A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I have found myself struggling in getting in a relationship. My last was already 4 years ago (it lasted 3) and had no luck ever since. After a period of 2 years during which I focused on my career, I got back into the game and started dating, but nothing has come out of it. There were a couple of few instances where there was a bit of chemistry but it was logistically impossible to have a relationship (too far apart).I have tried to improve in several ways (social skills, appearance, etc.) but with little results. It seems like the ladies are not that interested in me overall. That is when I start questioning myself and start wondering if there is something fundamentally wrong with myself. It's not like I act desperate or creepy, or come too strong. It's probably because I do not know how to flirt "correctly" and I somehow fail to grasp how it works (never had a male role model in my life, so I never had someone to teach me or even talk about these things).What is even more frustrating is when seeing totally average guys in the street being holding hands with pretty girls. I don't understand why I cannot have that too. I have often had thoughts like I should maybe give up the whole thing. It has crossed my mind that I am not cut for these type of things (even though I would love to have a companion). What I loathe the most is the "courting phase".One typical example is the 3rd date rule. As stupid as it sounds, I have noticed (and also been told by many people) that if you do not make any move (flirt or kiss) by the 3rd date, then it's game over.I simply hate this concept and hate it even more when people stupidly follow this unwritten rule and expect you to abide by it. What I mean is that I need more than 3 dates to open up, feel more more comfortable and make a move. Sure, I can be head over heels over a girl, but I still want to take my time to get to know her. I would be lying if I said to the girl that I love her only after 3 meetings. Sure, I might like her a lot, but love is such a strong word. I like to take a bit more time and learn about the person, what motivates her in life, what she thinks about different things, etc. The only 2 relationships I ever had began as friendships and later evolved to something more.I know I can be a great bf. I am very attentive and caring, but I seem to fall against some kind of invisible barrier. Due to some stupid preconceptions, no one is giving a second chance if I do not "perform" in a certain way that is in conformity with some superficial expectations . I understand there are social rules when dating and interacting with other people, but I hate it when they become some unflexible requirement that you need to meet in order to become eligible as a potential partner.I keep overhearing girl conversations at the office and I want to shoot myself when I hear about all the crazy expectations they have from men (good-looking, tall, athletic, exotic hobby, etc.). I certainly cannot meet all these requirements. Does it mean I am doomed? Is there any hope for people such as myself?Thanks a lot for any testimonies, opinions and/or advice!Cheers!PS: I would also like to point out that my biggest weakness in dating is that I fail being flirty enough through touching. I understand that touching is important (actually, it's because of that I often end up in the friendzone) but I don't really feel comfortable doing it, as I cannot grasp when it's the right time to touch the girl. It just does not feel natural to me. I believe that it all comes down to whether one "has it" or not. I am not sure I will be able to behave like an attractive person and do all those things.I am trying to tackle this problem by forcing myself to touch people as much as possible in a natural and subtle way during conversations. I start getting the hang of it, so I hope I will be more comfortable after some "practice".
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Word of encouragement;
You sound like you got your head screwed on right… you’re waiting for a woman with substance rather than play petty games with these girls who wouldn’t know a gentleman if they dated one.
From what I read I wouldn’t change anything about yourself, your generational society rules only attract fleas and girls at the office will always talk about MR. good-looking, tall, athletic, exotic hobby, etc. because they are shallow!
As mentioned, just be yourself and the right woman will appreciate you taking a bit more time in learning about her, what motivates her in life, what she thinks about different things, etc. This will make for a better foundation in your relationship in the long run, you want someone compatible.
Good for you – CAA
A
female
reader, Sensible Alice +, writes (4 March 2014):
 Try not to take too much notice of other people's expectations, like those women at work, because most of those things are not achievable for any of us. You are who you are and you have certain beliefs and morals and the right woman will appreciate these, maybe even have them herself. The thing is, are you willing to hold out for that person? Keep working on your good qualities and just be yourself. Don't try to do or be something you're not just because it appears to be part of the dating game, otherwise you will just come across as awkward, or something worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): Honestly, I agree 100% that this silly unwritten rule is ridiculous. To be honest, I've never actually heard that rule or witnessed it, perhaps because I am in a different country... But either way, it sounds stupid and I think whether people live by this or not, you need to do what you feel comfortable with. The 3rd date is definitely not the time to pull out the love word, if someone did that to me on the 3rd date I'd run for the hills. Making a move would also creep me out, sure, hold hands or kiss gently, but making a proper move would have me backing away. The 3rd date is far too soon to be getting serious and if people are doing it and women are falling for it then more fool them. Girls/ladies always want Mr Perfect, they know they'll never get him and if they do it'll be some sort of miracle, but while they say all of this, really what they want is someone to be there, love them, care for them and just be their everything. I wouldn't concern yourself too much with ladies' fantasies. From the way you have described yourself and your thoughts and feelings towards the situation, I do not believe in any way that there is something wrong with you and I don't think you should give up. The problem isn't you, the problem is societies silly rules and expectations. If you don't feel comfortable touching people then don't do it, when the time is right you will know, when you feel right and you can see that they want the physical contact then you will do it. I don't think forcing yourself to touch when you don't feel it is appropriate is a good idea, you'll only work yourself up. As for the flirting troubles, you don't have to go all out with the exotic flirting etc, just tell her nice things: your hair looks lovely like that, your dress brings out the colour of your eyes, you look lovely this evening etc. The sweet 'old-school' compliments work a treat, other men might roll their eyes or laugh or whatever, but ladies love to be complimented by a gentlemen instead of some gross comment about their breasts or something stupid. Just be yourself, don't change for someone else. Let the world change to suit you. You will find the woman that is right for you and when the time is right, you'll know and everything will fall into place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): Yes, of course there is hope for you!Firstly, stop putting yourself down. You say 'I am not sure I will be able to behave like an attractive person'- Obviously, I don't know you, but I'm positive you have some fantastic qualities and remember there is a lady out there looking for someone just like you. After three dates, know one would be expecting you to tell them that you love them. Actually, I think this may well scare a lot of women. Its great that you want to get to know a lady. It is still important to show ladies that you like them otherwise, they may think your not interested. Also, it sounds like you've had chemistry with a lady who lived too far away. Was the distance really to far? or did you get scared that for the first time in a long time you had real chemistry with someone?. Does the distance have to be a barrier? could this lady be worth re-connecting with?. Maybe just some questions to consider. Overall, be positive about yourself, you will find a lady who is right for you and will love you for exactly who you are. There are ladies who are just as awkward about flirting you know, you just have to test things out with someone you like to see how they react. Good Luck!!
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