A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Could anyone please helpIs it possible to change someone's perception of you ?Ok I was very good friends with a guy and it went badly wrong We got close and kissed a few times It shouldn't have happened as he was in the middle of breaking up with his partner and we both said after it wasn't a good timeSo anyway after that I noticed he was avoiding me a lot but kept saying he had feelings for me etc. he's still having to live with his ex until they sell as neither can afford to move out - this is true as its common knowledge amongst our mutual friendsThe thing was I really fell for him and everyone said he liked me a lot but because of his situation nothing could happenSo I done the worst thing and became clingy obsessive unhinged even and very emotional I even think he thinks I'm a stalker But it was because of the feelings We haven't spoke since last November though I still see him at workIt's sad as none of our mutual friends know what happened between us and if he sees me now he ignores me or avoidsIt's bloody sad as we were close friends and the texting And clinging drive him awayI would love nothing more than to clear the air at a minimum but his perception of me is so badI don't know what I can do to change it when he won't even acknowledge me and any contact would make things worseIs it possible I can get him to see I'm still who I was
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): I didn't want to add a new question
Today he came to my work floor - weird as I've never seen him up there but but he went to speak to another section about somethingI turned my back and he was there and straight away he avoided eye contact so I just acted cool and walked to my desk
any take on this ?
Please help
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): Stop beating yourself up.
Stop asking his friends about him or discussing him. Change the subject if a mutual friend brings him up.
Its one man, one of many in the world. Get this into perspective because you have to work with him and share friends. You cannot undo what you did so move forward with no regrets
Head up and a smile on your face after all he WAS partly to blame for kissing you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): Yes your words are trueNo I used the word stalk I didn't follow him or anything but I meant as in clingy emotional everything and I regret my actions I spoke with a good friend last night who's close to him and he's definitely split with her even going to the extent of removing her from his Facebook and all her friends and she's done same I just wanted to make things rightI didn't mention this in earlier posts but I've had a lot of men mess me around in past and unfortunately I think because of everything that's why I took this more to heart I messed up royally I know that I'm even crying writing this I feel so bad
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): It was said in anger, anger at you for your behaviour.
I don't know how far or how bad your stalking went but it was clearly too far.
He said he wasn't available, others told you nothing could happen. You chose to ignore all this
Of course he was angry.
And possibly he was/is trying to fix things with his Ex/partner?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): Wow you guys are amazing so kind and helpful
You honestly don't realise all your words mean a lot
The thing that upsets me the most is when we had that huge bust up after which he cut me dead I asked if he still had feelings for me he shouted I had driven it out of him - even now I'm upset a bout that
That wouldn't have been something said in anger would it ?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 May 2014):
 He was going through a break-up and still living with his ex, not unusual these days, with finances being what they are. He must be mature to handle this, it can't be easy.
You were his 'port in a storm', a trusted friend,I think, but, it was a kiss or 2, no more, that you shared.
You know you became stalker woman and ruined the friendship, which is sad, however it's just how you felt and then went overboard at the time.
In this case I don't think you can build bridges or alter his opinion, so it's best left. Learn from your mistake and vow never to do it again!
Maybe in time he will come round but it would never be the same, he has seen another side to you he won't forget.
Don't try to convince him your not 'that' woman, there's no point,. Let it go now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 May 2014):
 Maybe he is ashamed of how HE acted?
He certainly can't put all the blame on you. YOU weren't dating someone at the time, HE was. YOU didn't act MUCH better then him, but at least you didn't have a partner to cheat on. (even if it was "just" emotionally, it was cheating).
However, there is NOTHING more scary then obsessive clingy woman. I mean seriously I think most men think "Alex Forrest" in Fatal Attraction. A bunny boiler.
I think the BEST way to show him (and everyone else) that you are NOT THAT woman, is to leave him alone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Why do you need him to think better of you ? in view of what ?
A relationship ? he's not available for that. He told you , and he showed you. He was available for a casual office flirtation, and some spur of the moment kisses,... but he stopped you dead in your tracks when you asked or hinted for more. Not surprisingly; he seems to have his hands quite full with the so called ex. ( btw.. " it's common knowledge "... yeah right. If the situation was so clear-cut , over-and-done, and they really only had shared living space as roommates because of financial hardship,- he would be a free agent , he'd be free to date whomever he wants, heck he could even have you over for dinner as for that!, aren't they just roomies now ? ).
...For just a friendship ? But you can't have a sincere , relaxed, platonic friendship with someone you are in love with ! You have romantic /sexual feelings for the guy, it would be the opposite of a genuine, honest, no emotional strings attached friendship ! You'd use this friendship as a ( self distructive ) means of still going sniffing around him and see if just in case, one never knows... in short, as a way to pressure him. He realizes that perfectly, and he wants none of it.
So, what getting closer again would really accomplish ? nothing. It would just be more painful for you.
I know, you don't want him to think of you as a crazy stalker , but as the person that you really are...
But, you see, that's precisely it. No offence meant, but actions DO have consequences. You have shown that you are a normal person under normal circumstances, BUT ALSO a person who can go berserk and act weird and obsessed under strain. So the person that you really are is composed in part by a sensible, reasonable woman, and in part by a woman that can also be unhinged ,irrational and overemotional. That's the part that he did not like- and he is not obliged to like it. People have full right to select their friends according to their specifications, which may exclude over the top , overemotional behaviours.
In short : leave him be. If he gets over your past behaviour necause he cares about you and misses you so much that he is able to come to terms with your clingy needy part, fine, let him come to you.
If he doesn't... you are not really missing anything anyway, since he is not going to give you what you want from him.
Honestly, in your shoes, I'd work , more than on snatching back the guy, on handling your emotions more functionally. You seem not aware that adopting stalkerish behaviour is a problem anyway, regardless of the provocation. " But it was because of the feelings ... " Oh great excuse. Everybody's got feelings, even very strong feelings- but that does not give you permission to chase people against their will, at a point that causes them concern, annoyance and discomfort. If you sort of feel that, if you put your heart into it, ANY behaviour is justifiable and acceptable... that's a bit worrisome, and an attitude that can bring more trouble in your future relationships. If you suspect you have a problem with impulse control, why not starting getting professional help with that- it's something that CAN be changed , with a little of good will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): Oh and I want to add, I have had two romantic falling outs with guys who I had been friends with prior to being romantic. One I had been friends with for 17 years before it turned romantic. The other for a year and a half before dating. In both cases it didn't work romantically. The one I had been friends with for 17 years, I was pushing for it, he didn't reciprocate, I yelled at him out of frustration, he ignored my outburst, we didn't talk for several months then we got in touch again, saw each other, hugged it out, never mentioned it again and we are still the best of friends like nothing ever happened. The other one, we actually started getting romantic about two and a half months ago after being pals for a year and a half. We had a falling out two weeks ago and haven't talked since. We actually were scared to date because we know so much about each other, good and bad. I still have feelings for him...what's worse is that we are neighbors lol. But I care about him so much as a friend that it is more important to me to preserve that than to burn a bridge, pull like a fatal attraction on him or something. I care about him too much. I guess what I am trying to say is just relax. If this guy was your friend he will come around. If its meant to be it'll work itself out almost naturally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): It is absolutely possible. But to get him to see you as the friend he remembers you as, you have to BE that person. So you screwed up. If he was truly your friend he'll look past it. Just start acting NORMAL like you used to be with him. Say hi to him. Be yourself. Detach yourself completely from these feelings you developed for him. Keep doing your own thing. Talk to other people in his presence and be friendly and loveable. Show him that you still are all the things he liked about you from the beginning. Flirt with other guys. Give off the air that you are happy and cool. And with him treat him like a pal. Nothing more. Make him think you no longer have feelings for him. Don't mention what happened or anything about the past. If you talk to him bring up fresh, fun, new subjects. Thats the only way you can salvage this...
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 You need to leave him alone and not try to mend the fences in any form or way. All attempts would be seen as a sign of desperation. Unfortunately, you are not the one that can reach out to him as he needs to reach out to you and if he really has any feelings he will come back. If not let this ship sail. Maybe he is still with the partner and wants to make it work....... time to cut your losses.
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A
female
reader, chezababes +, writes (9 May 2014):
A tricky one but not impossible, dp you have a friend who you both know to speak to him on your behalf? If so explain exactly how you feel and say you were going through a bit of a emotional state and rather than loosing him as a friend you wish that you could gi back to the way things where before. Other than that write him a letter and send it to his house and tell him how it is and how your sorry and you will never do anything like it again and if he knows you he'll respect that and hopefully he will forgive you. If not then he's not worth your friendship and I wouldn't dwell on him any more. I hope you work things out either way and I hope I've given you something to think about ok Hun.:)good luck x
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