A
male
age
51-59,
*KW
writes:OK, it's over. If you read any of my previous questions you can chart the decay and destruction of my marriage, it's all there. We're now going to seperate. her choice, not mine. She says she needs to "find herself" and decide what to do with her life while she's still at a relatively young age.We've been together for 18 years, married for 8. Two young children, mortgage, the whole thing. We've been through it all, good and bad, but the last two years have just kinda withered and died. The sick thing is, I know perfectly well that she's gonna pick up where she left off with her boyfriend, as soon as she moves into a new place. We're gonna go for 50-50 care of the children, but rotate it so no-one has them every single weekend. I'm not falling into that trap, and letting her have every weekend to party! It's hell, after 18 years suddenly being told I cant touch, hug, kiss, let alone have sex with my wife who I dearly love. And to compound it, another man can! She says she's told him not to contact her while we go through this, I hope she has, you can't make important decisions when you have outside influences perched on your shoulder.We can't tell the kids yet, as she doesnt know where she's going yet. Theyre picking up on it though, and it's heartbreaking. I've got a few months of hell to look forward to now, plus fear of the future. Eventually, she'll want a divorce, and I'll lose the house, have limited access to my children, plus anything else her solicitor can get her. She keeps saying she doesnt want to hurt me, we can hug, help each other through this, but can't do that if I know she's got this guy on the back burner. She even had the nerve to ask if she could come back if it doesnt work out! It's not a holiday for god's sake!How do you deal with this? How did others cope? How can I have any kind of life again? I'm frightened, I admit it. Is there life after this kind of thing? Should I remain optimistic she might come back, or am I better off without her? My mates are useless, they dont know what to say, it's like someone died.
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male
reader, horace p +, writes (6 June 2009):
Ive read the last artical and its spot on, ive just split up with my wife of 12 years and its the worse thing ever, iam in so much pain its unbearble crying nearly every day..i just want all this to be a dream,and if iam really onest i want her back.she met this guy from a school friend of her's and the day i met him i did'ent like him and new what he was up to, so i told my wife what i was thinking and she just laught it of. 8mth later i am out the hse and seeing my kid on her terms, she was the love of my life the one i wanted to grow old with, the one true person that would'ent cheat on me.. how wrong was i, and this is on her 2nd marriage, my first i will never trust another woman as long as i live.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): i agree. this posters wife has made her bed and she must take the conquences taht come with her affair. he will get back his life. it wil take time but he will survive. i am glad your son had someone to turn to and that was his mum. good advise to you to son. i am sure you picked up his spirits and he knows he has at least 1 person in his camp.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): I understand how you must be feeling, the same thing has just happened to my Son, who still loves his wife, I shall tell you what I told him, she is not worth hanging around for, if she realises after her stint of finding herself well hard luck, the only people you need to be concerned about is definteley not her!! and I know you are feeling crap, but it is the little people that should be on your mind no one else, how they are feeling in all this. I have had questions galour being asked of me about the break-up and you BOTH need to put your feelings aside and speak to them ask them, what questions they have and answer them as honestly as possible without blame, even thou you want to, they will make their own mind up later in life. It is hard but get on with YOUR, life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): i see that you are making all the sacrifices although it is killing you in the process. by doing this she is actually milking the situation for more. she is delibetely messing with your head.
plse remember kids are strong. if you gently and loving tell them what is going on, they will understand. do not try to poisen their minds (too much) but be honest. tell them lovingly that mum doesn;t love dad anymore. tell them about the b/f. it's the manner that you do it that will save them hurt and pain. remember, she is living a false life. she is still using your resorces, yet still having sex with this man (she may deny it but in life, the truth is once there is a 3rd party involved the sex continues with that party).
also realise this, she will soon start maliciously blackening your name, she will be finding fault, she iwll be gossiping etc etc, so that when the seperation/ divorce goes through she will not be the only bad one. and also note she would play the victim for as long as possible. while all of this is happening she will be ensuring that she gets the better financial settlement, half of everything. she will also use the kids for her benefit.
IT IS A DIVORCE AND SHE WILL USE WHATEVER/WHOEVER SHE CAN TO MILK THE SITUATION. This is the reality.
Yes, you love your kids but you are only thinking emotionally. it's time to start thinking STRATEGICALLY as well. oyu have already lost yur wife, plse do not loose your existence as well .you are young. why should she only benefit. i always write about women being financially fit, its time you, a man, start thinking with your head. you may think that i am cold hearted but i work in the legal field. we all hear the stories and i do not want you to be fleeced by your wife.
you are not the salvation army - when she goes she must go for good. there is no return for her, you do not want to still be saddled with a woman who has no self respect for herself. i think you know that once she leaves home she will be runnig into her lovers arms. you know that she will not change her ways. i know you are hurting but you need to be strong both for yourself and your kids.
the nonsense about you both hugging- what is it, is she just playing you, giving you false hope. how dare she. in this difficult time you need to have inner strenght. inner strength to fight her subtle, manipulative ways. and believe me she is a manipulative woman who thinks that she has you where she wants you. but you need to stop indulging her. you need that strenght to tell her what the true situation is.
i really feel sorry for you, i read of your pain BUT it time to take your life back. she has abused you for too long, she has destroyed your marriage. plse do not only look at the kids. believe me kids are strong, they will suffer yes, but how can you be an effective parent when their mother is/has destroyed you. bu keeping quite, by accepting her shit, she is winnig this battle.
"She keeps saying she doesnt want to hurt me, we can hug, help each other through this, " She only limits you to a possible hug, but she allows her lover full access to her body. WOW. Manipulative indeed. While she is 'finding" herslef i am hoping that you will indeed find yourself. yes, it will be hard, some very bad days, but one day the sun will start shining again. it will be slow, cold day but one day your smile will return. why wait for something/someone who doesn't want you. history has proven once a cheater a possibility of always a cheater. is this the life you want to subject yourself to.
surely your life is worth so much more. for now yes, there will be months of more pain and heartache to come BUT one day the pain will subside.yes, it will. and guess what you will also perhaps be in a position to find a better love. there are millions of women waiting foe good decent men. i believe you are one of them. i am sure you believe you are too.
plse do yourself a favour and read the posts posted by WOMEN whose spouses have betrayed them. some come across as doormats, others just so emotionally abused by their spouses. i am sure you will learn something from these postings.
This is what i have also to say:
- no one whether (husband or wife) has the right to make you feel like shit.
- you are special, you need to value and love yourself.
- kids do survive the break up of their parents marriage.
- negotiate and be "financially fit"
- do not only use your emotions when dealing with a situation like yours
- you have inner strength, use it.
- use your head, plse try to think clearly
- make proper plans
- do not reveal all your plans to your spouse, have the element of surprise.
- while this is going on, take care of yourself. go to the gym. eat properly. remember you have a fight on your hands.
- seek proper legal advice, discretly.
- negotiate from a point of strength.
- whislte sometimes, as hard as it is there is a silver lining.
- make new friends, start going to the movines. SO WHAT IS IT'S ONLY YOU. start enjoying your own company.
- project some positiveness, even around your wife. show that some things just don't faze you ( in your case right now, it may be hard, but please try)
-LOVE YOURSELF
your wife needs to know that you life will not come to an abrupt end. you have such a valuable life please do not throw it away because this person has abused your marriage and love. one day it will all come back together. you will be stronger and have more self esteem. believe that you can conquer it all.
for now, some quite time with the Lord will also help. just some quiet time to reflect and ask for guidance. i know it helps. it has helped me through my difficult times.
i wish you all the best and trust me, it will get better. God bless you, and your kids. Its going to be all right.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): i see that you are making all the sacrifices although it is killing you in the process. by doing this she is actually milking the situation for more. she is delibetely messing with your head.
plse remember kids are strong. if you gently and loving tell them what is going on, they will understand. do not try to poisen their minds (too much) but be honest. tell them lovingly that mum doesn;t love dad anymore. tell them about the b/f. it's the manner that you do it that will save them hurt and pain. remember, she is living a false life. she is still using your resorces, yet still having sex with this man (she may deny it but in life, the truth is once there is a 3rd party involved the sex continues with that party).
also realise this, she will soon start maliciously blackening your name, she will be finding fault, she iwll be gossiping etc etc, so that when the seperation/ divorce goes through she will not be the only bad one. and also note she would play the victim for as long as possible. while all of this is happening she will be ensuring that she gets the better financial settlement, half of everything. she will also use the kids for her benefit.
IT IS A DIVORCE AND SHE WILL USE WHATEVER/WHOEVER SHE CAN TO MILK THE SITUATION. This is the reality.
Yes, you love your kids but you are only thinking emotionally. it's time to start thinking STRATEGICALLY as well. oyu have already lost yur wife, plse do not loose your existence as well .you are young. why should she only benefit. i always write about women being financially fit, its time you, a man, start thinking with your head. you may think that i am cold hearted but i work in the legal field. we all hear the stories and i do not want you to be fleeced by your wife.
you are not the salvation army - when she goes she must go for good. there is no return for her, you do not want to still be saddled with a woman who has no self respect for herself. i think you know that once she leaves home she will be runnig into her lovers arms. you know that she will not change her ways. i know you are hurting but you need to be strong both for yourself and your kids.
the nonsense about you both hugging- what is it, is she just playing you, giving you false hope. how dare she. in this difficult time you need to have inner strenght. inner strength to fight her subtle, manipulative ways. and believe me she is a manipulative woman who thinks that she has you where she wants you. but you need to stop indulging her. you need that strenght to tell her what the true situation is.
i really feel sorry for you, i read of your pain BUT it time to take your life back. she has abused you for too long, she has destroyed your marriage. plse do not only look at the kids. believe me kids are strong, they will suffer yes, but how can you be an effective parent when their mother is/has destroyed you. bu keeping quite, by accepting her shit, she is winnig this battle.
"She keeps saying she doesnt want to hurt me, we can hug, help each other through this, " She only limits you to a possible hug, but she allows her lover full access to her body. WOW. Manipulative indeed. While she is 'finding" herslef i am hoping that you will indeed find yourself. yes, it will be hard, some very bad days, but one day the sun will start shining again. it will be slow, cold day but one day your smile will return. why wait for something/someone who doesn't want you. history has proven once a cheater a possibility of always a cheater. is this the life you want to subject yourself to.
surely your life is worth so much more. for now yes, there will be months of more pain and heartache to come BUT one day the pain will subside.yes, it will. and guess what you will also perhaps be in a position to find a better love. there are millions of women waiting foe good decent men. i believe you are one of them. i am sure you believe you are too.
plse do yourself a favour and read the posts posted by WOMEN whose spouses have betrayed them. some come across as doormats, others just so emotionally abused by their spouses. i am sure you will learn something from these postings.
This is what i have also to say:
- no one whether (husband or wife) has the right to make you feel like shit.
- you are special, you need to value and love yourself.
- kids do survive the break up of their parents marriage.
- negotiate and be "financially fit"
- do not only use your emotions when dealing with a situation like yours
- you have inner strength, use it.
- use your head, plse try to think clearly
- make proper plans
- do not reveal all your plans to your spouse, have the element of surprise.
- while this is going on, take care of yourself. go to the gym. eat properly. remember you have a fight on your hands.
- seek proper legal advice, discretly.
- negotiate from a point of strength.
- whislte sometimes, as hard as it is there is a silver lining.
- make new friends, start going to the movines. SO WHAT IS IT'S ONLY YOU. start enjoying your own company.
- project some positiveness, even around your wife. show that some things just don't faze you ( in your case right now, it may be hard, but please try)
-LOVE YOURSELF
your wife needs to know that you life will not come to an abrupt end. you have such a valuable life please do not throw it away because this person has abused your marriage and love. one day it will all come back together. you will be stronger and have more self esteem. believe that you can conquer it all.
for now, some quite time with the Lord will also help. just some quiet time to reflect and ask for guidance. i know it helps. it has helped me through my difficult times.
i wish you all the best and trust me, it will get better. God bless you, and your kids. Its going to be all right.
...............................
A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (8 May 2009):
DKW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe won't go to counselling, she's afraid of what might come out. I think her secret life has gone on longer than I suspected, and with more men. It's about 4 different guys from what I understand. I can't tell her what I really think of her becasue I have to keep the peace. Thats whats getting to me. She doesnt love her children like she should, otherwise she'd have thought of them before she got paralytic and went home with some stranger.
Every time she has the kids to herself, she has to involve a frind. It's always playdates with other kids so she can gossip with their mothers. I cannot remember one time when she has spent time with the kids just her and them.
I am sharing a bed with her still so as not to alrm the children. I just want her to go as soon as possible.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 May 2009):
 Sweetie, what worries me is that she wants her 'space' but she has also said that if things dont work out, she wants to come back.
So basically, she wants to party with the boyfriend and when the novelty wears off, she wants to come back to her loving husband and stable homelife.
Is this really fair on the children?? Is this fair on you??? Have you both been for marriage counselling as I would suggest this as an option before she moves out.
Honeygirl
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