A
male
age
,
*ohn617
writes:Hello,What I am finding most difficult is I don't understand what happened to my wife. After 17 years of apparent happiness and what on the face of it was a life with so many good things happening and ALSO to look forward to but BANG she says 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' and that 'I've changed her from being who she used to be and she can't take anymore'. I was completely shocked and floored. I never saw this coming, yes like in any marriage for this length there had been a few tensions here and there, stress at work but there wasn't any abuse, financial issues or anyone else involved (so she says) but her behaviour since saying she wants to separate, sell up and go our separate ways is a total 180 turnround. The loving, caring and warm wife has virtually overnight been replaced by a cold, vicious, calculating and callous woman. I'm lost, confused and cannot make sense of what I've done to deserve this. She's refused couselling, hardly talks to be whilst we're co-habiting and refuses to leave the house even though she's the one who is unhappy and there are not children involved.I now face a 2 yr separation, living alone with the spectre of a divorce and all my hopes and dreams in tatters - I'm in agony. How do I start again at 50?How do you define a Mid Life Crisis? How do you define 'Falling Out Of Love'I know some will say 'does it make a difference if the end result is the same?' BUT IF she is suffering a MLC it might actually make more sense and in some weird way make me feel less of a failure as all I'm doing is blaming myself or trying to find fault with myself.Is there a difference between Mid Life Crisis or 'Falling Out of Love'? And if so, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?Please, can anyone give a view?JohnXXX
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 If she is representing her issues accurately, resentments can just build over time if there is no communication, you know, and maybe she didn't mind compromising or feeling compromised if meant being with you (or at least having the security of you/the idea of you). either she was scared of change or of vocalizing her concerns, or maybe she only recently became conscious of how she has changed, and fairly or not attributes all of her personality difference to you. feeling like she has settled is a very...panic-inducing feeling, so maybe you can understand her rush--she's running out of time to find someone else (if she hasn't already,sorry) and to find herself, and while time is moving foward, she is not moving forward.
it seems to me that you COULD try to communicate to not cramp her style and try to 'undo' whatever negative effect your presence/influence has had, but I would expect she would find it insulting and may even feel compromised by your having to give consent to her soul search and reclaiming herself. I think she needs time to feel like herself again and not just Your Wife. maybe you can convince her that a trial separation should be in order, like she's already been with you 17 years, maybe she should give you the respect of giving you a month's chance of changing her mind. best case for her is that her taste of independence will only make her crave more. I can understand her wanting to sever ties with you quickly and painlessly as possible but like i said, maybe you can argue that you've been kept in the dark about this for years, she at least owes you the benefit of doing this one thing for you. just frame it as a win win for her.
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