A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My significant other saw me organizing my workspace at home (I work out of the home). I needed to get it in order to take pictures for the tax file. He told me I should be working at my drafting table.He told me I have too much stuff in my curio cabinet and that it looks cluttered and told me to remove some of the items.He said I have too many icons on my desktop and to organize that. We each have our own computers.He said I waste too much time on the computer when I should be doing other things like be in my workspace. I keep in contact with family through Facebook and I was on Facebook for only 15 minutes and it was on a weekend! He thinks Facebook is a big waste of time.I wait until he leaves and then turn on my computer now.He hovers around when I cook and tells me how to cook.He said after my cat passes away (I have one cat) that he doesn't want another cat because he wants to be able to visit his future grandkids someday and come and go as he pleases and so that we don't have to get someone to watch the cat every time we go somewhere. I'm a huge pet lover and my cat is good companionship during the day because I what I do for a living requires me to work alone a lot. My interaction with people is minimal.Then he constantly asks if I love him and follows me around the house. I can't even go the bathroom alone--especially after I flush the toilet (think Pavlov's dog) he comes up when he hears the toile flush (weird I know) or if he notices I am gone he will get up and try to find me. When I get ready at night, brushing my teeth, cleaning my face, he always comes up. It's like he can never be alone. His last ex-girlfriend told him that. She dumped him. I see it now and I agree with her.So is this micromanagement and would you consider he also has needy clingy behavior?I'm starting to fret more and not sleep well and am now more tired during the day.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2013):
 OH wow… this is a hard one. He’s trying to be helpful. He really thinks he is. Sadly since it’s opinion only it’s going to be hard to prove him wrong. He may not be wrong for himself but it’s clearly wrong for you.
HE TELLS you a lot of things…. But he can’t substantiate them.
Personally If it’s a fact I will find documentation to prove the person wrong. (I’ve had to do this with my hubby and it’s helped a lot recently with the “opinions” that were incorrect) If it’s a true opinion “you should be working at your drafting table” I would say “why?” and then his reason would lead to discussion and hopefully it would enable him to see it’s his opinion not a fact. IF that’s not an option, you could try the ‘thank you for your opinion, but it’s not going to work for me at this time” statement.
As for the curio cabinet, you can say to him “while I know if it was YOURS you would keep it differently, the curio cabinet is MINE and I will keep it the way I like it”
The desktop icon issue… well that’s not his call either… tell him you like it the way it is and you know how to navigate it and you can handle it and since it’s NOT his computer please do not touch it. IN addition, if you are truly concerned that he might “try to help” I would password protect it and if he asks, tell him exactly why.
My husband thinks facebook is a joke. I just ignore him… but then I think Guild Wars is a waste of time so I ignore him playing that all the time too.
IF he hovers when you cook and complains about how you cook give him two choices…
a. We eat out all the time or b. HE cooks…. Otherwise stay out of my kitchen (the rule in our house since my husband likes to tell me how to cook too
Tell him about travel you will deal with that situation if and when it happens. In addition, cats can easily go a few days being left alone and you know it. Longer than 3 days and a neighbor can come in every other day or so… no biggie… no need to board a cat.
He’s insecure and if he asks constantly if you love him, ask him, is there something I do that makes you think I don’t? when he says NO then say “well since you know I do, if it changes I’ll let you know other than that, stop asking as it’ makes me mad and the more you ask the less I’m inclined to continue to try to love you as you are making it very difficult lately”
The bathroom, I’d mess with him. I’d go in, I’d lock the door, I’d flush. Then I’d go, and flush again. And wait and if he comes to the door, I’d not reply with anything other than “I’m in the bathroom and I will talk to you when I am OUT OF the BATHROOM please go away now”
I usually will tell my husband when I’m going to a different floor in the house, to me that’s common courtesy. He doesn’t tell me and sometimes he’s gone a long time and I do go looking for him, had he said “I’m going to take my shower and I’ll be down in an hour or so” I would leave him be. At bedtime, I go to him and say “I’m going up I’ll see you later.” I give him a kiss and I’m done with him till he comes to bed whenever that is. But I would never just disappear on him to leave him wondering where I went or when I’m returning. I think that’s rude when he does it to me.
Tell him his constant hovering is getting tiresome and it’s affecting your health. Ask him what he needs from you to enable him to give you some space….
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2013):
 I would just gently tell him when he point out things he "thinks" you should change, that THIS is how YOU like it.
If he brings up a point and you agree let him know that too.
My husband is the one on Facebook and quite honestly I think it's a giant waste of time, specially when he shows me posts from family and friends, utterly useless and redundant postings, YET I don't tell him that I think it's a waste of time. If HE wants to take 15-20 minute to sit and read sappy crap or "life altering" musings, that is fine with me. Each to their own.
You shouldn't HAVE to "sneak" onto your FB so he won't criticize it. Just tell him, I like my FB to keep in touch (or whatever) and leave it at that, you do NOT need to justify this. I can see it's annoying if your partner wants to do something WITH you and you are more focused on the FB then him/the project, but I can't see what 15 minutes is going to hurt.
Lock the door to the bathroom if he comes in and hover. If he doesn't come in but just hover outside, ignore it. Don't hurry or feel like you have to entertain him through the door. DO your thing and let him do his.
As for getting a new pet (at some point in time) I think I would just tell him that it's a subject you will discuss when the time comes, but that you get MUCH enjoyment out of having a pet, so you aren't sure that you feel the same way as he does.
Having to find a cat sitter can be a pita, but he is making a mountain out of something that ISN'T even happening yet.
I'm not saying argue with him, but be able to talk to him about how YOU FEEL/NEED/WANT.
Is he a perfectionist? Or have some OCD going on? That could explain his need for making you "tidy/organize" stuff.
Just like YOU want him to accept what you like and WHO you are, try and accept that HE too has an opinion, you just don't HAVE to agree with it 100% of the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): He just sounds like he speaks his thoughts without thinking!
It sounds like you don't live together, so maybe he just likes intimacy more than you do, and doesn't want to waste the time you spend together with you being on the computer! I am a big animal lover, but it's sweet in a way he was thinking of you in his future. I lived with a guy got years who used to iron my clothes & sort through them each season, on reflection it was great - he was good at the stuff I wasn't and cared enough to bother.
I wouldn't listen to the opinion of his ex.
She is his ex for a reason, and who knows what her motivation is.
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A
female
reader, Expat Girl +, writes (22 April 2013):
He sounds like the perfect man to me. There are thousands of women who would love to have him. I'm jealous. Keep him.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (22 April 2013):
Yes to both. I’ve never heard of the term “micro management” being used in a relationship context before but it is somewhat similar to the managerial equivalent technique within the workplace. It’s certainly needy and clingy behaviour, and not healthy.
I would suggest that if he is also not allowing you to make basic choices for yourself such as the means by which you choose to keep in contact, or the way you organise your desk, he has some controlling tendencies too. There are always 2 sides to a story so no-one should certainly accept their partner’s ex’s opinions uncritically but it seems in this case his ex had valid concerns. You’ll find this behaviour extremely hard to undo and it certainly won’t happen overnight or without both his willingness to relearn or professional help. IF you can’t live with this micro management then seriously consider if this relationship is one you wish to remain in.
I wish you all the very best.
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