downloaded a hookup app and started talking to this guy. We actually could not meet that day, but I immediately became super drawn to him, and for the next two weeks while I was on holiday we talked on an almost daily basis.

On my way back home, I again had a pretty long layover in the same city, and this time we actually met briefly. We just hugged and went for coffee, I guess it was a date, albeit a very short but super sweet one.

I came back home and settled back into my life, but since that moment he and I have been in constant communication. Yes, we do sext occasionally, but it is so much more than that. We videochated till almost 4 am talking about anything and everything, we played games, watched movies, and before I realised, I think I started falling for this guy. This is a pretty big deal for me, given how I almost could not get over a previous relation that took place three years back.

Anyway, despite the distance, and despite not being officially together, things were going amazingly well for a bit, and I started feeling that even though I could not say I was "taken", I definitely did not feel "Single" either. He is very careful with his choice of words, but more than once, he said things that assured me everything was mutual.

But, a couple of weeks ago he got a new job, (we have both just graduated uni, and I am one year older) his new job is amazing and I am so happy for him, but since then everything turned weird. He is always busy, we stopped talking, he stopped calling me cute names, and now, when I send him pics I usually get cold and short replies.

Of course, I understand he is busy and he wants to excel at his job. I fully support him and I am incredibly proud, as I often tell him. But, I am one to believe, that if you really want something or you truly care about someone, you find the time and ways.

I am going to Europe in two weeks, and we were hoping to hang out during the weekends, but for a long time now I have been trying to facetime him and plan how and when we will meet, he was always too busy/uninterested. He finally picked up today, (on a Sunday) but before we could decide on anything he hanged up on me, saying "I will call you in five", of course he fell asleep, never texted me and never called me back.

I really like this guy, and I know our situation with work, time difference and distance is super complicated. But I just want to know if this is worth perusing or if I should just forget him and move on?

View related questions: long distance, move on, on holiday, text

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A male reader, TIAN123 Australia +, writes (4 January 2019):

TIAN123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello,

Not sure if anyone will even read this, but writing is therapeutic for me, so here goes an update.

I ended up traveling to Europe for over a month, and he and I did manage to meet a few times.

The first time we met, it was in Paris, and it was magical, as soon as we got to our hotel, we were on top of each other, kissing, cuddling, doing all that couples do. Our stay in Paris was short, but super sweet and I had the happiest days of my whole trip. When he left to go back to his city, I sat on the airport lounge for almost two hours, just crying, a mix of happy and sad tears, and it was in that moment that I realised that I cared a lot more about him than I though, and that I was willing to do anything I could, and battle all odds, just to be with him.

Sadly, many days passed before I saw him again. I was touristing Europe by my self, with all the time in the world, longing to be with him and do all of the stuff we had said we would do. He on the other hand, was incredibly busy working, and I must admit, I was at times very unfair and harsh with him, being upset over the fact that we were finally so close, yet we could not be together.

I did see him again when I visited his home country a couple of weeks later, and at first glance , everything seemed more or less ok, we kissed, cuddled, rented a car and went on a beautiful road trip, and he was kind enough to pay for most of my things.

However, then I saw him one last time when I visited the city where he resides, and everything felt awful.

For starters, he made me get a hotel room rather than hosting me, we did not kiss or had sex at all, he did not accompany me to the airport to bid me farewell (granted he had a family appointment, which I understand, but had It been the other way around I would have made arrangements to be with him), and the day when we said goodbye at the train station, he did not even care to give me a goodbye peck, and when I confronted him later, he said "it was better this way".

I then returned to my home country on the other side of the Atlantic, and I felt very strange. He and I still talked on an almost daily basis, but he stopped flirting with me or calling me cute names. It almost felt that even though he kept replying, and ringing me, and seemed a little bit interested, it was me who wanted it more, and it was me doing most of the work to stay relevant in each other's lives.

Then maybe four weeks ago he called me, I went out of my way to answer his call as I was busy working, something I doubt he has ever done or ever will do. He told me that he had sex with someone, with a kind of colleague of his. To be honest, I was not surprised or even troubled at all upon hearing this, as I understand, and sorry for being so blunt, that we are young and sometimes get horny. Also he and I drunkly talked about how we were not "exclusive" once, and I have also fooled around with people from time to time, so the sex part really did not bother me in the slightest. But then he went on to say that he really liked this new guy, and that he will see him again.

This other piece of info, did bother me. Firstly because barely a month had passed since I last saw him, and he had already found someone else who catches his eye beyond a physical attraction, despite claiming that he was always way too busy to try dating anyone . But secondly and most importantly, the way he brought it up , the way in which he said it, that hurt me deeply. He told me about this new guy, in the most natural and casual of ways, as if we were the best of mates, just bros bragging about sex and telling his friend of his new crush.

He completely failed to acknowledge my feeling (which I am sure he knows) , or our past, or what had happened in Paris, he made me feel as if we were nothing.

Of course, I pretended to act tough and made it looks as it did not bothered me, and I proceeded to tell him of a hookup I had had recently (purely physical and out or boredom, not feelings at all from my side), hoping to get a reaction from him. When I told him, he actually seemed glad and happy for me. Again, just bros congratulating each other I guess.

After that, we started talking even less, (though still a considerable amount) and to my, not that surprised self anymore, I learned that if I don't text him first, he never will, nor does he has any problem leaving my messages on seen for days on end. And then, approximately one week ago or so, after sending him a rather risky text asking him why he had changed so much, he and I face timed for two hours.

At first it was heaven, I felt like we had returned 6 months in time, back when he were just getting to know each other and could not get enough of talking about all sorts of things. Honestly the verbal connection that I have with him, I have never experiences with anyone else in my whole life, there is nothing I enjoy more than just talking to him. But then, masochistic me could not help it, I asked him about this new guy, and to my shock, he said that things were progressing extraordinarily well, that he was falling hard for this guy, and they he hoped they would make it official very soon. Hearing this, looking at his face while he said it, looking at how his eyes sparkled when he talked about another man, that plunged a hole in my heart and made me feel sick to my stomach.

This time I simply could not hide my disappointment, and I actually told him how the news made me feel. I said that I was glad to hear him so happy, but that this definitely was a hard pill to swallow, that I wanted to be his friend and contact, but that I did not expect those developments and that I would struggle coming to terms with the whole ordeal. He did not say much, but hinted he understood. Again, no mention at all about "us" or what we were.

So this is where we are now. I have come to terms with the fact that it is not meant to be and that I ned to move on. But this is proving exceedingly hard, because as much as I am suffering, as much as he has hurt me, I just can't hate him, I just can't block him and simply forget him.

Because despite everything that has happened, and not happened, he does not deserve that, he is not a bad person, he did not do anything "wrong". My friends have made me see that I actually idolise him way too much, and he is actually very flawed, but the fact remains, that he did not cheat on me, and he is just being honest and acting coherently. And I still can't shake the feeling that our biggest problem was distance, and that if we had lived in the same city, things could have turned out very differently.

He and I are not talking at the moment, but this whole situation is taking its toll on me. I am crying myself to sleep every night and I can't stop overthinking. I know that I brought this on myself the moment I decided to get emotionally involved with someone living so far away, and that this outcome was to be expected. But I still care so much about him, and just don't know what to do. Because as I said, I can't bring myself to hate him or forget him, I can't deny what we had, even though for him it was so easy to do.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 September 2018):

N91 agony auntForget and move on.

You said yourself that people make the time if they want to, therefore you know deep down that this is over. Stop trying to take it any further, it’s your own time and feelings that are at stake, no one else’s.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think the "fun" of the back and forth is over for him. My guess is that besides his new job, he has meet someone else (in person). And he just haven't had the courage to tell you. Which is why he isn't using cute nicknames, doesn't want pictures and isn't trying AT ALL to keep the contact going.

I think YOU are FAR more involved in this fantasy then he is.

It's not complicated. He is no longer interested.

I'm sorry. This is the biggest issue with LDR's. People lose interest when they don't get to meet up in PERSON. They meet new people who they can hang out with in PERSON and they take a long look and realize that the LDR/online thing isn't going to become a REAL relationship. It was "fun" while it lasted.

I'm sorry, I'd wish him well, enjoy the vacation and just block him and stop all contact.

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