A
female
age
51-59,
*asha123
writes:Sorry if this long or not a specific question but I just need some advice on what to do and how to handle the situation I'm in....Met a guy 8 mths ago and fell head over heels and it got intense very quickly. He admitted he had commitment issues and was also still trying to get over an ex (they had finished 6 mths before after 10 years together though they were not married or living together). He tried to finish with me a couple of times saying he just couldn't 'handle' a relationship but would always then start communicating with me again. I was very upset by all this and everyone told me to finish it completely but I couldn't.In November he told me we were definitely over as he was reconciling with his ex. After 4 wks he started txting me again and I managed to ignore it but then gave in. He said it was over again with his ex and could we see each other again but just as friends as he cannot handle a 'relationship'. This has continued and we see each about once a week, needless to say, not just as 'friends'. He is very loving and tactile when he stays but little contact in between and he will not plan anything or behave in other ways like a normal 'boyfriend'. Again everyone says he is just using me but I love him and genuinely think he cares for me too. I know he is no longer seeing his ex though he is very bitter when he talks about her. I am unsure whether to accept the situation as it is as part of me thinks thats all he can offer or whether to push him for more?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 It is only confusing if you want to be confused :)
The first sign of a person who cares is consistency in his behaviour and attitude. Blowing hot and cold is the opposite of caring.
The fact that he is tactile and affectionate when he is with you ... means that he is a tactile and affectionate lover, and I am sure he is a joy to be around sexually speaking. Which I don't discount at all ! In fact , it's great as compared to some robotic lovers for whom sex is a gymnastic exercise.
But, kisses and caresses do not a relationship make. Particularly when the guy says repeatedly that he does not want one.
Anyway- I sincerely wish you good luck .
A
female
reader, Tasha123 +, writes (5 January 2011):
Tasha123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks both, I appreciate your thoughts and am not surprised at the content, I know they make sense BUT its so confusing because sex aside, he is just so tactile and affectionate and I never doubt his feelings when we are together and actions speak louder than words, but when he's not with me, yes its different. We spent a night together last weekend and he suggested we have a couple days break together but I have only had one perfunctory text from him since so assume he's scared himself and now regrets it!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 January 2011):
Push him for more and you'll see him run faster than Usain Bolt.
He does not want more, he told you. Several times. "I have committment issues " "I can't handle a relationship " " We can only meet as friends" ( with benefits, apparently ) But more than with words, he has shown by his actions what he wants you for. Short of wearing a T-shirt with " I don 't want to be your boyfriend " he has done anything possible to indicate that he is fine with an FWB situation.
You feel that he cares for you.Probably. In the same way as most people cares about their FWB. Which is the way I care about my dry cleaner. He is an excellent dry cleaner, makes my life easier, provides an excellent service. If he should close shop, I would have to go through the trouble to look for a replacement which I am not sure would satisfy me as much.
Sorry if I sound harsh- it's age related ,in a way. I have this theory , that when you are young it may be good for you to "serve" a period as FWB or booty call . Or meet some user that charms you for a while into playing by HIS, unilaterally chosen, relationship rules. . It's like boot camp. It makes you stronger, tougher and wiser.
But after 40, no, it's not good- unless it is your own conscious choice and preference. Once you are in your 40s , it's time to develop enough self knowledge and self esteem to
know what you want and deserve, and turn your back to anybody who offers less.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 January 2011):
 hi
maybe if he had met you further down the line when he was well and truly over her then he might make good boyfriend material, but as he is now, he really doesn't. he is picking you up and dropping you depending on how he feels and if he feels like sex. it is not fair to you. i suggest you tell him once and for all that he is not to treat you this way coz the longer it goes on, believe me he is gonna use you up and leave you feeling like rubbish. you are providing comfort to him at the moment coz he is still hurting, but what comfort is he providing to you? you should let him go, to sort his head out without dragging you into his pit of misery, sorry to be cruel but that's what needs to happen and then in the future with a clear head he may come back to you and be ready to give you the love and respect that you deserve. or he may not. keep yourself busy and do not wait for him. be strong, and get in touch with me any time, there is such a thing called transitional relationship and you would benefit from reading a bit about this. i didn't used to know there was such a thing until i found myself in one. i took everything my ex-man said at face value, when he said he was over his ex and felt fine about having a new relationship (quite soon afte they split up) i believed him, to my emotional cost!
xx
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